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Finally learning to accept myself.

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by Lamarr, Apr 24, 2020.

  1. Lamarr

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    As long as I can remember I've been unclear about who I am and how I identify sexually. As a boy I was attracted to and experimented with other boys. Confusingly, I also liked girls. It wasn't until grade 6 that I learned what it meant to be gay, and that it was undesirable. So I did my best to push those feelings deep down and made a conscious "choice" only like girls. I had no concept of bisexuality or that I could like both. High school was no different. I looked at boys, had "friend" crushes but I wouldn't dare act on them. I mostly dated girls that were androgynous. I dated lots of girls and had lots of sex. Seemed like a sure way to prove that you don't like boys.

    In my early 20's something changed and I didn't feel so much of the pressure of fitting in. Away from home and in a big city with a gay village. I worked with a lesbian and we would often hit up lesbian bars. One night we got to talking about how I never felt complete or fully at home in my relationships with women. She suggested casually "maybe you're gay." It's something I had never let myself think and I certainly wouldn't have said it. It seemed to fit. I made sense of it, accepted it and spent the next 5 years only sleeping with men. I enjoyed it. I had no trouble connecting with men physically. I saw this as confirmation that I was indeed gay. I was only aware of bisexuality (or what ever you want to call it) as a phase, or step one took on their way to being fully gay. All my queer friends seemed to have this opinion and I tended to believe them, after all they were older and wiser gays and I was just a baby gay.

    ...Then I met a girl. We hit it off and started dating. She was androgynous and looked a lot like some of the boys I went around with. I hadn't really had any lasting relationships with guys either because they only wanted casual sex or because when things started getting serious I would get scared and sabotage. I broke a few hearts and got a reputation that I didn't much like. Now I meet this girl and everything seems to make sense: we have solid friendship and great sex with lots of passion. Since bisexuality still isn't a real thing I figure that being gay must have just been a phase. I was confused and not I'm not. There is a pattern developing but I can't see it. In the process of "going straight piss off most of my gay friends for going to the other side. They think I'm lying to myself because I wan't the social benefits of living in a hetero-normative relationship. We dated for 4 years. I still fantasized about men. For the last year I was sleeping with a guy from the restaurant I worked at. We broke up for a number of reasons but most of all I wanted to try being with men again.

    I was 30 and rooming with one of my best Friends. I started actively dating guys. I came out to my roommate and a few new friends as gay. Some of those friends set me up with guys but nothing really panned out. After about a year I met a great guy that I really hit it off with and we dated for about 6 months. We it felt like it was getting serious and I had real feelings for him I started thinking about what would happen If I brought him home to meet my parents. I got scared and fell back to my old pattern of sabotage. I really hurt him and I still feel bad about it almost 10 years later. Even though I was the one to end things I took it really hard. I was sure that I was broken in some way. Why couldn't I make it work with any boys or girls? What the fuck was wrong with me?

    I resolved myself not to date anyone. I had my friends and that was enough. Then one night I was out dancing and a beautiful young woman tried to pick me up. I wasn't interested at first, I just wanted to dance and be with myself. She figured I was gay but perused anyway hoping that we could be friends. I explained (coles notes) a bit of my history with boys and girls and she was so cool about it. "So you're bi?" I had never really identified that way so I had a hard time accepting it. "No, I'm a demi-gay" I said, or maybe just a man who sometimes sleeps with men? We fell in love pretty hard and got married. We have 2 little boys and have moved to a smaller city. During our marriage I have struggled with my sexuality. I have accepted that am attracted to women and men. I have had trouble expressing my queer side inside of our marriage. I have occasionally visited the gay village and danced and flirted with men. I've never cheated but I have felt the desire to connect with another man.

    I am starting to feel like I cannot suppress this part of my identity. I want to be totally out to my family, friends and co-workers. I want the younger generation to know that bi+ people exist and are valid. I also hope to open up my marriage so that I can express myself fully and with acceptance.

    I hope that I can meet people that have had similar experiences that I can talk to and share with.

    Thanks for reading.

    Be safe.

    Lamarr.
     
  2. Snowqueen

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    Hi and welcome. X
     
  3. LostInDaydreams

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    Welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    There are lots of people here who have realised and/or come to terms with their sexuality whilst in a long term relationship or marriage, including a few who’ve discussed with their spouses the possibility of opening up their marriages. They’ll usually post in the Later in Life section, so you might get some good advice if you post over there.

    Check out the rest of the forum too.
     
  4. Mirko

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    Welcome to the community! Sharing your experiences, thoughts and how you feel about yourself are a great start to working on living your life the way you feel most comfortable.

    Being part of the community can help in beginning to open the closet doors and learning from others' experiences. :slight_smile:
     
  5. BiGemini87

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    Welcome to EC! :slight_smile: I feel for you, and hope you can find the answers you're looking for here. There are tons of people who can relate, so don't hesitate to check out the Later in Life threads.
     
  6. Mus1cGuy69

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    Hi welcome to EC!
     
  7. lonewolf79

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    Hello and welcome :slight_smile:
     
  8. Needhelp3

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    Hello
     
  9. lonewolf79

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    Hi,

    EC is an excellent place to chat, get advice and make friends. I am not online much but I have found some good advice here when I do pop in.

    Enjoy the site and all the best :slight_smile: