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Falling for a Friend - Advice?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by SgtJude, Apr 5, 2020.

  1. SgtJude

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    I'm sure this topic has been covered before but I was interested to hear people's experiences with this issue. This has affected me at various points for four years and I remain unsure how to mentally go about dealing with this.

    I'm gay, 20, and out to close friends and family (in other words the people I care about). I have a best friend of seven years from school (who I will call James and is certifiably straight) who is currently my roommate as we both moved out of home for university/college. He has been the most supportive person in my life since being his friend. I have shared many of my happiest moments with him over the course of our friendship and we have celebrated many milestones together. He was the first person I ever came out to and has been nothing but supportive.

    If I am completely honest with myself, over the course of our friendship I have developed strong feelings for him several times. I have tried to deny and resist these feelings from forming as I never wanted me being gay to confound or complicate our bond in anyway. I have never mentioned these times when I have had feelings for him, and have always waited for them to go away. Overall however, my feelings for him have consistently waxed and waned. As we are still close friends today, this has never been an issue that has externally affected our friendship. However, internally for me, there have been times where it has been extremely painful, particularly when James has dated girls. I have hated myself for being jealous despite wanting to be truly happy for my friend. This has led me to even resent James at times because of my own problems in having these unrequited feelings, which has made me only feel extremely selfish, isolated and ashamed by my emotions.

    Part of the issue is that I have never been in a relationship myself and have only been on a handful of dates. I think if I was in a relationship of my own, I could put these feelings I have for James truly to bed (as did happen when I was very briefly dating for a month). But, I have this somewhat irrational fear of being alone forever and watching my friendship with James drift apart as we inevitably move off into our careers and if he someday has a family of his own with his own priorities. I only want to be happy for my friend as he reaches these milestones in adulthood and I would hate my own selfish issues to complicate my happiness for him.

    Part of me thinks he would be very supportive even if I told him about my feelings as he has never done anything to suggest otherwise. But, I have never wanted to tell him for two reasons. Firstly, I don't know what utility it would actually have in reducing the paint it causes me at times, whilst at the risk of irrevocably altering our friendship. Secondly, I had a difficult experience myself when I was 13 (before I knew I was gay myself) where I had a gay friend who confessed his unrequited feelings for me and despite me being very supportive towards him, he emotionally manipulated and blackmailed me for several months in what became a very toxic friendship. My biggest fear is I could somehow end up doing that to James if I confessed my feelings to him (even though I know this is irrational).

    The one thing I hate about being gay personally is how easy it is to fall for people who will never be attracted to you. I have no expectation that James would ever date me as I am completely confident he is straight. I just don't understand why I cannot take this at face-value as my feelings don't seem to ever truly go anyway. I truly wish my feelings would go away so the beautiful friendship that we have could remain uncomplicated. I'd like to think that they will fade with time, but after being friends with him for seven years already, all in all, I have had feelings for much longer than any other brief "crush" which has always faded with time.

    I apologize for the lengthy post and I would greatly appreciate any feedback or advice people that have been in similar situations have about unrequited love for a friend. I have personally decided for sometime that I would prefer to maintain my friendship and endure the pain of non-reciprocated feelings over the thought of telling James that I cannot be friends with him anymore. He is the greatest friend I have and have ever had, and that is completely aside from any romantic inclinations I have had. We had been friends before I knew I was gay as a teenager in school anyway.
     
  2. GatoAzul

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    I can really relate to you here. I also have an unrequited crush on my absolute best friend and I value the friendship more than anything, so have also accepted the waxing and waning of the inevitable pain and jealously I sometimes feel.

    I am lucky enough to have a supportive best friend, who I decided to tell about my feelings for her. We've actually spoken about it several times, and each time it has provided me with some brief relief, as it has knocked me out of denial or wishful thinking, even though rationally I'm always aware she doesn't feel the same way, but hearing it from her really kills my feelings... For a while... But unfortunately they always come back. I'm not saying that's how it would be for you, but for me my feelings are just something I have to live with, and nothing I have tried will make them go away. Even if I dated another person, I think I'd still have a soft spot for her. So you can confess your feelings if you think it wouldn't affect your friendship, and you think it would help, but from my experience if you already know he is 100% not interested in you, hearing it from him may not make your feelings go away regardless, as you'll always love him at least as a friend which makes the crush harder to shake off.

    From what you've written you're already aware, but I think the best solution is to start dating other people while maintaining the friendship. I know it's hard, I haven't managed more than a first date, but also just making other friends and making sure he's not the only thing in your life. Easier said than done, I know.
     
  3. SgtJude

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    Thank you for your reply GatoAzul, it's quite comforting to know I'm not the only one. I apologize for the late reply personally (I'm not on here much) but I sincerely appreciate your message.

    Fortunately I do have other friends I am quite close with and have other people in my life. I've tried dating too but not with much success - I find it quite difficult to put myself out there.

    Sometimes I have come close to telling him but like you said, other than a temporary relief perhaps, I doubt whether that would make the feelings go away. I guess I am trying to just work at convincing myself that regardless of my feelings, we are friends for a reason and have been for a long time, and the bouts of temporary pain and jealousy I experience will get better and fade whilst our friendship can remain strong. Even if it is sometimes bittersweet, I think he'll always be a special and important part of my life.

    I truly wish you all the best in the situation with your friend too and I hope one day we'll both find our own peace.
     
  4. WhiteShadows

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    Yeah, that's really rough. Sorry you're going through this :frowning2:

    I found that distance helped me, which was a difficult thing to accept since I wanted to be with my best friend all the time. In fact, my feelings only truly went away after living in another country for a year (which is not always a practical option...). I found surrounding myself with other friends helped. As you mentioned, it is a risk but telling him could help. I told the second guy I had these kinds of feelings for (he actually asked me, which helped a lot), and that gave me the closure I needed.

    Anyway, it's really tough so I wish you all the best and good luck.
     
  5. mlansing

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    That is a tough situation and I have been there. I think what makes this situation worse for you is that you live with him and he is probably your main source of social interaction. The best thing to do, I think, would be to move out and get a little bit of distance. You can still be friends with him, of course, but it’s important that you form other relationships.

    Based on what kind of person he sounds like, I don’t think it would spoil the friendship if you told him your feelings. However, I don’t think that’s something that will help the situation. It’s difficult thinking rationally when you are around someone you like all the time, which is why I think some distance is necessary.

    You can still be friends, but for your own growth and mental health I think this would be best for you. You could even be upfront and say you need some distance because you’ve developed some feelings and you need some space for them to go away. I’m sure he would understand that. But telling him you have feelings without some kind of actionable plan I don’t think would help much in the long run.

    That’s just an outsider’s perspective, though, so take my advice with a grain of salt. I’ve just been in your shoes before on several occasions, until I finally decided no more living with cute guys unless we’re in a relationship because I would always end up developing feelings for them. I think that is even inevitable when you’re in close enough proximity with someone you’re attracted to for a prolonged period of time.
     
  6. Southpaw

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    I can definitely relate to this. I’ve had so many unrequited relationships haha. Usually they’ve involved someone I believe to at least be bi curious and who I picked up a certain vibe or mutual but carefully veiled attraction from. It’s super tough isn’t it.

    I think you do need to date other people and be confident in the fact that it’s amazing to have a best friend like him.

    The reality is - if you believe he is straight - he will never be able to reciprocate sexual feelings but that doesn’t mean he can’t love you as a friend and it may be worth questioning which you value more. The possibility of sexual connection or the value of friendship and emotional connection. In other words, if you could pick from two possibilities would you prefer the pain of your sexual attraction being unrequited or the joy of your friendship being real.

    The most painful thing as you mention is the thought of him moving away from you with his life as time goes on. That’s why I wouldn’t risk the friendship if possible.

    I think I would try to resolve things in my head first and once you have decided who you realistically want this person to be in your life then tell them the whole story. It may bring you closer. You may find that what you want most of all is to keep him as a friend and being interested in who he dates and chatting to him about your dates and other personal stuff may very well strengthen that particular bond. Good luck !!