I have a lovely boyfriend, but I'm almost positive I'm gay

Hi y'all,

I've been on quite the journey with my sexuality over the past six months or so.

I've identified as bisexual since I was about twelve (I'm now twenty-one), but in November, I had a Great Big Gay Epiphany. I started identifying as a lesbian, came out to all of my family and friends, and I felt good. I engaged with other lesbians online and felt a true sense of community I hadn't felt before.

The problem begins here: in March, one of my best friends (now boyfriend) came to visit me in my hometown over our spring break. I met him the previous semester in a class we shared when we were assigned partners for a project and we found out quickly that we are immensely compatible. I thought at the beginning I had a crush on him -- he seemed perfect to me, attractive and intelligent and the only straight man I'd ever willingly spend time with. We have the same major and so many commonalities. Over time, my attraction faded as I started to realize I was gay.

Then spring break began.
He met my sister, parents, and all of my high school best friends. All of them said the same thing to me: he likes you, and you two are far too affectionate to be anything less than romantically involved. I started to believe it, too. I knew he had feelings for me; he was pretty transparent with them, but he was super respectful of my boundaries and never pushed me. He was perfectly content being my friend, and because of this I knew he respected and valued me. He's theoretically perfect for me in every sense. So... I admitted feelings to him.

We began dating and things picked up pretty quickly. We're applying to the same grad schools, planning a future together, and we even have a milestone timeline.

But I've noticed that every time I'm apart from him, my mind wanders to women. I yearn in a way I could only describe as painful; I haven't known what for, because I've been so happy in my relationship with him, but I know now that I want a partnership with a woman. I've spent this summer break at home (due to coronavirus and roommate quarrels), three hours away from him, and I find myself browsing lesbian blogs, listening to music by lesbians and reading their poetry, and flirting with a female coworker of mine quite frequently. I'm to visit him next week, and I don't want to be put in the reality that we're more than best friends again. I don't think this is normal of a woman who is truly attracted to men.

I'm pretty accepting of the fact that I'm most likely a lesbian, but I desperately don't want to hurt him. He's always told me that he would be okay if I figured out that I want to be with a woman instead of him, but that's a bold presumption and not a guarantee. Breaking his heart will break mine, especially if he decides remaining close to me will be too much to handle. He's very certain about me, and I feel so guilty knowing that I can't reciprocate. I truly do love him, but I don't think I can love him the way he needs.

Would I be jumping the gun if I broke up with him? I'm so scared that I'll realize later that I do indeed like men and I made the wrong choice. But I don't know how much longer I can live with these feelings. He's so, so, so important to me, and the idea of hurting him absolutely devastates me.

I don't know quite what I'm asking for, but if anyone has been in this position and can offer advice... I would be more than glad to hear it.


(P.S. Please don't suggest that I engage with polyamory/an open relationship or that I might have a sort of split-attraction -- I firmly know that both of those things will be harmful to the both of us. I am happy for you if they work for you, but they will not in this situation. I'm more-so looking for advice on how to handle this type of breakup or these awful, guilty feelings.)