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Is it bad to come out to people in a message?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by dirtyshirt84, May 9, 2020.

  1. dirtyshirt84

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    I’m Bi and out to a few people but there are several more people in my life I’d like to come out to. I’d prefer not to make it a big deal. So for people that have been out for a while - do you think it is bad to come out to people via messenger/Instagram/WhatsApp etc? Or would it always be better in person?
     
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  2. Ram90

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    It's not bad at all. I came out to two of my friends over facebook messenger, because we lived in different countries. While it wasn't random, I re-connected with them, generally chatted with them and then came out after a few days. But that's alright even if you want to send a whatsapp message. You need to feel comfortable coming out. So if you're comfortable doing it in a message, there is no problem at all. :slight_smile:
     
  3. BiGemini87

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    I don't think it's bad at all. To save myself the time of telling each individual I know in-person, I made a post on a certain social media site (I did it on another site the year before, but none of the people I know IRL follow me on it, so following it up a year later on this site seemed necessary). Barring anyone who missed it because it didn't pop up on their timeline, everyone knows. Anyone not on said site has likely missed it, including my in-laws and any of their family not on my friend list.

    I think, when it comes to in-person telling, the only people that matter are the ones you choose to tell in person; such as a partner, a close friend, or whatever. :slight_smile:
     
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  4. HM03

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    Honestly, whatever helps you get your foot out of that closet. Very few of my early coming outs were in person.
     
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  5. Joelle b

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    I feel like a message is easier for the person coming out. I would have preferred to do it that way. It brings on less emotional toll and is less stressful. The one down side is that sometimes the other side could lie about how they feel, or you don’t get to understand them completely. I think a text and then a talk a bit after. If you need to do a phone call even, so it’s just not fave to face, then do that if you need. What ever you feel like is most comfortable. It doesn’t matter about the other person because this is you coming out.
     
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  6. dano218

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    I don't think it is a bad idea at all. You cannot always see everyone in person or you may not find the right time when you see that someone to come out to them in person.
     
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  7. silverhalo

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    Its your info so whatever works for you I think. I certainly came out to some people via message.
     
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  8. SkylarStar

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    It’s completely fine! Yeah, when I come out I’m planning to use an email I wrote. I came out to my friends by text, too. It’s hard to say something like that face-to-face, and I get it. You should maybe call them after. But am I too late? You probably already did it lol.
     
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  9. solarcat

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    I don't see a problem with this. I came out to my sister as gay via email. Later I told her I was trans via text, and she lives just a few houses down from me now, basically saying "hey, I need to tell you I'm trans, so come on over and we can talk about it".
     
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  10. La Corbeau

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    I don't see anything wrong with coming out via message, if you want to do it casually.
     
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  11. Revive

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    I agree to everything said before. I personally have come out to people by text as well. I found it hard to tell some people, especially those who I didn't see/talk to (without others being around). But I understand your doubts. To me it was very important to tell my best friends and my parents in person, because I wanted to know how they reacted and also for them to see how I felt about it.
     
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  12. Vesta

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    Do what you feel most comfortable with.

    When I wanted to fully come out, I just wrote a huge essay of a message on Facebook, hit Post, and there it went. I received a lot of Likes for it. Everybody knew, no one said anything bad. All was well.

    A year later I came out to a couple of family members via email and it went very well.

    Personal experiences aside, I think coming out via text etc can help a person deal with a lot of anxieties they may feel, as opposed to doing it face to face. While it my come across less personal, it's definitely a good way of putting any anxieties to rest, because you're not lumbered with reactions. Plus if you want to come out to multiple people, it certainly does save time because it's not spent with you repeating yourself.
     
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  13. LaurenSkye

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    If it's someone close to you, I think it's best if you do it either in person, over the phone, or by video chat (such as Skype). At the very least, it should be a personal text to those people, not a group text.
     
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  14. Phoenix92

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    It really depends on how comfortable you are about it.

    I came out as trans mostly via text format.
    With work, I essentially came out with my email requesting a meeting to discuss a “major life change”.
    With a couple FB groups, I came out in a post.
    My family I came out with texts.

    A couple of people I told directly, one of whom confirmed that she was alike and getting her surgery soon.
    Another person I told directly his initial thoughts when I said “I’ve got something important to tell you” was “oh crap, she needs bail”(yes, some people did use She/her pronouns with me before my coming out).


    Sorry, I’m being long winded:
    Most of my coming out was text based, because even though I had accepted myself as trans, it did take a little time before I could actually say it. And even then it was “Transgender.”
    Back in March, while I was out at a museum with my sister and her then girlfriend, it suddenly slipped out as “Transsexual.”
     
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  15. musicteach

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    If that’s what you’re comfortable with, go for it. Personally I don’t really think coming out should be a big deal. I certainly don’t deny it, but I don’t advertise it, either. It’s just a thing. My fiancé goes with me to school events and most people at school either have figured it out, have been told, or at least suspect. Although there is the occasion that new staff members who don’t know me will assume I’m straight but.
     
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  16. Joe Ray

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    I'll say it's not ideal, but totally acceptable if that's what makes you most comfortable. There are some circumstances where coming out in person is actually bad, such as if you suspect they'll respond aggressively. But if you're confident they'll be accepting, I feel like telling them in person opens up conversations about it in the future, while text can kind of be swept under the rug.
     
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  17. chicodeoro

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    I came out to a friend whom I thought I trusted this week via email. I sent it on Tuesday. She still hasn't responded.

    Not feeling good about it...

    Beth
     
  18. LostInDaydreams

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    I’m sorry to hear that. I expect it’s playing on your mind.

    Have you heard anything over the weekend?
     
  19. chicodeoro

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    Thanks. No, there's been nothing. And I don't know what to do.

    I poured my heart out in this email, revealed something that is absolutely huge and overwhelming to me and there's been...absolute silence.

    I thought I knew this person and that could trust her. We met on the activist scene over here, but I've got a horrible feeling that she might be something of a TERF (or at least have sympathies with that world view).

    Either way I feel really hurt.
    Beth
     
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  20. Chip

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    I get how vulnerable it feels to put yourself out there and get absolutely no response at all. It sucks.

    Are you absolutely certain she received it? These days, a lot of email gets overlooked, goes to spam, or doesn't get delivered at all. You might just resend and say "Hey, I'd appreciate knowing your thoughts".