Confused and Terrified

I’m pretty sure at this point I’m bisexual. No one knows, although I used to joke with a bi friend about it, but felt extremely uncomfortable because I was still very confused and scared. At that time everything started adding up that I may be bisexual. But I was always confused because I never liked feminine girls but I really liked feminine guys. I was drunk one night and I “came out” to a friend over text. She was very surprised and was like wow I had no idea. She started asking me how it happened. She was very supportive though. Then I decided to come out on Facebook by changing my profile status from only interested in men to interested in women and men. I started bantering with a friend about liking girls in her comments. I kept asking myself if I really did like girls or if I was just making it up. That made me feel very uncomfortable and I decided you know what, i’m just going to end up liking and marrying a guy. My mom won’t accept me for who I am if I did tell her what was going on. That was a few years ago.

Fast forward to current times, i’ve been stuck in quarantine for three months now and haven’t been able to go out and meet new people. So I’ve been online a lot. One night, not having anything to do I was sitting alone and I thought about a guy I dated a long time ago. He was very cute and I didn’t fully connect with him even though he was very nice and expressed many times that he liked me. Then I realized I never connected to any other guy I’ve ever went out with. Yes I did like them but the connection wasn’t strong enough to be fully romantic or anything. It always felt forced. If anything I felt like puppy love.

One night I remember being on Twitter and J. K. Rowling was trending. (i’m not going to talk about what she said because it might trigger somebody.) I decided to look through her tweets to see why she was trending. She mentioned the words “butch lesbian” in one of her tweets. Not fully knowing what that meant I decided to Google it. And honestly that was like some kind of wake up call. Everything just fell in place. I used to just think that I liked femboys or guys who liked to dress androgynous. but a memory hit me why I argued with a friend many years ago.
A few years back one of my best friends have became friends with someone we knew back in school. I got super jealous and yelled at her. She was very upset and asked me why I was yelling at her for helping her friend. I kept saying it wasn’t fair that she was friends with her and that I want to be with friends with her too. I knew the girl was lesbian.
My friend told me that the girl didn’t want anything to do with me. I was super mad and started crying. My friend threatened to break our friendship because she said I was controlling her. Over a couple weeks of bantering, we finally decided to make up. But deep down inside I was always jealous of her. Over the course of the years I just thought I was jealous of her because they lived closer together then I did. But that night it hit me that the reason I was mad at my friend was because I had a crush on the other girl.
In the moment of remembering, I knew that I liked girls more than guys. Everything about my life made sense. Every time I was confused, it all made sense.
The next day I woke up feeling liberated and happy, but also terrified and embarrassed. I started looking up articles and watched videos from the LGBTQ community and I never felt more sense of belonging and understanding, but also fear.
Right now I’m at a place where I know what I like and who I like and being honest with that part of myself but also being horrified and embarrassed of who I am. I know I shouldn’t be but it’s so hard. I feel like I’m saying goodbye to the old me and letting go of the old me even though that’s not true. I’m still me, I still like the same music, the same clothes, etc.
I don’t have anyone to talk to or community of LGBTQ people I can relate to personally. I know for a fact my family won’t accept me. As for my friends I don’t know how they will react. I don’t want to tell anybody I know how I am.
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? Has anyone gone through something similar? If you read thus far I’m thankful.

 

Thanks! I’ve been researching online and the more I identify with being bi the I’m more scared of what other people will think of me. Nobody I know knows who I really am and I don’t know how they will react if they found out.