Since starting this process a couple weeks ago I've thought a lot about things in my past; memories, events, people, thoughts, desires that I had only thought briefly about for a long time because they were a bit scary so I put them away. I've found some surprises in my memory, like the time I went to a concert with a male friend in college, 20-something years ago. We liked the same obscure band which was playing nearby and we decided to go together. I drove him out to West Hollywood (in retrospect the gayest part of Los Angeles) and since we arrived early we got frappuccinos at Starbucks and walked around the neighborhood talking. We then went to the venue, watched the concert, had a great evening, and drove back to uni and went our separate ways. To this day I don't know if we were just two friends with a common interest or if this was two confused guys on a date. I don't dare ask him now! Hah. Anyway I guess I don't have a question other than "what weird surprises were in your memory when you started coming out and began to look back?"
I think it’s amazing how easy it is to be oblivious to fairly obvious signs! Similar to you, I had a friend that when I look back on the friendship now, I definitely had a crush. Sometimes I think it might have been reciprocated, but I might just be seeing things that weren’t there. Another one...when I first started having sex with my (male) ex, I wasn’t really sure what to do and thought to myself “this would be easier if he were a woman”, but at the time, I didn’t really think much of it.
Weirdly I had a similar "was that a date?" experience with a girl that same year, which kinda cements my bi-ness in my mind. In both cases I really liked talking and hanging out with them, found them physically attractive enough, but didn't have active crushes on them. Both the boys and the girls I really crushed hard on back then I didn't dare ask out, but it felt very easy to go hang out with someone I found attractive and fun but wasn't pursuing romantically! And in both cases, halfway through I felt like maybe I was on a date with them but was too embarrassed to ask if they felt the same way. In some ways this makes me feel better about the idea of "dating" other people now to explore my sexuality while staying in a (slightly more "open") relationship with my wife: I know I can have a good time enjoying someone's company and finding them attractive without being madly in love with them, and I feel safer with the idea that I could extend that into sexual activity that is specifically meant to be a side thing from my primary relationship. I'm middle aged now and I *sure* don't want to date people looking for a new relationship. That's hard and stressful, and I already have a relationship I want to keep! But I crave the fun, the sexual experimentation, and the good feeling of having someone cool like me back a bit (and sometimes have a penis).
Hi Lucas Thanks for your posts. You’re definitely not alone. I’m a late bloomer as well (40s) but I think deep down I always knew, I just never wanted to admit to it. My first (and only) experience was with my best friend the summer going into 5th grade and for years I tried to deny anything had happened or it es just curiousity at that age, whatever it was I would not accept that maybe I was bi or gay. During high school I was extremely shy and liked girls but always felt intimidated by them. I dated a few times but always felt inferior. That said I remember getting hit on by gay guys where I worked and felt disgusted or repulsed on the surface but deep down I was excited that someone found me attractive. I also had a strong emotional bond to several friends in high school that may have been indicative of repressed or suppressed attraction. Anyway I’m still trying to find myself at my age and at times I do regret not being more open to exploring my sexuality more when I was younger but we are all a work in progress.
Hi Lucas Thanks for your posts. You’re definitely not alone. I’m a late bloomer as well (40s) but I think deep down I always knew, I just never wanted to admit to it. My first (and only) experience was with my best friend the summer going into 5th grade and for years I tried to deny anything had happened or it es just curiousity at that age, whatever it was I would not accept that maybe I was bi or gay. During high school I was extremely shy and liked girls but always felt intimidated by them. I dated a few times but always felt inferior. That said I remember getting hit on by gay guys where I worked and felt disgusted or repulsed on the surface but deep down I was excited that someone found me attractive. I also had a strong emotional bond to several friends in high school that may have been indicative of repressed or suppressed attraction. Anyway I’m still trying to find myself at my age and at times I do regret not being more open to exploring my sexuality more when I was younger but we are all a work in progress.
Hi Lucas Thanks for your posts. You’re definitely not alone. I’m a late bloomer as well (40s) but I think deep down I always knew, I just never wanted to admit to it. My first (and only) experience was with my best friend the summer going into 5th grade and for years I tried to deny anything had happened or it es just curiousity at that age, whatever it was I would not accept that maybe I was bi or gay. During high school I was extremely shy and liked girls but always felt intimidated by them. I dated a few times but always felt inferior. That said I remember getting hit on by gay guys where I worked and felt disgusted or repulsed on the surface but deep down I was excited that someone found me attractive. I also had a strong emotional bond to several friends in high school that may have been indicative of repressed or suppressed attraction. Anyway I’m still trying to find myself at my age and at times I do regret not being more open to exploring my sexuality more when I was younger but we are all a work in progress.
Thanks, it feels affirming to know others have had similar experiences and feelings. I'm starting to feel really good about starting to accept and explore this finally.
I made a list for myself of signs over the years and laughed at how long it was - no one thing seemed obvious to me when it was happening. I think what kept me from seeing it is that I never fell in love - the attraction to women was there, the interest in lesbians was there, but no woman ever noticed me nor did I ever make space in my mind to develop any romantic attachment. It seemed to me like if youd never been in love, it mustnt be a thing.
