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Grief

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Marble Jar, Apr 17, 2020.

  1. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    I don't know if this is the right place to post this but 'chit chat' seemed inappropriate...

    I lost someone very important to me about 2 years ago and i'm not feeling any better about it yet. At the time, people kept saying to me that the first year will be the worst, but honestly, the second wasn't an improvement.

    I'm starting to realise that since i will miss him for the rest of my life, then i will probably feel like this forever. And that's a scary thought.

    Anyone have any wisdom to offer on this topic?
     
  2. DecentOne

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    I’ve heard (and repeated to others) that big decisions should not be made in the first year. That is probably along the lines that the first year of grief is something that keeps folks from seeing the big picture.

    In my own experience the grief isn’t gone, just not so close up to me that I can’t see around it. Death is one grief, lost love is another. In both cases it took time. At first maybe I couldn’t tell that time was a part of the process of the grief being less dominant. But grief did fill up less of my life and outlook over time.

    If your grief is just as dominant in your life as it was two years ago, then I’d suggest seeking a grief group or individual therapy if there are not groups near you. Sometimes it helps to be talking with others about what is so present in our hearts and thoughts.

    My heart goes out to you.
     
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  3. bingostring

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    Grief works differently for different people. I don’t think “a year” is anything to go by.
    If it is ever present, maybe you need more time that’s all. But if you are noticing it a lot, and it is interfering with daily thoughts, you could possibly do with some grief counselling (you may get free through your doctor) or you could include it in the scope of some general therapy - have you ever considered that?
     
    #3 bingostring, Apr 17, 2020
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2020
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  4. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    Yeah that makes sense, i wouldn't have trusted myself to make any big decisions at that point.

    That's true, perhaps it is actually improving, just incredibly slowly so i've not noticed.

    Yes, maybe i should look into that once the lock-down is lifted.

    Thanks DecentOne.
     
  5. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    Ok, that's true, it's not really that long in the grand scheme of things.

    I've not ever tried therapy before but even if it only helped a bit, it is probably worth a try.

    Thanks for your suggestions.
     
  6. HM03

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    I completely agree with @bingostring , if it's a getting into your daily thoughts then maybe some sort of therapy would be beneficial.

    Between the "pre-grieving" (aka terminal diagnosis) and grieving after they passed, I truly didn't feel on my feet for 2 years. And certain time periods within those 2 years were somehow absolutely amazing and the worst time of my life, and I don't even know how to describe how different things happening at the same cause cause you to feel opposite emotions at the same time. Grief doesn't have a perfectly linear start or end (or end at all ahaha).

    Yeah, you probably will miss him forever. The people we love and have a profound impact on us, we'll always miss. I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing - who wants to be forgotten once we are gone?

    But I hope you don't "feel like this forever". People tend to give sympathy and be by yourside for the first little bit, but that doesn't mean that you should have move forward months after. Hopefully with time the daily pains fade. But things like birthdays, deathdays, other big days, and things that trigger memories will probably always give us a twang of nostalgic pain.

    I'll leave you with one of my favourite TedTalks.

     
  7. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts on that. That's true, i wouldn't want to stop missing him. Yeah, people are sympathetic to begin with but then it seems like a long time ago to them and they feel confused that i still want to talk about him.

    Wow, that TedTalk was incredible. That was such a good description of how it feels. What an amazing speaker. Thanks so much for finding that.
     
  8. Joelle b

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    I lost a sibling two years ago, and it’s still hell. I miss her so much and I know I never will not miss her. I think of her every day, especially when I see others with their little sisters when I am out. My good friend also committed suicide and that was hell. And there is no dead line on grief, one day you will feel better, but that can take years or just another week. I think the one things is just admitting that you have lost that person and that they are gone. I denied my sister’s death for a while, until I broke down really badly and I cried more then I had at her burial. But I am getting better, and she’s been gone a bit over two years, and I still feel sad, but it’s not as bad anymore. I hope you get better someday soon.
     
  9. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    I'm so sorry to hear about both your losses. That must be awful.

    I think that's good advice. Most of the time i'm too scared to even think that i will never see him again, but that probably doesn't help me process it.

    Yeah, i can understand that. I didn't feel i could cry at the time as i was just numb.

    I'm glad to hear you are getting a bit better now though. Thanks for your lovely message Roura.
     
  10. Joelle b

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    Yah, life can change so much when you lose someone close to you. I hope you feel a bit happier soon. Your welcome❤️
     
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