Gay or Bi

I don't think anyone can tell you one way or another, but what we can do is tell you our experiences. Perhaps in doing so, it will help shed some light on your own.

In my case, I spent years (on/off) questioning my orientation. One fact remained: However conflicted I felt about my own sex, I knew for certain I was attracted to the opposite as well.

Even if being bisexual isn't a bother to you, it's only natural that you find yourself still wondering if it's the case or not. Given the fact that you have enjoyed sex with women, I'm inclined to say you aren't gay. While it isn't unheard of for gay/lesbian people to be in romantic/physical relationships with the opposite sex, there's usually a stark difference between their experiences and the experiences of bisexuals and heterosexuals. I encourage you to seek out some of their threads (many of which are in the LGBT Later in Life forum), for they can probably provide greater clarity than I can on this issue.

I also encourage you to explore what makes you think you could be bisexual. Do you feel attraction (emotional, physical or sexual--because the latter two, while connected, are not entirely the same) to men, or even just one man? How do your thoughts, feelings, and fantasies involving men differ from the ones you have of women? Do any of these thoughts or feelings (regarding either) feel forced, or natural?

I hope this helps, if only that it gets you on to the right path.

 

Hi, case121. I'm also new to EC and have been questioning for years. I don't know a lot about these topics (or else, I'd have figured out what I am by now, ha ha), but I can tell you a couple of things.

I thought I was straight for a really long time because society, family and religion made be want to be straight really badly. All this, despite mounting evidence of something else. Self-delusion is amazing. During those times I was totally okay with anyone on earth being LGBT+, except for myself. My point is that, according to my personal experience, it's perfectly possible to think that you have no problem with being non-straight, while you actually have a lot of internalised homo- or biphobia.

My advice is to follow BiGemini87's advice and think what kind of evidence you have to support the claim that men make you feel something. I'm finding her message very useful myself, so I'm sure that it will also be helpful to you.

And remember you're not alone!

 

For me, the only big game-changer so far has been realising that, even if I'm gay, everything's going to be alright (with time). I can say this because I live in an open-minded country, and so can you, given that you're in Germany.

My main difficulty is that I've always wanted to someday have biological children really really badly, and I could only conceive that within a "white picket fence" straight life. But then you see things like Anderson Cooper with his newborn and you realise that it's possible... And beautiful. In general, having role models is extremely important. I've read lots of abridged biographies of cool LBGT people and found it really helpful, especially when it's people I can relate to (e. g., I'm a youngster that loves physical activity, so OutSports.com works very well for me).

At the end of the day, sleeping with the same sex is not even that interesting. The worst it appears to do is make you less likely to pop out a baby. I mean — it's not such a big deal. I think this is "how to get rid of this" in a nutshell. Just think about what would be so terrible about that... And realise that all those deep fears are irrational.

Oh, and I almost forget about religion. I've only truly started accepting that being gay is compatible with happiness when I realised that I don't believe in a God who cares where I put my dick into. The fact that the Bible played a role in how I was raised was not a good thing. Being nonreligious is not a must for self-acceptance, but you certainly can't believe that being you is going to send you to hell.

 

P. S.: Given your age, you'll probably find the "Later in life" forum much more relevant than advice coming from someone like me. I mean that I'm 25, so I know nothing about life. :/

 

You're welcome!

As long as you keep in mind that I'm half your age and that I've never done anything remotely sexual or romantic with anyone, I'm glad to (attempt to) help.

Guter Sonntag auch für dich! ^^

 

To be honest, while I respect it, I don't agree with his assessment on the matter. To do so seems to invalidate asexual and aromantic people, but more than that, I feel attraction is pretty nuanced for the rest of us as well. The level of attraction I have from person-to-person (male or female) varies.

I can think, "That person's attractive", yet not have an emotional or sexual attraction to them. It's completely surface level, in this case.

I can find someone incredibly attractive, experience a physical and/or sexual draw to them, yet still not feel anything emotionally. That said, if their personality rubs me the wrong way, the physical attraction may lessen as a result (or more likely, be suppressed by my annoyance/disappointment in the person).

Conversely, I can be emotionally attached to someone, yet not feel anything for them physically--though to be fair, in this case, "emotionally" is not the same as "romantically".

Romantic feelings, as I understand them, can be an emotional and physical desire for a person--but that physical draw isn't always sexual in nature. After all, intimacy isn't strictly sex or sexual acts: it can be holding hands. It can be deep, meaningful conversations. It can be a sense of safety and security, of seeing someone, flaws and all, and still wanting to be with them.

*Shrug* But, that's merely my take on things. I'm not saying either interpretation is wrong or right; just that I don't believe in "all or nothing" where attraction is concerned.

Anyway, I hope this has been of some help. ^^

 

Looking at both of these categories, my impression remains that you're probably bisexual. It might not be an even split (it seldom is), and I think there's more at work than your orientation alone--such as how you get bored with women once you enter a relationship. I don't think it's related to your orientation itself, but it could be creating more confusion.

The only thing you can do now is sort things out for yourself. Remember, gay, bi, or straight, there's no shame in your orientation.

 

No problem. I've never had the opportunity to be with another woman (as I came out long after entering into my relationship with my husband), but yes, my reaction to men and women I'm attracted to is the same. I find in terms of types, I'm pickier when it comes to men than women (though there's still a spectrum of men I find attractive.)

 

Hi again, Case121. This time, I'm going to bit slightly "harsh" because I feel that you need to see things from a different perspective. But, even if I disagree with you, know that I mean well!

So... First of all, I want to reiterate a couple of things I told you elsewhere.

To me, some part of you seems to be "wanting" to be non-straight. As I said in the other thread, no sexual orientation will provide easy answers to complex questions, such as unhappiness, commitment issues, depression, anxiety, obsessive thoughts... No magic wand will solve those if you have them.

As they say... Sometimes you have to listen to yourself. Why are you removing being straight from your options? Under "Being Bi" you basically justify your attraction to women. Plus, when you dropped by my thread you literally said that you "slept with more than 300 girls and most of these experiences were exciting and hot" and that you don't feel "real sexual attraction" towards men...

Imagine that I joined EC, wrote that I've done 300 dudes and 0 women, and that I don't feel sexual attraction towards girls at all. Then imagine that I assumed that I'm either straight or bi. Would that make a lot of sense from an external observer's point of view? Or would it look like a prosecutor pushing it too hard to try to get a "gay" verdict with very weak evidence?

I'm going to forget about items 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 16, 17, 19, 21. I don't think you can't use any of them to infer you aren't straight. However, a few of them look like a by-product of questioning, but questioning means nothing per se.

I daresay that 2, 3, 14 are probably not relevant, either.

1, 18, 20 might (or might not) indicate something, but they are extremely inconclusive by themselves. However, my feeling is that they come from a misinterpretation on your side (your mind playing games with you), considering other things you've posted.

Okay, the items 1 and 8 above are more than enough. We can even forget about everything else you've posted on EC. And if we add items 2-7 and 9-11, and also what you've posted elsewhere, we have mounting evidence of you being straight.

This is no unhappy ending. There's no shame in questioning and (probably) being straight. The alternative, forcing yourself to accept something you're not, is way worse.

I want to insist, once more, on this... You said you regretted not having attended a therapist when you were younger because there were issues you needed to address, that are still unsolved. It can do you no harm. Please, give it a try. Your problems appear to be way more profound than what EC by itself can do for you.

One final remark... You seem to be overusing this site. I know online communities like this are an easy way to generate some dopamine, BUT logging in too often is not a good idea for someone that has dealt for decades with intrusive, obsessive thoughts about his sexuality. If I were you, I'd try to "sober up" and by no means log in several days in a row. And I'd try to force myself to devote more time to hobbies or social interactions that don't require a screen.


I know that you might not have wanted me to tell you some of these things, but I think they will be good for you in the long run. Please, take care.