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Getting over painful experiences

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by dano218, Apr 12, 2020.

  1. dano218

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    I graduated from high school 10 years ago and during high school was in a special ed class which was very homophobic almost on a daily basis. I never really got over that experience and would like to express that to some people who were in that class with me. I can live it with it but at the same time I want to express it so badly. Is it a pathetic thing to do after all these years or not?
     
  2. HM03

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    Before I even read the details, just from the title I was going to suggest the important of talking about our feelings. People always talk about getting over it and moving on, but painful experiences mark us and shape who we are as individuals.

    Unless you are acting poorly towards others and blaming it on your past (without taking responsibility), or not moving forward (huge difference between moving forward and moving on), then yes, talk talk talk!
     
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  3. dano218

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    What I really want to know is it wise after 10 years to confront someone or a group of people over a past experience?

    I don’t really need to talk about it anymore as I rather express it finally to the people who were actually involved.
     
    #3 dano218, Apr 13, 2020
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2020
  4. Euterpe

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    I don’t think it’s pathetic to want to do that, at all. I think that’s a normal human feeling, even years later sometimes, to want to level with people and let them know how they made you feel. However, maybe you should ask yourself, what would it achieve? What might the response be? What response are you hoping for? Would it really give you closure? How would you handle it if it didn’t? You don’t need to answer to me, of course. It’s just to think about.
    Something I’ve been thinking about at present, is the saying, ‘You can’t control other people’s behaviour. You can only control your response to it.’
    Talking is good. Also making your own life the very best place it can be, so that you are only interested in looking forward, not back.
     
  5. dano218

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    Those are good things to think of. It just comes up in my mind from time to time and was experience that always stayed with me. I can live with it whether I confront it or not so I have to think about if it is willing worth doing something about it. I don’t expect a answer or really care how they might respond it does not matter either way just to get it out of my system would be good enough.
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    Could you write a letter and then rip it up? Something along those lines...would that work?

    I can completely understand why this is still significant to you, but there’s a good chance it isn’t for them and they may not really even remember it that clearly, or worse, their opinions may not even have changed.

    I agree that it’s really worth thinking about what you’ll actually get out of it.
     
  7. Zombi3

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    It's not pathetic. I wouldn't suggest contacting someone from the class. As everyone has moved on.

    But as it's been in you mind for this long. You need to rid it. I suggest writing everything down. Then burn it. Watch it burn and imagine every thought of it burning away, Then maybe close your eyes and clear your mind. Take a deep breathe. Then move on.
     
    #7 Zombi3, Apr 24, 2020
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2020
  8. dano218

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    I totally agree with that sentiment. I think i just still get periods of depression where everything comes back up. Your right it is likely not gonna do me any good to confront anybody and if i am even hesitant to do it it probably is a not the best idea. It comes from larger problem on how bad lgbtq kids had it in my school. It was a very homophobic environment and even a kid in my class eventually ended his life due of some what when on in high school. He never fully got over it but it was not the only reason i think he ended his life just a few years after high school. It is just is a even larger feeling of wanting to something to help those possibly going through the same thing. I want to do something but i don't know how to go about it. It is the same pattern for most students like me not all of them though they graduate, leave town and never look back. I did it as well my fears for those still going through it remains.
     
  9. LostInDaydreams

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    A couple ideas spring to mind...

    Could you write a letter to the school explaining how you felt? Do you think that would change anything?

    You could find out whether there are any local support/activity groups for young LGBT people near you? We have one here. Could you look at volunteering?
     
    #9 LostInDaydreams, Apr 25, 2020
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2020
  10. dano218

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    I did do something of that sort a few years even going as far as emailing a teacher involved of what was going on. It did not amount to much. It was a smaller city so there is no support or activity groups available there and they had one years ago that failed because there was not enough interest. It's more harder now since i live in a larger city a hour away so I cannot really form anything there unless i do some kind of online support kind of thing. Might be an idea something i thought about doing in the past especially for more rural areas that need that kind of outreach or support.
     
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  11. LostInDaydreams

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    Those are all good ideas. I hope you can get something running or get involved somehow. If not, is there something you could support with where you live now? That may help you find some closure.
     
  12. Rin311

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    People brought up some really good ideas here. I wanted to add that volunteering to help LGBTQ kids who need support doesn’t have to be at your old high school - there are LGBTQ community centers and organizations that offer support groups and hotlines for young people. Another option would be to volunteer with a youth-focused organization that may not be specifically aimed at LGBTQ kids, but at all youth.
    I wanted to say that I completely understand your wanting to speak and tell people who knew you back then how their behavior affected you. It’s not pathetic, it’s natural - you want to be heard and you want people to listen. The more you talk about it - even if it’s with people who weren’t there, or here on EC - the better you’ll be able to deal with it, and the more you’ll feel you are being listened to, which you weren’t back then. In my experience, that’s the most important thing in dealing with traumatic experiences: finding someone who would listen, hear you out, and validate your experience. Take care.
     
  13. dano218

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    Of course I have another idea that I could work with the school as a support person for those who are lgbt on a volunteer basis. A problem with that is though you are working with teenagers and parents may not appreciate their child taking time a adult they hardly know and of course many high school students are not out to their parents. I mean my parents were accepting but they did not like me talking to older adults because what parents does. But I desperately needed that support and may of been dead without it.
     
  14. LostInDaydreams

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    I think the main issue that you would face is how do the school and parents know that you’re qualified to provide appropriate support. Do you have relevant qualifications and experience working with teenagers?

    A lot of pastoral support is provided by qualified and experienced teachers, or there are outside agencies staffed by individuals who are youth workers.

    If you really want to help, you might have more success volunteering with an established support group and see if they can support you with some training.
     
  15. sweetfemme90

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    I think our feelings try to communicate something to us, so if you feel pain, anger, frustration, resentment, etc it is important to address it. In my life time I found I never really 'get over' those negative experiences but rather learn to live with them. They become scars. I think being in a special ed class can make those individuals targets for being made fun of. Then adding being gay on top of that makes you a double-target. So I can only imagine those kids would engage in homophobic behaviours in order to increase their social standing. Clearly this is wrong and it doesn't justify hurting someone else. I don't think you should be understanding or compassionate towards people who bully you either. Maybe this is a good time to some healing. Not sure if you are spiritual at all but spiritual practices may help you heal. Having a stronger presence in the community may also help. It will give you the opportunity to get involved, make some friends, and allow you to be yourself. We need each other for so much. Today I think the community has lost a sense of solidarity for many reasons.

    I remember as a teen/young adult just meeting another gay person was like 'OMG WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS'. and most often we were. I was friends with people during my first long-term relationship, break-up, and other life events. Then my late twenties rolled around and meeting another gay person is like 'meh, whatevs'. Sometimes we just become so disconnected because it just isn't a big deal anymore. I pass by lesbian coworkers daily and we know we are all lesbians but we never talk about it. Or only once, a short, brief conversation. It was needed and I wish I had more. But it is hard to go up to a gay person and expect to be friends because you are both gay. I am not sure what your experience is however you definitely have needs that are not being met, healing needs. We can help you here however it is good to have in-person interactions and relationships. I think most of us are still deeply hurt and need each other to heal, it's just hard to get the point where we can be mutually vulnerable with one another. I wish you the best of luck.
     
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