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How wouldn’t porn be an indicator of your sexuality?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by confused155, Feb 27, 2020.

  1. confused155

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    If you watch 2 people having sex, and it really turns you on and turns you on every time no matter what... How wouldn’t this be an indicator of your sexuality? How wouldn’t fantasizing and watching about the gay sex have a bearing on your sexuality. I know here we say that porn isn’t a reliable indicator of orientation but wouldn’t being very turned on by gay porn consistently be one of the best indicators you can have if you have never actually been with someone of the same sex? And preferring gay porn over straight porn?
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    I think pornography is not the most reliable indicator because it has been specifically designed to turn people on.

    Fantasising requires more mental energy and imagination, so it’s much harder to fantasise about something that you’re not really interested in. It’s less likely to turn you on, so it’s a relatively more reliable indicator.
     
    #2 LostInDaydreams, Feb 27, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2020
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  3. Chip

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    The issue is that it isn't a reliable indicator of sexuality. Here are some examples: About 90% of lesbian porn is produced for a hetero male audience. Many gay men watch straight porn, but focus on the guy in the porn rather than the girl. Some gay men and many lesbian women find zero arousal from any type of porn. And depending on your age, exposure to sexual experiences or to porn, your responses to porn may be overly exaggerated to real-life experiences.

    In fact, there's a good amount of data that shows that porn creates unrealistic expectations and arousal patterns and can be counterproductive to developing healthy sexual arousal with a partner.

    Now... If you watch only gay porn and find it arousing, and watch straight porn and find it not at all arousing, sure, there's some indication that you may be more aroused by the gay porn than by the straight, which might point toward attraction to guys.. But for the reasons stated above and the way in which porn is produced, it will never be a reliable indicator.

    A much more reliable indicator is masturbating without porn and trying out different fantasies. Because the fantasies are triggering your unconscious in a way that watching porn does not, the masturbation-without-porn process is far more reliable.
     
    #3 Chip, Feb 28, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2020
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  4. confused155

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    That makes sense and all, but without porn 9/10 masturbation fantasies for me are women and I will have dreams about sex with women. Porn will be 50% women, 50% gay, depending on the day but it turns me on a lot more than straight porn and I’ll feel like I want to fantasize to the gay porn throughout the day. For me, it seems like when I’m watching the gay porn there is true attraction because of how aroused I get, but I can never think of someone I’ve met that I would actually do any of the things with. Or like a picture of a naked man or him touching himself can’t really get me going either it has to be watching male on male sex otherwise it is boring to me.
     
  5. Chip

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    Then you are very atypical, and this would be something to discuss with a therapist with a specialty in sexual identity.
     
  6. confused155

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    Ya I agree. I think it’s that as a kid I was always scared of being gay, as people would tease everyone. So I really tried to not be and maybe that adds to this eroticism I experience with porn. Anyways, I met up with a guy for the 1st time in my life tonight on an app, and I think I’ve got a clear answer..until I start fantasizing again and go through this process lol. But anyways I let him try to masturbate me etc. and I could not get even close to erect no matter how hard I tried and did not feel like proceeding any further at all. With women, I will be erect in 2 seconds and have no issue at all..so with this experience tonight, it leads me to believe that I am actually completely straight as I literally felt nothing and couldn’t get erect. What are your thoughts chip?
     
  7. Chip

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    So someone who has fantasies constantly about women, decides to hang out with a guy, gets masturbated by him, and felt absolutely no sense of arousal. Is there any possible way that anyone with any common sense could say this person is anything other than straight?

    Spoiler: No.
     
  8. Kelseyk92

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    Well I’m a lesbian and if I watch straight porn I ALWAYS ONLY see myself as the guy with the penis, I don’t get turned on imagining a man banging me lol. Does that mean I’m trans????
     
  9. Chip

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    Disclaimer: I'm in no way an expert on trans issues.

    My thoughts about this are that, absent dysphoria about your sex organs, I'd be inclined to say no. It is quite possible it's simply a desire for dominance. It does sound like you have attraction for women, but at least from what I am hearing, I don't think that alone would point to your being trans. However, I'd defer to someone with greater knowledge of trans issues than I have.
     
  10. Jaimequestions

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    Not entirely. I am a fan of transsexual porn and have fantasized about it many times. One trans performer said it perfectly that fantasy is something that will get you off, but in a real situation you find barriers that you may not want to cross.
     
  11. confused155

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    So even though I couldn’t get turned on, I think there might be some attraction there even though I didn’t feel it in that experience. When I fantasize about being with a man, I’ll sometimes feel almost nothing but then It’s like instinct will take over and I feel like I really want it. Like I said when I watch gay porn I could not be more aroused thinking about having gay sex or taking it up inside of me. So even though in that experience I wasn’t able to get erect, I think there’s a chance I didn’t let myself get to that point of feeling the attraction. I also have never fantasized about being masturbated and it’s always just right to sex so maybe if we tried more I would’ve liked it (because when I watch porn it seems like I really do like it).
     
  12. secretstutter

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    I'm very gay and yet I used to watch gay porn (only guys, no girls), because I hated the way women were portrayed in porn and how demeaning and exaggerated I found it. You've got to remember that, as LostInDaydreams pointed out, porn is designed to turn you on. It's not realistic. If you told me to have sex with a guy in real life, I wouldn't be interested (even though I guess I could try it if it was a really attractive guy, just to see what it's like). And then a lot of women watch lesbian porn and are still straight.

    And I would argue that fantasies aren't always reliable either. Many women fantasise about things they definitely wouldn't want to happen to them in real life (myself included). And since fantasies are just in your head, you can also just erase the things you'd find unpleasant. I can fantasise about having sex with a guy, as long as I don't imagine what he would feel like on top of me or sound like because that's an immediate turn off.

    I just wanted to point out that sex isn't just a penis in a hole, because that's what confused155 made it sound like. If that was the case, some gay women (for example) would be virgins their entire lives. And obviously, you won't like everything you do, but I'd say that you would still feel turned on by the guy. Unless you just didn't find him attractive? Also, not to tell other people what their orientation is, but it seems like you are straight (maybe a bit curious?).
     
  13. confused155

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    Yes I agree with your statement. However with how much I am turned on by the fantasy of having sex with a man, I think there has got to be some validity to that I’m at least bisexual, or homosexual given the fantasies turn me on more than ones with women. I think I want to try being with a guy again because I still have these urges and they always come back. I can’t imagine a straight person would have urges to have gay sex lol. I was able to get turned on reading gay erotica as well (not just porn) and can somewhat get turned on now without porn to gay thoughts although it is waaaay less than with porn. I remember as a kid being extremely homophobic and worrying I could be gay, so wondering if I have had a strong denial I have been holding up. I do however still feel like I want to date a girl and I do still fantasize about women, but I would say the sexual fantasies about women aren’t quite as strong as with men and often involve a kink of doing something taboo or innappropriate (not always though). I’ve heard from many gay people and websites that one of the first signs they were gay was that they were masturbating to gay porn (something that I do). And the thought of giving or receiving turns me on a lot.

    one thing I want to state is I constantly go through phases where I’m convinced I’m gay, or I’m convinced I’m straight. It’s like I have one switch and that’s what I go with. My older brother however came out to me that he is bisexual so I am wondering if maybe I am bisexual as well. Although with how strong my homosexual fantasies are (watching porn, thinking about the fantasies after porn) I think there’s a chance I actually prefer men sexually. However, I guarantee if I write this post in a few weeks, I would tell you that I am likely straight lol. I’m almost having a revelation that my sexuality is somewhat fluid and I’m like bisexual but haven’t explored enough.
     
  14. confused155

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    I’ve also read articles about “signs your husband is gay” and compared the signs in the article to how I was in past relationships with women and I feel like there were potentially some similarities. There were phases where I wasn’t that interested in sex, would mostly get turned on when doing my girlfriend from behind, would drink alcohol a lot and didn’t feel overly passionate (I would let her know I loved her and cared for her, but I’m not sure if I was super passionate. I feel like I would also hook up with girls to prove to myself I’m straight, even though I won’t be overly turned on and the sex will be okay. A lot of my relationship with my ex girlfriend I secretly worried i was gay and wouldn’t want to have sex because I just watched gay porn, felt guilty, and it would feel like a chore after to get an erection unless her ass was somewhat involved. Sometimes during sex too if it’s missionary I will start to go soft and the only thing that will turn me back on is her ass hole (I know that’s weird haha). Have any gay men felt this when they used to hookup with girls?
     
  15. Chip

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    Do you have other thought patterns that border on obsessive/intrusive (on any topic), where you believe or question something and constantly check it? Or other repetitive, compulsive behaviors?
     
    #15 Chip, May 10, 2020
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  16. confused155

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    I would say to a mild extent yes, but nothing major. I am a bit of a hypochondriac with illnesses, etc, but it normally goes away. Are you suspecting that could be what I’m experiencing? The thing that I’m unsure about is that I’m experiencing genuine arousal to these ideas which I thought wouldn’t be ocd but genuine attraction
     
  17. Chip

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    As I said earlier, given the complexity in what you've described, I think you're going to need to talk to a therapist with experience in LGBT issues to get a clear read on this.