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I Don't Know What I Am

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by SiaMango, Jun 23, 2020.

  1. SiaMango

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    East Coast, USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    When I was 15, my best friend in high school came out as bisexual to me. I was very curious about what that meant, and long story short, she ended up being the first person I had a sexual experience with. As a matter of fact, she became my first relationship. Sadly, it was short lived. For her, it was a phase. For me, it was my first heart break and I've identified as bisexual ever since. Now, as a 30 year old woman, I've never been more confused about my sexuality. Last year, I was convinced I was gay. I even came out to my brothers and mom. Then I took it back because I still find men attractive too.When I think about sleeping with a man however, just the thought makes me clam up to the whole idea. I have slept with men, but I need liquid courage to even get to that point.. what does that say? Not the case when I think about sleeping with women. There's only one man I can even consider being with right now, but he's actually taken.So maybe I think that because subconsciously I know it won't happen and therefore I don't have anxiety about it. I don't know.. I just don't know what I am. And I'm afraid to be gay.. because of how my life might change. Because of judgement. Because of my dad. Because of my Christian roots. A lot of reasons I guess. I just thought I would know who I am by now. I need advice :/
     
  2. BiGemini87

    Advisor Full Member

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    Location:
    Pembroke, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That's a tough one. I'd say because you're still attracted to men, you're bi, but maybe with stronger sexual leanings towards women?

    You don't have to answer these questions here, but they might help you sort out your feelings/attractions. How did you feel during the act with men? Aside from needing "liquid courage", did you enjoy the experience? Were you aroused prior to the act, did you feel good afterwards, or did it feel wrong?

    It might also be a current stage in your life. Not the bisexuality or whatever your orientation might be, but more that there are things going on inside of you and outside of you that might be contributing to your unease with sleeping with men (only fantasizing about it regarding one you know you can't have because it feels safe).

    I wish I had the answers, but sadly, I don't. I hope this helps some, at least. :slight_smile:
     
  3. AngryKat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Melbourne, Australia
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It might be that you’re Homosexual, Biromantic (or some variation on the theme of separating attraction types). Or you’re just a 5 out of 6 on the Kinsey scale (5 is “incidental heterosexual behaviour”, 6 being “Exclusively homosexual”). There’s a scale that’s more advanced than Kinsey (the purple red scale) that might be worth checking out as well.

    I think it might be worth exploring all the different ways people divide and categorise sexuality. If I was in your position, I wouldn’t classify myself and purely gay (as it sounds like you’re at least a little bisexual) but that’s up to you to decide.
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

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    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    You’re not alone in questioning you’re sexuality in 30s, so try to not beat yourself up. It happens and a browse through the “Later in Life” section will show you that.

    Nobody here can tell you what you’re sexuality is, but it might help to have a think about what you want your future to look like. Put all your concerns to one side for a moment and just think about what you want.

    Keep posting too. It helps.