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Sex after Sexual Assault - Advice Wanted

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by ConfusedBiGirl, May 11, 2020.

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  1. ConfusedBiGirl

    ConfusedBiGirl
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I have a terrible habit of needing validation and confirmation from other people, I can never trust my own thoughts and feelings. I do have a rational thought process but my emotions never listen to it, I always need it to come from someone else, even if they say exactly what I was thinking, because then I will trust it must be true. So, I am just looking for a bit of advice or peoples thoughts on my situation, if anyone can spare a minute. It is so appreciated.

    I am not going to go into details with regards to my assault but it happened in January of 2018 and I still have an unhealthy relationship with sex. I think that it's partly because of my assault and partly down to having low self-esteem, but I also think some of my self-esteem issues come from being assaulted. It is all just a big confusing, tangled web of issues.

    Ultimately, I am terrified of sex. Firstly, I have vaginismus as a result of the assault and secondly, I am scared of anyone seeing me naked because I hate my body, I hate everything about myself really. I have been in quite a few situations since my assault where sex has been on the table and even when I've been attracted to the personal (which is relatively rare for me) I have just been too scared to go through with it. One second I am into it and the next I am reverting back to being the scared 18 year old I was when I got assaulted and/or I am scared they will see me naked and be repulsed (which is where the low self-esteem comes in). There's been times I really wanted to have sex but I think I've put too much pressure on it and that's why I can't go through with it in the end.

    When I do next have sex I want to tell the person that I was sexually assaulted and that I haven't had sex with anyone since, but I am worried that is too much to drop on someone. I am not saying I want to have a serious relationship with that person, it can still just be casual sex (in fact, I'd love to feel free enough to have casual sex), I just think I need to make them aware for myself to feel more comfortable, but I understand why anyone would find that too intense or they might think I am weird and needy for sharing something so personal. I need to disclose it for my own sanity so that I feel like there are boundaries and a conversation about what makes me feel safe.

    Anyway, I easily find myself rambling about this topic because it is so confusing and difficult for me but the general idea is that sex is scary to me, I just want to have a healthy sex life because right now I feel trapped and alone. Does anyone have any wise thoughts or advice on the situation? I feel so scared and confused, I just need to know this all makes sense and I am not crazy.

    Thank you so much if you've read this mess, I appreciate it more than you could know.
     
    #1 ConfusedBiGirl, May 11, 2020
  2. Chaosbi

    Chaosbi
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
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    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
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    Out to everyone
    All I can really tell you is to have full communication with your partner. My wife is a sexual assault victim as well and there are only certain things and areas that I'm allowed to touch or do when we have sex. However, I would never know any of this if we hadn't sat down and had a conversation about it before hand. There's also a lot of conversing during sex because what I could do the night before may not be something she wants or feels comfortable doing this time around. So the best advice I can give you is talk things out with your partner. I'm not going to lie and tell you that everyone will be cool with it because some might feel it's too much pressure or that they just want a quick and easy kind of thing, but if they're understanding then they will accommodate and go slow.

    As for the self-esteem issue, all I can really tell you is to do what you feel comfortable doing. I have huge self-esteem issues and to add to that I have a fear of being touch (so much so that I get anxious hugging my own family). My wife understood this, because again we talked about it, and she allowed me to control the speed of our relationship. As for sex, it took me a long time to get naked in front of her and I only did it when I was ready to (for like the first year to year and a half we only had sex with me being fully dressed, strange but true.). We've been together fourteen years and to this day I'm still not comfortable with the lights on or taking my shirt off when we do have sex.

    So the best thing I can think of telling you is to talk things over and out with your potential partner, even if it's just a one time thing. Plus, don't feel pressured into doing something you might regret later.
     
    #2 Chaosbi, May 12, 2020
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