Looking to hear your experiences and thoughts!

I started questioning when I was 16, when I had an intrusive thought that I was gay. Unfortunately I freaked out rather than exploring those feelings, and spent around a decade repressing those anxiety producing thoughts. I hit a low point in my life around 25, and decided to explore the thought I feared, that I was gay. I found out that I notice attractive men, and would fool around if I was into it. However, gay porn or my own fantasies doesn't get me aroused when I explore those thoughts/feelings. So in the end I left it at I'm flexible/queer to some degree.

I never stopped having relationships with women. I've been intimate with 35 women, and have been in 3 serious relationships with female partners. I am currently in one with a queer female who I much adore, and to be honest, she is the best partner I've ever had. I'm content with myself when I'm single, however I doubt myself when in a serious relationship. I've read stories of marriages ending because one of the partners prefers the same sex. Those stories make me extremely depressed as I worry that is my fate, and I'll hurt someone I truly care about.

My environment has been in Catholicism, I grew up in it, but I havent been a believer for a long time, Sports, playing for 15 years and 2 of those in a startup professional league, and Construction, which is my trade. I believe I have internalized a lot of phobias and binary thinking based on my environments. I know most things in life aren't black and white, which I know since some of my closest friends are punk/queer/etc. I'm looking into getting a therapist at the moment, since I believe I have some deeper issues going on.

In the meantime I'm interested in hearing what you folks have to say about your own experiences. Did you ever doubt yourself when in a new relationship because you're attracted to multiple genders? Did you ever have trouble unlearning binary black and white thinking? Can any of you relate to my situation? How did you find peace?

 

Hello!

Thank you for responding

What are your fantasies like involving women?
1. They are both sexual and romantic. Especially with someone I've met and had a connection with.

- Have you thought about why you don't enjoy your fantasies with men? Is it possibly because you have spent so much time repressing those desires? Is it possible because you simply prefer women?
Certainly have considered it is because I have repressed those desires, however, I have certainly tried to enjoy those thoughts on many occasions. However, I'm not really aroused by them. I probably have a preference for women, but leaving that open.

- What kind of porn do you like in general, and how easy is it for you to find similar porn that is gay? (You don't have to answer this here if you don't want! I just want you to think about the question.) If you are able to find similar porn, do you think the reason you don't care for it is because of internalized things? Or because you just don't care for it?
Definitely have tried many different types of gay porn, and haven't been able to get aroused. There is a striking difference how much I am attracted to watching a women on screen. I think at the end of the day I'm just not that into it. However, it is just porn.

- Have you ever looked at an attractive man and just allowed yourself to daydream about him (you can interpret that however you like)?
Yes, certainly have. I have imagined myself with a man, and accepted that is who I am attracted to, yet none of those fantasies end up being arousing for me in the end. It leaves me perplexed to be honest. You think it would give me some closure. When I first started exploring these fantasies, I ended up having better relationships with women. I suppose I wasn't as anxious anymore?

-But about your partner: do you feel like you love her? Do you know? What makes the relationship with her the best you've ever had? You don't have to go into detail if you don't want to, of course!
Why is she the best? When we first started dating everything we did was so much fun. Deep down we agree on most things, she is incredibly attractive, and the list goes on. I would say the most important thing is we are kind to each other and we communicate. Not to say that we don't fight, but being kind to one another/apologetic and communicating what went wrong is something I'm not use to. She also challenges me to be a better person. I recently read a book on feminism, which has made me a better partner. Particular the idea of using women for emotional labor. Anyway I can ramble on for a while.

I do care for her a lot, though we are still early in our relationship, which is going on 5 months now. However, she is an ICU nurse, which you can imagine amidst a pandemic, is an incredible stressful time for her. I have strong feelings for her, however, I have put off exploring those feelings in more detail until things have calm down. All I'm doing is trying to support her the best I can, while taking care of myself. I feel this will make us closer and stronger in the end. It feels like dating on steroids given the amount of time we have been together and what we're going through as a couple.

Yeah for sure. Exploring this with a therapist is my best option. I have a history of anxiety, panic attacks, OCD, and depression. I have never been formally diagnosed but I definitely should have gone to therapy when I had my first panic attack when I was 10. I've only learned to manage it, which at times is just being quiet. Though regular exercise is my best route. I was also bullied pretty intensely for being very overweight until I was lost most the weight at 17. I deeply internalize what people say and to doubt myself, though I am trying to unlearn those behaviors. I'm pretty chill about my identity, but not when I enter a relationship. I fear that I'm going to hurt them in the end because I guess I'm not that confident in my queer identity. I agree that I am apart of the bi+ community, and most my friends, family, and people who know me already know/wouldn't be surprised. I need to deal with the underlying issues I mentioned above in order to find peace, and to move on with my life.