High days and off days!

Yes I had them all the time.
When I was younger and in denial the off days were very bad, when the off days occurred I was a very angry young man. Angry with the world and not pleasant to be around. As I aged and came to terms with my homosexuality the off days have tapered off a bit, though I still get them. I think maturity has helped me control the off days. When I say maturity I mean by growing old!

 

As gay being in an opposite sex relationship, likely even makes it harder as there is a partner involved and guilt feelings might be stronger compared to being single.

 

Coming out was like the biggest rollercoaster I have ever been on. There were really high highs and really low lows and they seemed to change from one to the other quickly and often without warning.

 

Not on my sexuality, but I did have these these high days and off days in the days leading up to my Phoenix Day(the day I had my revelation about myself. My rebirth if you will).
On the “high days” I’d wear an unpadded/unlined bra/bralette and I’d feel good, I’d feel like the cloud that was over me wasn’t as thick and grey. I’d feel better than when I didn’t. I’d not drink, or not drink as much on those days. I hadn’t realized it at the time, but those times I “Girl Moded” it, it was like the cloud was blown away. Following the day of my burning(keeping with the Phoenix metaphor here) the number of days where I’d either partially or fully Girl Mode it increased. I never fully went Girl Mode it at work until I had my meeting with my managers, one because I wasn’t sure how they would react, and two because I wasn’t yet ready.
On these low days, I’d purely “Boy Mode” it. I’d not feel good, it was like the cloud was there and it was thick and black. These days I’d drink, rather heavily. I knew it wasn’t a healthy coping mechanism, but I didn’t care. All I knew was that the pain I was feeling was dulled. All I knew is that when I dulled the pain, the obsessions of “who am I” went away.

Before the day of my burning, I’d never think about partially Girl Moding at work, I never even thought of it as an option. All I ever did before that day was wear a tank top under my work shirt.

Of course my managers probably figured something was going on, but they never brought anything up until I sent the email needing to set up a meeting to “discuss a major life change”. Of course in that email I didn’t mention anything about what this life change was, but they figured it out between the two of them. To top things off, the night I had my revelation I had Girl Moded to karaoke that night, and I something I heard had gotten the gears working in my head, and it finally got the “is this me” to become “this is me”. Such a simple transposition in print, such a difficult change to do in reality.

 

I came Out to 6 years ago but last year told my uncle who raised me last year, I do experience highs and lows .. but at the end of the day I’m happy that I’m out and proud of myself. I hope my lows go away.. sucks

 

I sort of know what your talking about, and mine is more gender related than sexuality related. The difference for me is that on my off days, I mainly just feel blah, and not so much wishing I wasn't queer.

 

Do you know what drives the lows?

 

Mine aren't particularly extreme, but I've had my share of highs and lows regarding my bisexuality in the past year. Sometimes I'm completely okay with it, other days I feel ashamed of being attracted/aroused at the sight of other women. Some of this, I suspect, comes from this weird idea in my head that I'm not good enough (I've gone through this with guys all my life, so I guess I became so used to it, it just became background noise). I mean, logically I know I can fantasize about whatever I want, that fantasizing doesn't mean I'm actually expecting anything.

But I guess there's always going to be that part that insists, if I could, the attraction wouldn't be mutual anyway.

So in a nutshell: some of it has to do with my orientation, some of it is just anxiety and self-esteem issues.

 

I question myself still even though I know the truth, still a little in denial.

 

As far as my experience the high and low days are much driven by unconsciousness.

I can feel horrible sometimes without being triggered by something and also can feel happy without an obvious catalyst, so assume 'deep inside' in the factory things happen...'Background noise' as Bigemini87 describes it that colors the mood.

 

Do you think the questioning comes from you wishing it wasn't true?