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`Emotionally Intimate Friendship`OR `Romantically Attracted`?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by case121, Jun 16, 2020.

  1. case121

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    Dear All,

    I have been reading many threads on EC regarding this issue, but still wonder what should be exactly considered as `intimate friendship` and what as `romantic attraction`.

    As far as I conclude now, only the fact of wanting to have sex with someone is making the difference between these two forms of intimacy. But, I am much more interested, how other EC members/staff look at this?

    Lately I have a lot of thoughts and dreams about a guy I used to spend a lot of time with in University more than 2 decades ago. We could get along pretty well and I kind of admired him. Labeling this as `Intimate Friendship` feels kind of strange, but I might be wrong. Other people have these similar experiences or different thoughts regarding this?

    Cheers, case











    "romantically attracted" typically say that they love and care for the other person, but have zero interest in sex.) So to me, there really isn't much other way to describe this other than "emotionally intimate friendship"
     
  2. Chip

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    There is zero credible research to show any indication of discordant romantic vs sexual attraction. Thus, you're correct. There's no difference. Nobody even mentioned 'romantic attraction' until a few years ago when it became a term du jour advocated, with no evidence, no basis, and nothing other than a small-but-loud group of folks deciding something was the case.

    So no, there's no difference between "romantic attraction" and "emotionally intimate friendship" because they are the same thing.

    If you have thoughts and dreams of a non-sexual nature (meaning, it's about spending time and hanging out, but there's no sense of sexual arousal, desire, etc) about someone... that's friendship. Whether it's emotionally intimate or not depends on the mutual vulnerability and depth of the friendship.
     
  3. case121

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    Thanks Chip, I do understand the first and third part of your reply, but the 2nd part makes me confused. I thought, based on previous posts en emotional intimate friendship should be regarded not the same as a romantic attraction? Or did I misunderstand?
     
  4. Chip

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    I think you misunderstood. At least from my perspective (and I would be open to change, were anyone to present compelling data to justify that change), the two are identical. I'm
    of the opinion that since they are identical, the "romantic orientation" thing should just be tossed entirely, and replaced with the other term, since all it really seems to do is keep people who are gay from acknowledging they are gay.

    Discordant romantic and sexual orientation is the 2020 version of saying "I'm bisexual" , which used to be the term that people used during the 'bargaining' phase of coming to terms with being gay... which, in turn, creates stigma with people who are genuinely bisexual. Many people wrongly assume that all bisexuals are gay and haven't come out yet, and that isn't helped by people misusing the label. From my experience the folks who now claim discordant romantic and sexual orientation either haven't come to terms with being gay, or there's a significant emotional/mental health issue getting in the way of emotional intimacy.
     
  5. case121

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    Thanks Chip, but my confusion gets bigger instead of smaller:slight_smile: I wonder if we talk about the same thing.

    In many different posts on EC I saw quotes, also from you, that an `emotionally intimate friendship` is NOT the same as `Romantic attraction`:

    I understand the bargaining thing, but thought you used the term emotionally intimate friendship for connections where no sexual feelings are at stake and could also describe a true bonding between guys without being romantic?
     
  6. case121

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    Hi Chip, Also from one of your previous posts, under here, I did understand `emotionally intimate friendship` was more a `bonding thing` than anything Romantic/Sexual.

     
  7. Chip

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    I am pretty confident that I have never stated that there is a difference between romantic attraction and emotionally intimate friendship. I've heard others make an argument to that effect, but nobody can provide anything, even anecdotally, that differentiates the two, and as I've previously said, there's no credible evidence of discordant romantic and sexual orientation in any of the research or literature I've seen.

    "Romantic attraction" is described as a feeling of deep, emotional closeness to another person, but without any sexual attraction, or any desire to have sex.

    There is no desire to have sex.
    There is no sexual attraction.
    There is a deep sense of connection to the person.
    There is mutual vulnerability

    If you watched Glee, think of Kurt Hummel and all of his BFF girlfriends. That's emotionally intimate friendship. It is indistinguishable from what is described as "romantic attraction". The sex/gender of the other person is irrelevant.

    Emotionally intimate friendship is exactly the same thing as romantic attraction.
     
    #7 Chip, Jun 17, 2020
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2020
  8. case121

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    Thanks Chip, English is not my mother tongue, that might cause some of the confusion:slight_smile:

    +
    Reading your comment this morning about `Will and Grace`, quoted above, I previously understood there IS a difference between Emotionally Intimate Friendship and Romantic Attraction.

    Do you mean that Will and Grace are `Romantically Attracted` and have an `Emotionally Intimate Friendship` as these are the same things?

    +
    My conclusion would be: As a guy I could be Romantically attracted to another guy without feeling any Sexual attraction or Sexual desire. Correct?

    But you also say:

    So based on this last quote I conclude I can NOT be `just` romantically attracted to a guy.

    Could you enlighten me for once and for all?:slight_smile:
     
  9. Chip

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    That may actually have been a bad example, because I forgot about the story arc I now have a vague recollection of where they were sort of trying to be a couple. And of course, I think Grace probably had genuine sexual attraction to Will, which complicates matters. What I was intending to speak about was the wonderful, authentic, vulnerable friendship they have, which is indistinguishable from what is described as "romantic attraction".

    I would say "As a guy, you can have an emotionally intimate friendship with a guy, which by the nature of it precludes sexual attraction or desire". I generally don't use the term "romantic attraction" because, basically, it's bullshit (and also functionally identical to the term that's been in use for decades or longer), and the other term more accurately describes what's going on.

    You can absolutely have a wonderful, deep, emotionally intimate friendship with a guy that has nothing to do with sexual attraction to him.
     
    #9 Chip, Jun 18, 2020
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2020