one thing stopping me from identifying as a lesbian....

I'm planning on coming out tomorrow (May 15), but I have some lingering doubts. I should have posted this months ago as this has been stopping me from identifying as a lesbian for some time, but was too awkward to be direct.

I am only attracted to guys in one way; automatic arousal (sorry if that's a bit TMI?). It's superficial but annoyingly persistent. I say automatic because it's like my brain registers a conventionally attractive guy and my body reacts, often before I've even got the chance to do more than glance at a blurry shape.

A lot of them look like the typical guy that straight girls probably like, to be honest. It almost always happens with guys on TV (the only guys it's happened with in real life are with 1-2 adult/s that I know irl which is very embarrassing to admit even to myself).

I've also noticed a pattern in which someone will point out an attractive feature in a guy and I will henceforth experience this automatic arousal to similar people. E.g I was watching Sherlock, and I wasn't attracted to any of the characters at all, until I read YouTube comments talking about how attractive Benedict Cumberbatch is and bam! immediately, I experienced automatic arousal when I saw him in Sherlock, even though I don't even really find him particularly objectively attractive? it's very strange.

I'd call this arousal nonconcordance (as I've felt it in other situations where I'd identify it as such), but I just think it's a bit weird that it shows up when I see a certain type of guy, even if it is the typical type of guy I think society would expect me to find attractive. On a subjective/emotional level, I hate it, it makes me really uncomfortable and wish it would leave.

I tried identifying as bi as a result of all this but felt like I was lying - sometimes, I almost found that when I accepted the feeling it seemed to dissipate somewhat? either way, I couldn't relate much to bi girls talking about their attraction to guys. It also bothers me a little since I don't really experience this with girls as far as I can recall, but I experience deeper/other sorts of attraction to girls, so... I don't think I want to do anything with guys, I very rarely fantasise about them and the depth/emotional draw or rush of my attraction to girls just isn't there at all.

I hope this isn't too long, and I'm sorry for posting so much on here, lol. : P I know nobody can tell me what my sexuality is or what labels to use - I guess I just wanted to know if any lesbians, or indeed bisexuals, had experienced this and if it was normal.

 

It's good to know this kind of thing is normal, because I haven't really heard other people talk about it very much. Actually, I get what you mean about the 'hottest celebs ever' list because I remember one occasion in which my friends showed me a list of 'hot male celebs' (lol) and I remember not feeling anything about any of them, but I think if I saw that list again I might think they were 'hot' because of what you mentioned. Thanks for your reply! : )

I can relate to pretty much everything you've said here, it's good to know it's a common experience for gay women. From what you've said I think I am a lesbian after all, as I never really feel a 'draw' to these guys or want to be with them. I think a lot of this is probably related to the fact that since I'm not necessarily disgusted by the idea of being with guys, it can be hard to tell whether there is an absence of attraction (though I did think I was asexual until I found out how lesbian sex worked, because my only reference was straight sex). Thanks so much for replying! : )

 

That makes sense, thanks for your reply : ) The thing is it sometimes/often feels right, but sometimes I lose sense of my sexuality or which label is right I guess. Unless I decided to come out without labels (which I think I would find it hard to do without it sounding clumsy), I think at this point I will probably say I'm a lesbian, but add a caveat about not being 110% sure (while emphasising that I'm still fairly sure but it's mostly because I lack relationship experience/etc) and maybe explain a bit about heteronormativity (which to be honest I've probably at least briefly mentioned to them at some point already, since I've been a lot less careful about hiding my interest in lgbt+ issues since last June).

I nearly came out to (the rest of - one sibling already knows) my family yesterday as a lesbian; I was really scared (even though I know they're pro-lgbt+ etc) and had been psyching myself up for it, but I kept missing what would have been the right moments to say it, and that stressed me out so I think I'll give myself a day or so to calm down from that in order to disentangle coming out-related stress from label-related stress, if that's a thing lol.

I've also realised I have more internalised homophobia than I thought; in February or so, I thought I was bi and had somehow been repressing my 'attraction to boys' due to a desire to fit in with the lgbt+ community (since biphobia can be an issue), but now I think it was the other way around, that I sometimes repress my attraction to girls? or at least, I sometimes catch myself thinking things like: 'it would be so weird if I didn't like any boys at all', 'I'm supposed to like boys, that's normal' etc, so I think a large part of this also has to do with not letting go of heteronormative ideals and having internalised homophobia, unfortunately.

 

It's good to know that other people can also doubt themselves when coming out. I definitely feel better about not being completely confident in my sexuality 100% of the time/being worried about getting it wrong and can pretty much relate to everything you've said here, especially about the internalised homophobia. Thanks for the advice, you've really helped me a lot : )