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When is it time to end a friendship...?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by mlansing, May 17, 2020.

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  1. mlansing

    mlansing
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    My friend from high school and I have been friends for a little over 20 years now. We used to be bound at the hip, always hanging out whether in person or online, always laughing and having a good time. Over the past 5 years or so things have been different. He's struggled with medical school debt and finding a job, and that has caused him to become contentious even to the point that I've felt bullied by him at times.

    Also, I came out about 5 years ago, and things haven't quite been the same since. I don't feel deep down that he's comfortable with me being gay, although he wouldn't say that out loud. I feel that he wants things to stay exactly as they were before, but I'm just not in that place anymore. The thing is, I'm ok with us drifting apart and not interacting regularly, but he is usually the one to initiate hanging out and I feel compelled to oblige because we are friends but it honestly is wearing on me.

    I feel these days that we are at our best when in a group dynamic, but our one-on-one interactions have been draining me. I don't really feel fully comfortable or like my true self around him, even though we do still have fun together. About a week ago he started blowing up my phone with texts about some ridiculous topic and it really kind of pushed me over the edge. I just felt that I can't keep expending energy on someone who I don't feel fully respected by, but walking away feels like it would be difficult to do.

    Has anyone been in a similar situation? I'm not sure if I really even want to discuss what bothers me with him because I have brought things up before but in the big picture I just feel that maybe we've outgrown each other. I think he probably feels that way too on some level, but instead of just letting us drift apart amicably he insists that we keep on hanging out one-on-one perhaps in the hopes that things could return to how they were before.

    I guess I'm just not sure how to move forward. I don't know if I want to lose him completely, but I also feel that life is too short to have to constantly worry and fret about a relationship/friendship that perhaps has simply run its course. I appreciate any thoughts or feedback.
     
    #1 mlansing, May 17, 2020
  2. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    If you don’t want to meet up with him, then don’t meet up with him. Just tell him that you’re not available. So, you could meet less frequently or not at all. Just because he’s insisting doesn’t mean you have to say yes.

    Similar with the text messages, either reply when it suits you or ignore the ones you have no interest in. So, only reply where you want to.
     
    #2 LostInDaydreams, May 17, 2020
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  3. Ram90

    Ram90
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    I've had this happen with a friend a few years ago. We were classmates who became buddies during High School and that continued even throughout college. He didn't have a lot of other friends and I didn't either, so we kinda stuck together. But it got tiring when we continued being friends even after college and weren't even in the same city/country. Despite being half-way around the world, he would text me at his convenient time and insist we speak on the phone, even though it would be the middle of the night for me. And given that he was in a different country, away from his family, most of the time the phone calls would be him crying or cribbing/bitching about his problem with people and his difficulties with roommates, with his college courses and later on his job searches and prospects.

    I put up with it for 2 years, but then couldn't take it anymore, when he started using me to feel better. Basically since he couldn't yell at anyone else there, he would call me and let out his irritation and anger, which I was willing to put up with at first, since as a friend I understood his frustration, but there was only so much baggage I could carry and I had no obligation to keep listening to his "bullshit". So I cracked one day and told him that I was his friend, not an anger soundboard for him to overload on. He did protest, saying that I was supposed to be supportive, I was living among family and friends and he was all alone in a foreign country. But I called "bullshit" since going to another country to study was his idea in the first place. I blocked his number, block him on social media and never looked back.

    Apologies for the essay, but long story short, you need to decide if you'd want to continue putting up with your friend's antics or not. As a human, you're entitled to your space and sanity, you don't need to put up with someone else's issues, problems and complaints. So make it clear to your friend that you aren't in a position to deal with him anymore. Though since you did say you have common friends (I believe?), if cutting him out would be problematic in the group dynamic, maybe you should make it clear to the other friends in the group as well, when you're cutting this friend out of your life, to avoid any blowback or false information being passed around your group.
     
    #3 Ram90, May 19, 2020
  4. mlansing

    mlansing
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    Thanks very much, I appreciate the feedback. I have felt the exact same way you describe, as a sounding board for his discontent. In the past year or so things improved a bit because he got into a relationship and he switched career paths, but this most recent text interaction just brought back all of that hurt and stress.

    Also, when we do hang out we always end up doing things he wants, and he has no issue with canceling plans on me or showing up late. I'll talk about things I want to do or ideas I have and he recommends something and then gets mad if I don't do it even though it was his idea in the first place and I never agreed to it. I just feel disrespected and undervalued, and I feel it's time to create space between us.

    As far as mutual friends, it's really only one friend and we only hang out the three of us about once a year, so I am not too concerned about that. Like I was saying earlier, I think group situations every now and then can still work for us, but one-on-one will have to take a back seat. I will always love him as a person, but I'm going to need to create some distance for my own peace of mind. Thanks again.
     
    #4 mlansing, May 20, 2020
  5. Tightrope

    Tightrope
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    I didn't realize I had a rule about this but, when I look back, I seem to. It's the three strikes rule.

    For practically all of my long-term friendships that ended, I can think of three major trespasses where the last one was the last straw. With one good friend, strike 1 was in 2001 and strike 3 was in 2012. We were friends long before 2001. His life got messier - mostly with money matters - and some of that stress came my way.

    I wish we were still friends. However, it's better that we're not. You should probably do the same thing - visualize what going forward looks like without this friend, and with this friend. Pick which is better, as long as you are realistic about the benefits and drawbacks of this friendship. If this person's behavior toward you has a pattern of abusiveness, I would be more inclined to end the friendship.
     
    #5 Tightrope, May 20, 2020
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