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The boy I loved has come back to me

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by quebec, Apr 22, 2020.

  1. quebec

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    Those of you who may have read my posts know about Tim. A quick review: When I started college I met a boy named Tim. We were pretty much inseparable for about two years. Had it been today I really think we would have married. He became ill and when his parents found out about us they refused to let me see him again. That last time I came to see him they met me at the door and told me to get to "Get my faggot ass off their property". Shortly after that he passed away. I never saw him again and I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral...I don't know where he was buried. OK...that was the short version of a time in my life that totally devastated me. I went into a deep depression. In order to survive I did my best to forget those two years. I succeed all too well and did actually bury those memories...completely. In 2014, after decades of deepening depression and self-hate, I finally accepted that I was and always had been gay. In 2017 I started having very strange, erotic dreams that seemed very real. After a month of this I came to understand that they weren't dreams, they were memories. At the time I thought that I had never been with another guy in any way. The memories said otherwise...and I started to remember Tim. It was actually kind of exciting as I remembered being myself, being completely out and being with a boy that I truly did love! Then one night I remembered what happened to Tim and what his parents said and did. For the second time I was devastated. But this time I had all of YOU here on Empty Closets and I had an incredible therapist. This time I made it through the bad time and now I look back at the time that I had with Tim as a happy time that I'm glad I had. Last week a friend of mine asked me about some photos of when I was younger. I scanned and sent him a few. Then last night I thought about my freshman year of college and some good pics of me in the college yearbook. I didn't have a copy but wondered if the college had put their yearbooks on line. I checked and they had. I found the two pics of me and copied them and then I suddenly thought that just maybe there was also a photo of Tim in the yearbook. THERE WAS! For the first time since 1970...50 years, I saw Tim's face. To say I broke down into tears is an understatement. It was a kind of a strange melancholy/happy emotion. I felt like I had just had a piece of my life returned to me. Now I don't just remember Tim...I can look at his face once again and think of the time we had together. I really do feel like the boy I loved has come back to me.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #1 quebec, Apr 22, 2020
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2020
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  2. Chip

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    What an amazing, wonderful, healing story! I'm so glad this has been such a positive experience for you! And especially thanks for sharing it. :slight_smile:
     
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  3. Destin

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    That's fantastic! It's amazing how such seemingly small things like that from so long ago can be so important later on.

    Really happy for you :slight_smile:
     
    #3 Destin, Apr 23, 2020
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2020
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  4. DMals80

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    That's awesome, good for you!
     
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  5. MapleCross

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    I am glad that you worked with a good therapist. It can make all the difference in deep inner healing. How great it is for you now to have a photo of Tim that you can look at and bring back so many good memories. Well done
     
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  6. DecentOne

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    David, I’m so glad you got Tim back, and yourself too!
     
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  7. brainwashed

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    FYI, the pain is/will be ultimately on them. Hate, pain stays with a person and degrades their life.

    From time to time I look at my two high school year books - junior, and senior. I look at the faces of the two primary guys I had a crush on. It feels good to look at their faces.
     
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  8. NotTooLoud

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    Your story made me cry!!!
     
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  9. quebec

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    To all of you.....Thank you so much for your kind words and support. It means so much to me to see Tim's face again. Every once in a while I will have another dream and remember something else about him, or something that we did. Two days ago while I was awake and just kind of day-dreaming...for the first time...I remembered playing tennis with Tim. I've never remembered anything about Tim or those two years before that wasn't in a dream. I am so excited that more memories of Tim will come to me...that the parts of those two years that are still "lost" will come back! @NotTooLoud...I cry too! I cry for happiness! I'll be 70 this year and I've been married to a wonderful woman for 42 years in July. I have come out to her and we have chosen to stay together. I have a wonderful family of three sons and eight grandkids all of whom I love very much. I know now that only tragedy could allow me to have a relationship with another guy at this point in my life. But Tim has truly been given back to me. I have so much to be thankful for that I have no desire at all to look for any thing else.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  10. Mirko

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    Thank you for sharing this part of your life David with us. An emotionally filled story, yet one that also keeps a special person in your heart.
     
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  11. Adz6

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    David,
    I have a tear in my eye as I read your two posts
    Adrian
     
  12. Lgbtqpride

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    Are you bisexual?
     
  13. quebec

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    Lgbtqpride..... No, I'm not bisexual, I'm gay. However, like a lot of guys in my generation, we ended up married to a women as we didn't know what else to do. In my case it was due in a large part to turning my back on my relationship with Tim as it was too painful to endure. I was just talking about this with my therapist this morning. I commented that I thought that it was certainly possible for the orientation of someone to alter during their life. I don't mean from homosexual to heterosexual, etc. but from one degree of, in my case, homosexuality, to another degree of the same orientation. When I married my wife I was gay...but not a 5 on the Kinsey scale gay. Maybe a 3.5 or a 4. Over the years that gradually has changed so that now I'm a pretty solid 5 on the scale. During my time with Tim I was probably a 4.5 or a 5, but the emotional trauma that I went through changed that. I'm certainly not an expert in the field of human sexuality...I can only speak of my own experience...and at times I have been a real mess! :old_smile: I'm happy that I am more stable now than I've been for most of my life. I know who I really am and accept myself far more than I ever have before with the exception of the two years that I was with Tim. I hope all of this makes some sense!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  14. Lgbtqpride

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    I hope your sons and grandkids will support you too. I hope they are not homophobic.
     
  15. Maldoone

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    Oh David. I picked up your conversation in Adrian's string, and went to look for your story about Tim. I don't know what to say but I'm was very happy to hear that you found a photo. I was looking recently for pictures in old school photo graphs for someone special and found fuzzy renditions of the face I sought. I've tried sometimes over the years to find him, but never had any luck. 42 years since and I can see, like you, that had the world been in 1978, as it is now, things may have turned out very differently. Ah, but.
    Ken
     
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  16. NotTooLoud

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    It's never too late, Ken.

    I feel very strongly that I would have taken my own life (something my former wife encouraged) if I had not left when I did, so I am living on some sort of heavenly (for lack of a better word) extension. Having been given this gift, I am not going to deny myself anything I really want.