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Anyone else on the Autism Spectrum?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Marble Jar, Mar 31, 2020.

  1. Phoenix92

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    I was able to get into treatment for it before the shatko hit the fan and everything shut down.

    I'm fairly certain that the sudden loss of exposure to high energies of students was instrumental in the mania subsiding, as I had been manic from February 6 through April 5.

    One thing I've promised myself once the schools do reopen is I'm not going to mask my Manias, nor any Depressions.

    Though that does bring up an interesting sidebar:
    Growing up, I was diagnosed with both Msjor Depression and ADHD, at the same time. The Anti-depressants didn't really do all that much, in fact they made me feel worse, and the ADHD meds made me feel not normal, but depressed(once I had stopped the Anti-depressants for a worsening of symptoms). At no point during the times I was on the ADHD meds did any of my doctors stop to think "Maybe we should try these meds, considering that they have both these diagnoses"

    Instead, I had to struggle with some very breif undocumented manias between when I went off the ADHD meds(10th grade is when I stopped) interspersed with a large number of depressions. The worst of the which was from June 2017-February 2018, peaking in January. I again masked things as best I could, but my manager at work could tell something was off.
     
  2. Canterpiece

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    I have a thread where I talked about comforting a crying person here which should answer the first question: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/how-do-you-comfort-a-crying-person.482924/.

    Conflict is easier to deal with than comforting others for me, I'm more practised at the former.
     
    #62 Canterpiece, May 5, 2020
    Last edited: May 5, 2020
  3. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    I think you should be proud of yourself for holding down a good job at the same time as dealing with all that.

    Yeah some of my friends haven't had any luck with anti-depressants.

    At least if you decide not to mask in front of the students, they can see what's possible, despite these conditions. So, you can be a great role-model for them. And maybe you will feel a little better too if you aren't tiring yourself out with all the masking.
     
  4. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    Haha i love the gif with the brush. Fantastic.

    Yeah it's impossible to tell how someone wants to be comforted. I have tried patting someone before and got pushed away. And then others i haven't made contact with have felt like i didn't care enough. I guess you just have to ask, but as you say, it's hard to understand someone when they are crying that much.

    I usually go straight to giving advice once i know what the problem is, and it turns out that a lot of people hate that and just want the chance to offload. Someone yelled at me 'Stop trying to fix it!' and i was so confused, because i thought that was the only way i could help them/show i cared/thought it was what people needed when they are upset etc. So, that was a bit of a break-through for my brain.

    How are you at speaking on the phone? I.e knowing when it is your turn in the conversation? And when in a group of people?
     
  5. Canterpiece

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    I am fine with speaking on the phone. Taking turning in a conversation has never been an issue for me.

    However, I do find it difficult to keep track of multiple conversations occurring at once.

    Plus I'm not great at staying focused on conversation in busy environments. For instance, if I were sat in a busy restaurant talking to someone at a table. My attention tends to bounce around the room, not out of boredom, just a lack of focus. I'll tune out without meaning to, I'll hear random parts of different conversations and it can be rather confusing. Sometimes the person I'm talking to will ask me a question and I won't be able to focus to think of a response. I can't think clearly enough. My mind just draws blanks even if it's something I have plenty to say about. So when that happens I usually say something along the lines of "sorry, I'm not ignoring you, I'm just a little overwhelmed, give me a moment" or ask to go somewhere else with them.

    I dislike situations where I'm hanging out with a group of people and there are unrelated sub-conversations going on at the same time so I'm switching between them. Since I lose track of where I was. If things get too confusing, I usually stick to one conversation thread and come back to the others later.

    Hey, I know the conversation has moved on, but before you were asking me about ---, what did you mean by that?
    etc.

    I've lost my cool before in situations where people have asked me unrelated questions all at once in quick succession. That can be overwhelming, especially if you're in the middle of answering a question and someone else buts in with another. I much prefer group hang outs where the conversation is focused in one direction.
     
    #65 Canterpiece, May 6, 2020
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  6. AwesomGaytheist

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    Diagnosed in 2010 at age 15.
     
  7. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    Oh i totally agree with that. If the ambient noise level is high such as in a pub, i can't focus at all on the conversation in front of me. It's really annoying.

    Yeah, i'm not good at multiple topics either. I much prefer to have an in-depth discussion on one thing.

    How easy is it to make you jump? How would you rate your startle reflex?
     
  8. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    Hi, thanks for joining the thread. It does seem like there are plenty of Autistic people on here!
     
  9. Canterpiece

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    It's incredibly easy to make me jump. Unexpected knocking, sneaking up on me etc. Especially if I'm focused on something else. Someone once sneaked up on me dressed up as a zombie at a gaming convention. That definitely made me jump! :fearful::sweat_smile:
     
  10. Marble Jar

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    Haha that sounds terrifying!

    Ok, how about your pain threshold? Good, bad, in-between?
     
  11. Canterpiece

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    Varies.

    Alright, so to give you some context- I went through a lot of bullying growing up. I became practised in maintaining a poker face when faced with minor pain. Unfortunately, there were situations where I had to put aside physical pain to help others get out of danger. I am still able to redirect / ignore my pain, so that there's a delay in when the pain properly registers. However, nowadays I usually only do this if someone else is in a state of emergency and I have to act quickly.

    One thing that's a little odd about my pain threshold is that it's a bit inconsistent. When I was a young child, I did some rather bad damage to my face. Thankfully it was able to heal for the most part and I only have a small scar. My family are still amused that instead of complaining about my face at the time, I actually complained about a slight scrape on my knee. I find that some body parts are less sensitive, and some are more so.

    When I actively put mental effort into dealing with physical pain, my threshold is higher than it usually is. If you were to punch me in the arm it'd probably hurt less than if a pin pricked the palm of my hand. Especially if I were anticipating that pain.
     
    #71 Canterpiece, May 8, 2020
    Last edited: May 8, 2020
  12. Denial

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    Welcome to the club!
     
  13. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    Sorry to hear about the bullying. I had trouble with that myself but thankfully it never got properly violent.

    That's intriguing. I wonder if perhaps the fact that you could see the injury on your knee and not your face might have added to that.

    Yes, that makes sense. The anticipation of pain really doesn't help matters.

    Do you have any interest in systems? Such as how the train network functions? (to give a cliched example)
     
  14. Canterpiece

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    Unfortunately, mine did get rather violent. I came close to serious injury on a few occasions but thankfully I was never hospitalised but I was deeply shaken. I went through psychological taunts, physical attacks and events that featured both. One side effect of my experiences is that I developed rather intense claustrophobia due to the bullying. I had a panic attack in a small space once. Thankfully I haven't had one recently. I was bullied on and off again from five years old up until I turned sixteen. Even though it's over now, I still have days where the memories bother me.

    Yeah, I've wondered about that and I think you could be right.

    Actually, I think it does. Once you recover from the shock it becomes easier to proceed. That's why I find it easier to deal with expected pain rather than when it takes me by surprise. Of course, how painful it is and the size of the injury are big factors.

    Not really. I have some interest in coding. Additionally, biological processes in the body. However, I've never had much interest in mechanical or travel systems. I'm more focused on visual design and language. That's why I'm learning code, to make games / apps that look like how I envisioned them. I don't care much for trains except for using them to get places.
     
    #74 Canterpiece, May 9, 2020
    Last edited: May 9, 2020
  15. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    It's so horrible that adults turn a blind eye to these things at school. The feeling of being trapped in a small space is probably similar to the feeling of being cornered by bullies, so i can see how that could happen. That's a long time to be bullied. I can still recall all kinds of things in minute detail and it was nowhere near as bad as what you are describing. You could easily have PTSD after all that. I think it's amazing you had the confidence to live in university halls after those experiences.

    Oh i see, sorry, i thought you meant the other way around. I get it now.

    That's cool. Coding is a very useful skill to have. How about collecting things? Organising items? Cataloging stuff? Are your belongings grouped and ordered in your own systems? How would you feel if someone went in your room and moved some stuff around? (Even just typing that sentence made me feel anxious)
     
  16. Canterpiece

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    Well, it's a bit more simple than that. Back when I was bullied, I was shoved into small spaces, often so forcefully that it was physically painful. They'd trap me in there until they felt like letting me go. Overtime I learnt to associate small areas with being trapped.

    It's definitely had a significant impact. Admittedly, I'm still unlearning things. Unfortunately, there are certain situations that can trigger a negative reaction. For instance, I have a definite preference for sitting at the end of a table where I can easily leave. I dislike sitting in the middle of people close to me or near a corner.

    One time I was visiting a relative and was sat at a dinner table. I decided not to cause a fuss, so I sat in the middle as I was asked to. Unfortunately, when someone reached close to me I freaked out. I stood up, apologised, and went to lie down in another room. Even though I know such behaviour is irrational, I needed a moment to get relaxed again.

    Most of the time I'm fine, it's just small things. The trouble is that for particular issues, I don't know if they started before the bullying and became worse, or if they started because of it. For instance, my aversion to physical contact. According to early school reports, I showed signs of avoiding such contact fairly early on. I've made significant strides in that area though. A friend of mine used to find it amusing that I'd flinch when he raised their hand acting as though he was about to punch me.

    I find it hard not to flinch when someone does that, even if I know they aren't really going to punch me since it's a reflex at this point. This has offended people before, but I try to explain that it isn't that I don't trust them, it's not really about them at all. Also, I tend to freeze up if you grab my arms from behind so I usually ask people not to do this unless absolutely necessary.

    Then there's the other mental health stuff. Learning to trust people again, regaining my confidence, learning that I don't have to prove myself to my friends, and overcoming hurdles when it comes to coming out. Unfortunately, I went through a homophobic attack and sometimes when I come out to people I get flashbacks. My throat goes dry and I seemingly forget how to form words for a brief moment. Thankfully this happens less these days. I am able to push through it when it does, and I hope that one day it won't happen at all.

    I had my doubts at first, but I try not to let my experiences hold me back. Things got a bit easier when I made new supportive friends.

    Personally, revisiting certain places helped me. For example, there was an arcade where I got bullied, and for ages I didn't want to go back to that place because of the bad memories. However, when I went back, it helped me realise that it was over; that I was safe now. Then I played some games there, and now the arcade is just an arcade to me. I can't erase what happened there, but building new positive memories in that place seemed to help.

    My confidence goes up and down a lot. I'm trying to make it more stable though.

    I live in a state of organised chaos. Yes, I dislike when people move stuff around. Not so much keeping a catalogue, although I did used to hoard items as a kid. I passionately hated timed games, so I used to take sand timers out of games and hide them.

    Used to collect a book franchise when I was younger since they encouraged kids to collect them all, each book = a new character to collect. Not a behaviour I indulge in these days, although I'm still a bookworm.

    Except if you count my drawing collection, that's sorted by type (human anatomy section, non-human animals, mythology section etc). I'd be upset if someone disrupted the order of that folder. Especially if they got rid of all my work.
     
    #76 Canterpiece, May 10, 2020
    Last edited: May 10, 2020
  17. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    Oh ok...what a weird thing to do to someone. No wonder you get claustrophobic!

    That makes sense, it's your survival instinct trying to keep you safe. It seems like you handled that the best you could.

    I was going to ask that actually, but with the bullying starting so young it's going to be hard for you to remember what aspects came first (if any).

    I'm glad you've made progress with physical contact. I can't think of a reason that anyone should need to grab someone's arms from behind! Unless maybe they were trying to stop them falling off something.

    It's a mystery to me why people get attacked on the grounds of homophobia. I'm glad you've got a network of friends now. I think that's a great idea about revisiting the arcade! Your own form of exposure therapy in fact.

    Haha i love the sand-timer hiding. Brilliant.

    Did you hit the normal milestones at the right sort of time as a kid? Such as learning to walk and talk? How about now? Do you feel able to make similar progress to your peers? (Lock down aside) Clearly you are doing fine academically, but other stuff such as finding work, or relationships? Learning to drive? Generally organising your life, such as managing a budget?
     
  18. Canterpiece

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    My walking was a little on the late side, but still just about in the expected development range. As for talking, that's a little more complex. I developed selective mutism. Before then, I was always rather quiet. Especially compared to my older sister. I know my parents have remarked before how it was a little odd how quiet I was as a baby.

    When watching my baby videos, I have noticed that my reactions to external stimuli seem...almost apathetic. Bored. Particularly in comparison. For example, when my parents are talking to my sister and playing with her toys to get her attention she laughs and claps. Whereas I don't really seem to care when my mother is talking to me, I recognise it but I'm not that bothered. There's one video where she is talking to me, I'm looking rather bored, and I try to throw an object across the room instead of vocalising back. The only reaction I have is frowning when I'm told that I shouldn't throw it.

    Another example would be in a different video when my sister is eagerly talking to me, and I'm sat quietly listening to her. Interestingly, I point to myself and make various hand gestures which seems to indicate that I was trying to communicate back on some level. My non-verbal communication seems to develop more before my vocalisations, I'm not entirely sure why. Anyway, once I developed speech I had a stutter and a bit of a lisp.

    I talked in sentence fragments, pointing and other gestures. Then I started education and at first I begin to write. Everything seemed fairly on track, except that I'm noted to be a bit skittish and reserved. However, as time went on I started to write less and less in my school work. This was picked up on and commented about. I stopped writing completely, would wander off during lessons and didn't talk to other children or teachers. According to my sister, I wouldn't even talk to my parents anymore. I used my sister as a translator by using sentence fragments and pointing, which she managed to understand and relay what I was trying to communicate to my parents. Due to my fear of public speaking, I avoided eye contact and showed very little body language except to my sister. I avoided certain places in the playground because I didn't want to speak to others. Understandably, I was referred to a speech therapist early on. Apparently I used to go to one area of the playground in particular, pick up a toy spade and drop it on the floor. Then I'd pick it up, drop it again and I'd do this repeatedly until break ended to pass the time and avoid people.

    So my initial development led to some concern. However, I greatly improved thanks to my time spent in speech therapy. I started to speak in school and make eye contact. My body language became more outward rather than inward. I made friends. However, I was always a bit behind, probably in part due to my late start with socialising. I wasn't great at communicating my emotions. More the type of kid to punch someone in the face than communicate frustration verbally. In fact, I became interested in writing stories partly because it gave me an outlet to express my anger in a way that I wouldn't get in trouble for. So if I got annoyed at someone, I usually ended up brutally murdering one of my fictional characters or have them express feelings of despair. I was praised for my way with words in how I wrote stories, but I wouldn't blame them if they were concerned about what I was writing about.

    Admittedly I've wondered before if that was one of the reasons I ended up in counselling. The explanation they gave me was that I thought outside the box too much and needed to make more logical connections. However, I later realised that what they meant was we don't understand how you get from point A to point B and we think you might be a little crazy. When I started to explain myself more, people realised that there was a logic behind my unorthodox thinking.

    My school counsellor never tried to understand me. She never should have been practising. Our sessions were toxic. She treated me badly. On top of being bullied, struggling to fit in and generally having a rough time I also had to deal with being insulted by my counsellor. She never cared about my progress, that much became clear early on. All she cared about was looking good. When I didn't give her the answers she wanted, she told me to shut up and to just write down the answers she told me. I never learnt anything from our sessions, I just switched off my mind and mindlessly wrote whatever she told me to, since if I ever questioned her she'd start yelling and that scared me.

    I started to think that I couldn't do anything right. She'd ask me why I couldn't just be normal. Why I was so stupid. I tried to answer her the best I could, but it never seemed good enough. Eventually she snapped and blamed her mental breakdown on me. Which definitely had a negative effect on my mental health. I didn't exactly know how to process that at nine years old. So I developed issues with eye contact again, but this time because I was irrationally afraid that I'd look at someone the wrong way and cause them to break down like she did. I managed to overcome this when I was fifteen, and I only had issues with looking at authority figures (particularly ones that reminded me of her).

    When I consider what I used to be like, I've definitely come a long way socially. I still have some of the same issues though. For instance, I had issues with understanding when people were being sarcastic or joking and when they were being serious. I still find that difficult sometimes. As for my progress compared to my peers, I'd say that I'm more or less on equal footing with them. Except for understanding maths, but I have learning difficulties. However, I have noticed that my friends tend to be on the eccentric side. Many describe themselves as socially awkward. One of my friends was assumed to be autistic by his teachers, but it turned out he wasn't. Got diagnosed with anxiety instead. I had a friend with mild autism that I could relate to, but he didn't share my sensory issues.

    Took me a while to realise how to tell when someone is bored. I learnt how to do this when I was sixteen. These days I am bizarrely popular. I definitely wasn't in high school.

    Haven't started much on the job search. Never had a real romantic relationship. I pretended to date a gay guy in high school to fit in but that's about it. Haven't learnt to drive yet. My organisation is a bit haphazard, but it's certainly better than it was! That's not saying much though. So far I've managed to keep to a budget.
     
    #78 Canterpiece, May 11, 2020
    Last edited: May 11, 2020
  19. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    I'm so glad you had your sister! Otherwise you could have been totally isolated! Dare i ask if you have any sort of relationship with your parents now?

    Haha it was probably best for everyone that the brutal murders were just on paper...i'm glad you had the skill to write it!

    Ugh, what a terrible experience with the counsellor. It's amazing what adults get away with. It's so damaging when totally unsuitable people get jobs in those sorts of fields.

    Eccentric friends are the best kind to have. Haha bizarrely popular. Well, enjoy that! Your time has come!!

    Does your mood fluctuate a lot? Or are you even-tempered most of the time?

    How are you at completing tasks? Do you always finish stuff? Or have you got ten projects on your desk, some of which will never be dealt with?
     
  20. Canterpiece

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    I have a good relationship with my parents. They are supportive, caring and we get on in general.

    :laughing:

    Yeah, my stories have toned down over the years, although some of them still have a morbid tone. I've also written light-hearted comedies before so believe it or not, I'm not all doom and gloom.

    Definitely. It took me a while to undo that damage and realise that it wasn't my fault.

    I guess in a sense my mood is predictably unpredictable. When I do have mood swings, they can be quite significant. I go through depressive episodes sometimes. They tend to occur at certain points in the year. I also get hyper fairly easily from sugar. Then I have days where I wake up and I feel as though I'm different and things just seem clearer somehow. One time I was stuck on an essay and one day I just woke up and knew exactly what to write. In that one day I managed to do more work than I'd managed in three weeks.

    Most of the time I'm even-tempered but then I have dips in the year where I'll just start getting a bunch of intrusive thoughts about death and leading a disappointing life, will spiral into a depressive state and my confidence takes a significant hit. Always hate the depressive times because it kills my creativity and motivation. Then I'll have spikes of productivity after it's over.

    Ha. Completing tasks. When it comes to creative projects, I'm quite bad at starting a bunch of different ideas. Many don't see the light of day. Sometimes I'll start one knowing that I don't quite have a direction for it yet, but that it has potential. I'll put a pin in it, so to speak, for later. This has come in useful before. I've been in situations where someone has wanted me to quickly come up with something and I've thought "Huh, I had a relevant concept for a similar product earlier, let me see if I can take any inspiration from that" then I've checked my files. It's somewhat amusing to me, because I've done this before and other people have looked so confused at me almost instantly flicking to the right section from a folder I seemingly summoned out of nowhere. :laughing: I sometimes show a few of my classmates what I've been working on, then we excitedly share stories about our new side projects outside of class.

    Although I've seen some of my old ideas and wondered why on Earth I ever thought that was a good idea. Plenty get scrapped, some are altered, and others get developed. I try to keep it so that I only have so many, and if I want to add a new one I gotta get rid of a few first.
     
    #80 Canterpiece, May 12, 2020
    Last edited: May 12, 2020