Can our relationship still work after boyfriend cheated?

It can still work but it depends on whether you feel you can still trust him and if he's genuinely committed to changing his ways in the long-term.

Working opposite shifts is an excuse. Being lonely and horny because you weren't there is an excuse. Joining a hook-up app, using it (more than once by the sound of it) to find someone he was interested in, and then cheating with them is a thought-out process. It's not something that just happens.

How long-term is it that your shifts aren't going to match up? If you're still working late nights in a year, is he going to get bored again? Is he willing to work on himself so that he can handle those times when he's lonely and you're not there?

 

I think the thing here is to understand the underlying issues.

So this might tell me that he's got major self-esteem issues. And if that's the case, what that usually translates to is, the sex is a way of (for a moment) making himself feel wanted and worthy. So the acting out of going on the apps and hooking up is essentially an addictive behavior... and for the most part, addictions are coping strategies for dealing with pain. In this case, the pain of not feeling worthy.

His saying he won't go on an app again is like the person with alcohol use disorder saying they'll never take another drink. It is absolutely well intentioned, but when the overwhelming feeling of pain (lack of worthiness) come up, the coping strategy is right there and it is near impossible to not engage in it when it is (for the moment) effective. So it is unlikely to be effective.

There's no easy solution. What he really needs is to explore the self-esteem issues. And that takes time, and usually means going to therapy. It also means having the willingness to go into that stuff, which isn't fun... but which will ultimately benefit him tremendously.

What you really have to ask yourself is what you want. The problem won't likely go away on its own. So either you'll continue to get hurt and disappointed, or he'll simply stop telling you, which will further damage the relationship. And another question to explore is your own sense of worthiness... is he worth it? Do you honestly, in your heart, believe you deserve someone who can be faithful? (Those aren't flippant or rhetorical questions; they are opportunities to think about what you want, and what your actions and unconscious behaviors and feelings dictate.)

If you believe that there's a future, that you are worthy of a healthy relationship, that he can get to that place and is willing to do the work to get there... it's a long road, but it could work. But only if the two of you are on the same page and willing to both do whatever self-work is required.

This is something that usually requires some introspection and thought and honest conversation between the two of you.

Keep us in the loop about how it goes.

 

Hi there! There is a part of me that wonders whether you are placing your boyfriend ahead of your own worthiness. The thing that stands out for me from your last couple of responses is your lack of self-esteem. All I would say is that don't do anything hasty, or something you could regret later on.

Definitely, work with your boyfriend on trying to get through this and building a relationship that allows you to trust him but throughout this process, it would be good to check in with yourself on wether the both of you put the same of efforts into this or is one doing more than the other.

 

I think you have already started on the path of rebuilding the relationship; however, I do agree with Chip that it can take some time for it to be rebuilt. Communicating, being open and honest are certainly important ingredients in rebuilding the trust and for the relationship to work out in the long-term. I will add though, giving yourself the space to do your own thing and have your own space is going to be as important. While I understand that it is on your mind, it is perhaps more so than it should be given that you have had (from the sounds of it) several productive conversations with him.

Another piece in this, is going to be you working on your own self-esteem, self-worth. It would be good to build that self-esteem, worthiness, independent of your relationship. What I mean here, is for you to be able to stand on your two feet, being able to see a reflection of yourself and be able to say to yourself, 'this is me and though I am not perfect and never will be - I am good with that; this is who I am, this is who I want to be, and these are my values that I will hold on to no matter what.'

You can still spend time with your boyfriend. Make it a point of speaking with him over the phone (not text messaging) and/or video calling. There are quite a few options to bridge the gap allowing you to still be able to continue working on rebuilding your relationship, continuing the open communication with him.

 

Someone who stays in a dysfunctional relationship for 7 years, where both of them are cheating... is not someone who has the best self esteem. Keep in mind that sometimes the most insecure people are also the most arrogant, with the strongest false self confidence. It is the subtle behaviors that stem from the unconscious that give them away.

That seemed likely from what you said about your own feelings/perspective.

Well... no offense, but what you are describing is pretty much a textbook description of the battered spouse... "But he's such a wonderful person when he isn't beating me. He always treats me kindly afterwards." And we know that battered spouses stay in these abusive relationships becuase their own self esteem is so far in the shitter that they honestly don't believe they deserve better. I'm not saying that you're in that situation by any means, only that there are probably some traits there that are worth looking at.

*If* this is done as much to benefit you as it is to benefit him (meaning, that you could get a better job, a higher paying job, one that would be more fulfilling, or all three), then it is worth considering. I would not, however, take an inferior job or a pay cut, as you need to take care of yourself. Your needs are as important, and arguably more important, than his.

 

The furlough (assuming you get the pay everyone else seems to be eligible for) could be a blessing in giving you time to think about this.

Keep in mind that the loving, helpful and attentive is textbook exact to what an abusive spouse does after an abusive episode. Again, not saying this is abuse in the normal sense, but it is for sure a 'honeymoon period'. If he is really serious, then he should get into therapy and work on the issues that underlie the behavior. He is unlikely to be successful changing it simply by force of will.

Take this time and think about you and what you want, separate from this relationship. What are your goals? What do you want in life? Is what you're doing now moving you in that direction? This isn't a answer-in-30-minutes exercise, it's something that might take you a week or two of really thinking. And that might help you figure out what's next.

 

Do you want to have it out with him? What more do you need to know?

 

Ah, ok. Take care of yourself and be strong.

 

Honestly, it sounds like you’ve done all you can do. For me, a relationship without trust isn’t a relationship. I think you probably need someone who wants the same things as you and puts in the effort. In short, I think you deserve better.

Im really sorry to hear it though, I know it must be heartbreaking. But you’ll be alright in the end - it’ll just take time. A lot of time! Be kind and patient with yourself while you’re working through it.

 

You are doing the right thing. Rest assured, he'll pull out all the stops and convince you that *THIS* time will be different... he'll do this or that... and if you care about yourself, the correct answer is likely "No, that ship has sailed. We already had this conversation, you had your chance."

I would not take any excuses, explanations, justifications. No amount of crying or begging. He'll try it all. I can pretty much guarantee it.

The key for you is to stay strong, and to recognize that you. deserve. better.

Set a very clear and firm deadline for his getting out. A month is generous. And on the 32nd day, he needs to be gone. Not offering excuses, pleading, or coming up with reasons why he should stay.

The problem with folks like this is that they can be very manipulative, and for folks like yourself with low self esteem, it's really easy to get suckered.

I am confident you can do the right thing. It will suck, but you'll be much better for it in the long run.