ROCD, coming out as a lesbian and still loving my boyfriend

I am a female in early twenties, my boyfriend is of the same age. I've dated people before, but this is my first serious relationship.
I'm attracted to woman and kind of knew this for all my life, just never was into dating girls. Even though they are lovely, beautiful and my heart is beating fast around them I have always dated or crushed on people of the opposite gender. And, eventually, came out to my boyfriend- my sexuality doesn't match my dating preference. I'm not bisexual and we clearly understand that.

For some time before that I started experiencing severe relationship obsessive compulsive disorder, with stomach knots and tachycardia, not being able to eat anything for a while etc. (Anxiety, ROCD and depression were always there, thanks to having a mother with narcissistic personality disorder.) One day I woke up with the Idea that "what if I do not love him, what should I do? If I'm attracted to woman, it means I can't be with him?" and other "what if's". But it was no realization of sexuality, I knew I am attracted to girls. And I also know that I dearly love my man, and this feeling is deep and persistent throughout my thoughts. I want to settle down with this person.

When I came out to my boyfriend as lesbian, he was extremely supportive and understanding. He understood that he is my choice first and foremost, and our relationship flourishing is my biggest priority. Saying "relationship is a choice" is a controversial thing in LGBTQ community, but in this case it is literally true. Honeymoon stage is over, yet we connect. We connect through music, games, views on life and our future; respect and desire to understand each other is immense. I have panic attacks in relation to ROCD and he is patient and full of compassion. He deserves the world.
I admire girls and check them out, and sometimes wonder what if I loved a woman instead of him... Would it be different? Panick starts, and I feel incapacitated, trying to find relief for this obsession.
If talking about intimacy, I look at woman getting on, find them pretty and beautiful but at the same time love him. Want to cuddle, kiss him, see his face in the morning, hug him and even have sex. I've never enjoyed sex with a man or found male body attractive to this extent. Although I'm not nearly as aroused as when thinking or looking at females I do enjoy this activity myself, not to satisfy him.

I learned how to treat the ideas coming up in my mind, and now I'm trying to implement these techniques into action. But, the thing is, I still feel this hard hitting anxiety. Having ROCD is complicated, it takes over everything you hold dear and makes it painful. It makes you doubt, overanalyze, seek relief over and over again. But having complicated type of sexuality makes is even nastier. Your thoughts are preoccupied not only with "should I leave my partner", "looking at other people on the street is cheating" or " do I find them attractive enough" but with your sexuality and questions that arise from that... The brain is trying to grasp whatever it can, but it's innocent and doesn't know better. Some days you feel good, other days you are paralyzed by inner pain and anxiety. There is no pill or fast way to feel better. Yesterday I was feeling good, today I felt horrible and went on another compulsive rampage. It just works like that.

 

I do not feel the same thing for men as I do for women, in sexual and romantic sphere. Both me and my boyfriend are aware of that. When you feel attraction you know how it feels, and in a romantic way I'm attracted to my boyfriend only. I understand that with woman it's not the same, plus my OCD is acting up.