Hi, I am a 24M and I am so scared about what to do, I know what I should do but I do not think I can ever say those words ("I am Gay") it is even scary to type and publish. I currently have a girlfriend who i have been together with for 2.5 years we had a brief break up after 9 months and living together, i moved cities(different story) and then moved back to be with her. I currently live with her and he best friend and their partner. As we know we are all on a lock down and the housemates are away. Anyway I want to come out to my girlfriend, she knows already that I am bisexual or though i have never said those words to her she does know that i have slept with a men (the truth is i have been with a few different men and even dated two unofficially.) Anyway i know for a fact that i am Gay but the problem is that i do not want to hurt her in anyway not again. I care for her so much and love her to the end of the world in a friendship way, and nothing would be better if i could be myself with her and keep her as my best friend if she wants. I am too scared to tell her, should i tell her during this lockdown when she does not have her best-friend? or would she like the fact that she is alone i do not know what to do....please please help! Also her family live in a different country and she only has her best-friend here.
Welcome to EC. I don’t think there’s a right way to handle this. If you feel that you can hold off, then waiting until the luckdown is over, when it’s easier to move out, you’ll both have support, etc. could be a good option. If you don’t feel that you can wait and maintain the pretence, then I think it’s fine to tell her now. It’s up to you. Does where you live have enough space that you can sleep separately, have time away from each other, etc.? There’s no rush to do anything, so try to be calm.
There is no way for her not to feel hurt. And there is also no way for you to be authentic with yourself without l3etting go of this relationship. It might make sense to wait until lockdown is over, as LostInDaydreams suggests. But ultimately, that's a decision you have to make. I concur that taking your time and being thoughtful is probably your best option for now.
Thank you for the response. It means so much to me. Yes we are lucky enough to have a place bigger enough for me to sleep away from the bedroom. Does the fact out tennecy end in 3 months mean i should tell her sooner? As i dont want to move in together again. Also one last question sorry i have a lot of questions and no one to talk too about this. What do i say when she wants to have sex i mean i can still have sex but normally to finish i have to think about men. She already knows that i have lost interest but i keep telling her it is the lockdown.
"I concur that taking your time and being thoughtful is probably your best option for now." Thank you for these words the really struck home. Would it be wrong that when i come out to her that alao tell her about some amazing articles to help her, that deals straight partners dealing with this?
You might start with affirming what Chip has said: "There is no way for her not to feel hurt." By the looks of it, she already knows the relationship must end. Please don't try to reassure her; you only make the agony worse. If she brings it up, be gently but be honest.
Thank-you for your response, I know i should not reassure her but sometimes i find the problem if that i am not ready to come out to her yet, and i can not just leave her there feel all shit about herself? what can i do in these situations.
Why not just explain that the relationship isn’t going anywhere, you’ve not wanted to admit that to her as you don’t want to hurt her etc, you don’t have to mention anything about your sexuality this will then give you the time to decide how you want to move on in your life.
NewcastlUK. I have honestly thought about this but early in the relationship we broke up because of my choice, i then won her back and i promised that if i ever want to break up with her. I have to tell her truth to why and i want to honor that. As i have lied and cheated as a straight man, but now i know i am gay, when I come out i want her to be the first to know and honor my promise. Hopefully I will start a new chapter of my life which i cant wait for but to stupid and nervous to do anything about it.
Welcome to Empty Closets. Having a few resources ready should your girlfriend need to consult some information, or wish to do so, would be good. I'd suggest though as Chip suggested to take your time for now and to continue to be thoughtful for now would likely be best. Once the lock down is over, you will have opportunities that will allow you to have a conversation with your girlfriend and start working towards being yourself. I do think that it is important that you are honest with her. Being honest with her, will allow you to make the break that you need to do without feeling guilt and potentially having the truth come out in the end. In some cases once a partner has come out, the other becomes a best friend and a supporter. It might not happen immediately but it could over time.
Hey @Atom95. Welcome to EC. I've read what the others wrote above and your responses as well. Wanted to throw my hat in the ring and write down my two cents as well. In my humble opinion, there are two ways you can go about thinking about this - An emotional way and a practical way. There are people in this world who think both ways, shifting between the 2 ways of thought and outlook depending on the scenario. And then there are people who tend to approach situations and make decisions most of time unilaterally - either emotionally or practically. The emotional quotient in this scenario, to me, would be that, since you've broken up before and have promised you would be truthful, while the both of you are and will get hurt, you need to come out to her, to honor your promise to your girlfriend and to get rid of an enormous emotional burden you have on yourself. The best you can do in this scenario in the aftermath of you coming out, is to be there as a support to your ex-girlfriend, at the most as a friend or at the very least as a roommate, while giving her the space she needs to cope with the situation as well. Practically, I don't know many couples who tend to live together, after breaking up, even if it was in the best of circumstances (amicably). In that scenario, division of assets, house rent, utilities, lifestyle changes. All of these things need to be taken into consideration. If I was in your girlfriend's shoes and was a practical person, after finding out and deciding to move out, I might get a thought in my head that you had an unfair advantage of planning a potential moving-out scenario for weeks! I agree, that most people, don't really jump to that kind of thought immediately. And that is exactly why you need to give yourselves the time to ponder/think about this situation as well. It's not going to be easy -> Who will move out and who will stay in the flat both of you share? Can a single person afford the rent, utilities cost and everything else. There are pretty big lifestyle changes you will need to make and you need to start figuring them out as soon as you can after coming out. Again I'm mentioning all of this from an emotional and practical point of view, taking into consideration the worst and best case scenarios. You need to be prepared for all of this. Which is why I wouldn't recommend pushing it any further. As tough as it is, coming out ASAP is the best option. Prolonging it won't make it any easier in any avenue. Apologies if any of this was harsh. Guess, the practical side of me was stronger on this one.
Hey Guys, So I want to say thank you to everyone, for all your advice and here is an update. Yesturday me and my ex-girlfriend (yes ex) went for a walk and have a cigarette, during this time we started chatting as she was talking about moving, anyway one thing lead to another and i ended up telling her that i am gay. I was so nervous and shaking like a leaf she did not really understand at first because we had been physically involved. I just explain to her about thr emotional connection that i was attracted to and when we first got together there was physical attraction. She was happy for me. Just upset about losing the relationship. That is fair enough, anyway today has been a tough one painful but also a small part of me is happy which then gets overshadowed but guilt. So we are both very depressed at the moment. I dont really see any future at the moment i have no clue what to do. Will she be okay? Does anyone have any advice?
I'm glad you had the courage to come out to her. I'm sure it was hard, but it was the right thing to do. Good for you! . Take a deep breath. As for what's to come, it really depends on how she reacts now. Give her time and space. Let us know what she says and how she behaves. That might help us try to figure out what she must be feeling or going through. . Take care.
As for me it was quite useful to watch some videos with youtubers talking about coming out...I mean I understand it may sound weird but I was comparing different situations with mine and actually I've found the one which was almost similar. It wasn't like 100% of "success" but still gave me some courage
That is really great that you've found courage to do so. Of course things won't be the same, but life shows that they can become better for you both. Just remember some situations from the past when you thought things wouldn't get better and look where you are now. It's just your new life and it can be a bit hard to see what's ahead
Hi Atom I went through a very similar scenario a few years ago. I dated a girl (who I genuinely loved - just not in the way she needed to be loved) for nearly 3 years. Telling her I was gay was harder than telling my parents - I didn't want her to think our entire relationship had been a lie. Eventually it all came out and obviously she was hurt, but years later she is one of my best friends and the few people I can genuinely trust, just give her time and let her adjust to this in her own way. It may all seem doom and gloom, but trust me time heals all wounds - which applies to both of you. Jakob
