Hello, Im going through a difficult time currently with porn, sexuality and it’s making me quite miserable. I am 31male in a relationship with a woman and had been fairly content until recently. I have been a prolific user of internet porn since I was 11 and have used all sorts of porn, straight, gay, transsexual etc. I’ve never been involved with anyone but a woman sexually, and have never felt the desire to. Recently my relationship has become somewhat mundane and I’ve lost a bit of interest, my porn use has escalated massively and in particular gay porn. I seem to be entirely glued to porn for my sexual satisfaction at the moment and find myself using it several times a day. I’m not sure what to do. I just want things to be clear really, but I feel as if I’m only aroused by porn. I have no fear of being gay, I have accepting friends and family but I don’t feel attracted to men in everyday life, only women. When I masturbate without porn it’s about women but I’m scared I’m in denial so have been trying to accept I might be gay but it doesn’t feel right...it’s a nightmare! Not sure if anyone else has gone through this? I do have issues with my mental health generally but feel embarrassed to talk about porn to anyone else.
Hi, Jack. Welcome to EC. You're in the right place. What you are describing isn't uncommon, and one of the biggest problems with using porn is that, over time, we desensitize ourselves to it, which makes us seek ever more intense and extreme porn to achieve the same effect. It's not unlike various drugs to which we build tolerance and require more in order to achieve the same effect. I am not hearing anything that sounds like you have actual attraction to men. I am curious if there are any other persistent behaviors/activities, such as unhealthy relationships with food, shopping, gambling, video games, or exercise? Most commonly, when we see the sort of behaviors you are describing, there's some sort of numbing going on. If you are comfortable describing the mental health issues a bit more, it might clarify. Also, is there any history of trauma, sexual abuse, inappropriate early childhood sexual experiences, or anything of that sort?
First thing - Don't panic. Consider that more porn use may be associated for a lack of variety in your relationship. I strongly agree with Chip about the desensitization caused by excessive porn use. Have you approached your mate about trying new things? Maybe there is something in particular that attracts you to gay porn? This will take trust between you and some risk on your part.
Thank you for your response. In terms of other behaviour, I do drink quite a lot and have dabbled with drugs but nothing to extreme I don’t think. I did have some very early sexual activity with another male at school, around aged 7-8. It wasn’t much more than natural curiosity though. In terms of mental health, I strongly suspect I may have some form of autism. My whole life I’ve had obsessive thoughts, not particularly horrible ones, mainly about football and things but I will write down statistics all the time and on occasion i have hand flapped, this is not something anyone else knows about and it is controllable. I fixate on things and it consumes my whole head space, this is the situation currently with porn/sex, i think about it constantly and I just wish I could stop thinking completely. It feels like I can’t properly relate to human beings anymore. Im trying to stop watching porn. I don’t think it’s inherently unhealthy but for me I don’t think it helps my mind. I think this will help stabilise me and then any concerns with sexuality will resolve themselves but the priority is feeling better first.
thank you for your response. I think you are right. Also the whole lockdown situation has got to me a bit, I like to go out and see people. As you can probably tell, I find it difficult to discuss sexual/emotional issues with anyone, even my partner. I’m hoping one day it will become easier. I’m pleased to be able to share my thoughts on here though. So thank you both.
