Hi all, I am a 22 year old male and have had severe issues with anxiety since I was a toddler. I am currently extremely confused with my sexuality and scared I am losing or have lost a big part of what used to be me, that is my straight feelings. Through childhood (from 6 up until about 14) I was very excited by the idea of nudity whether it be boy or girl and would often experiment by playing doctor etc. My fantasies however would only involve women and I couldn't for the life of me figure out how people find men physically attractive and how people can be gay. I used to go to bed every night and think of my crush or just about girls and sex in general. These feelings of mad interest in girls never wavered and I even looked up gay porn one day when young just to see what it was and found it super disinteresting. Around 13 I started having severe OCD that I was going to start smoking even though I didn't want to and after about 8 months I said to myself jokingly as part of a ritual that 'Id rather be gay than be a smoker'. This started off with a slow obsession about being gay but got worse and worse as time went on. After 6 months or so I had my first sign of arousal to gay porn. It kept happening more and more frequently and my interest in straight porn was severely diminished. I was an absolute mess with the anxiety it was causing me. The emotional pain was something I can't even describe and I honestly just wanted to accept I was gay rather than go through the checking and the proving and the mental rituals trying to prove I was still straight but I couldnt. As I got older I had times where I would be obsession free for a while but if I had a thought that I might be gay I sometimes went down the rabbit hole again and would end up checking which resulted in arousal which would send me into anxiety attacks and dark thoughts to try and escape this hell. Around 18 I ended up getting a girlfriend and the first few months when holding her hand or touching her leg or something was like nothing I've ever experienced. It was pure euphoria. Eventually OCD kicked in again and I got worried I didn't love her and that feeling never went away through our 5 year relationship. I then got aroused by a gay thought again which started another 2 years of obsessions before I finally got help, went on the right medication and finally got to a place where I could accept my arousal to gay porn. I still had sex with my girlfriend and enjoyed it but the gay porn was more exciting sometimes in a different way. It felt better but there wasn't the same feeling as there was having sex with my girlfriend. I noticed when watching gay porn that if it focused too much on the man or had anything that didn't focus on the genitals or bottom I would lose interest. It sometimes felt as if I was interested in the genitals because it made me think of mine and I haven't thought of my body in a sexual exploration thing since my first OCD onset. The problem is that now straight porn hasn't aroused me properly in years and gay porn does. After recently breaking up with my girlfriend I tried to do something with a man but found it really gross at the time. I was also anxious which worries me because maybe that's the only reason I didn't enjoy it. I was excited before the encounter but when it actually came to it, it was terrible. I know I have OCD because I've also obsessed about other thenes but my situation is different when it comes to being gay because there is actual evidence I might be which is apparently not the case with people who suffer generic OCD about there sexuality. My questions are: -If I am gay, when does the real life element kick in? Currently it's just gay porn and I don't have any interest in real life men or them naked. Went to Japan and in the onsens I saw all my mates nude and it didn't stir anything in my. I cant even fantasise about doing something with any of them or the other people I saw naked in the onsens. I see guys in movies and shows and am not interested in what people see as attractive males. Even seeing a gay type scene in the Netflix show "Sex Education" grossed me out because it was two real men having sex. This confused me because the fantasy of porn can arouse me but when it's a real dude there is something in me that finds it boring and kinda weird. Is it just homophobia? If I felt the same way about guys as I did about women then I wouldn't have any problems embracing it. I just don't think I could date a guy. -Has anyone else experienced a massive shift in sexuality from when they were younger to a point where only gay porn can excite you even though you used to be obsessed with straight porn and the women in it? I cant even explain how excited naked women got me before my OCD about being gay. -Is it possible I am hiding romantic feelings for men because I have never had a crush on a man? How do I break through this and start enjoying life again. -If I am just bisexual, why does straight porn not interest me as much? I had fun with my girlfriend but the porn was more exciting than sex.
The problem with OCD is that it literally hijacks everything else. Additionally, anxiety, by itself, tends to diminish sex drive. Before you can discern what's going on, you need to get the OCD under control. Are you officially diagnosed? Getting treatment? If so, is it medication, therapy, or both?
I am officially diagnosed but before the breakup for about 12 months I was completely in the clear of OCD due to changing to new medications. In that time period I accepted that some specific types of gay porn turned me on much more than straight (albeit I was only in the mood about once every two weeks) and I didn't care why. I settled with being bisexual but didn't need certainty or anything. When I was not actively persuing porn for pleasure reasons I had absolutely no indication that I was gay. Didn't find men attractive on a body level, especially in real life and wanted sex with my girlfriend (also not too often). I am confident if I never had OCD about being gay then to this day I would still be 100% straight but unlike other people suffering OCD I have come out of it with arousal to gay porn and interest in trying gay things but can't because I lose interest when it's a real life thing instead of a fantasy. Straight porn doesn't interest me anymore. It's scary and frustrating because since the breakup my OCD has reared its head again and I'm back to needing certainty and trying to convince myself I'm straight even though I didn't care for 12 months in the past. I've had OCD about many other sexual themes and at the time they all felt the same but when it came to gay porn I actually had sexual reactions to it after months of checking. I'm not in the same state I used to be. I will accept I'm gay if I am but I just can't break the barrier between porn/fantasy and real life.
So... OCD does not change one's sexual orientation. If you were straight before having OCD-like symptoms, you are still straight. It's also really unlikely that you'd be straight and unaware and in denial, and then have OCD suddenly break through that denial. It's possible, I suppose, that you could have always been bi and somehow the constant checking brought about by OCD brought that to light, but it would be *extremely* unlikely. What you're dealing with now is almost undoubtedly OCD, and it's entirely possible the current OCD is either brought on by, or exacerbated by, the breakup. Entirely separately from that, porn over time tends to desensitize us. So the simplest way to reset that wiring is to give it up entirely for a month. In the meantime, use your own fantasies you create in your head. It might take a week or two for that to work effectively, but it will eventually start to come back. At that point, you can decide if you want to go back to porn, or simply stay with fantasies. (With the OCD history, it might be better to stick with the fantasies.)
Hi Chip, Thankyou so much for your replies, they have been very helpful. I am very confused with my feelings at the moment because when in the mood to watch porn and so on I can become interested in trying something with a man but as soon as it becomes a real life man in my imagination I get confused and lose interest. Even when attempting something with a man a month or so back I was excited by some of the pictures before we met but when I saw the man in real life and it became real I felt awkward and disinterested. I just can't make sense of how gay porn (specific types not focusing on the body or the face etc, only genitals) consistently interests me more than straight porn and has for years but me not be at least bisexual. I know I have had OCD but for a whole year last year I accepted I was probably bisexual and didn't care indicating the OCD was not active at the time. How can a straight guy go through life only being interested in gay porn and something not be up ahah. Thanks in advance for any replies.
If you've been diagnosed with OCD, this is something I'd take up with your therapist (assuming you have one.) If you don't, your best bet is going to be to find a therapist with a specialty in OCD. The nature of how OCD impacts the brain is that it influences thoughts. Things can seem ordinary and normal that aren't. And you can't simply stop thinking about something. It does sound like what you're describing is way beyond normal denial or anxiety that one would typically have coming out, and requires a more complex workup and diagnostic. This isn't something anyone can competently diagnose or address over the internet.
Hi Chip, The thing that confuses me is that I am legitimately more interested in gay porn than straight porn ever since I first started questioning/obsessing 7 years ago. Last year I was completely OCD free and used gay porn much more frequently than straight porn. I know that OCD can make me feel things that aren't real but I didn't have any OCD patterns at the time and found gay porn exciting and pleasurable and didn't feel any shame. I still do and will acceptsaccept whatever I have to but haven't really found any real life attraction. I definately think I had and sometimes still do have episodes of OCD but right now Im just wondering if it is common for interests in porn and sometimes fantasy for pleasure purposes to be skewed like mine are if I am straight. I can accept being gay or bisexual, I just want to know if this sort of thing has happened or can happen to people and what it might mean for me Thankyou
I have seen a therapist and am seeing one and one of their suggestions was to use forums to talk to other people that might know about what I'm going through if this is something LGBT persons actual go through
Yikes. It sounds like you don't have a therapist who has a deep understanding of LGBT issues or OCD. The latter is absolutely essential; having both would be really helpful. As to the specific issue, your best bet would be to give up porn entirely for a month or two, and rely on fantasies you create in your head. It will probably take a week or two to be able to masturbate effectively without porn, but once you get to that point, it should then become fairly clear whether you have genuine fantasies for same-sex over opposite sex. Then again... the OCD can interfere with this as well, so it isn't an absolute, but it's at least a place to start. Even better would be doing that and switching to a therapist who specializes in OCD and has deep understanding of LGBT issues.
