I don't feel as if I am a homosexual because I've always felt attracted to women. However, I am very insecure in myself in terms of looks and personality due to bullying from a young age. Though I was ugly growing up, I'm currently in the process of fixing my flaws, but as my flaws decrease, my insecurity does not. Therefore, I think my insecurity issues are playing into my sexuality. Sometimes I feel that I don't deserve a woman or that I'm not strong enough to handle one. I had a girlfriend once, but she was playing me hard and really toyed with my emotions. It was no good. Why am I telling you all of this? As I said, I think my insecurities play into my sexuality. Since I'm insecure and don't feel that I deserve a woman, I have done homosexual things to myself in the past. Today, for example, I felt a strong compulsion, went into the shower and fucked myself in the ass until climax. I felt disgusted with myself afterwards, and I still feel disgusted by it. Every time I give into a temptation like this, I feel truly disgusted with myself, and I feel depressed for the rest of the day. These compulsions seem to happen when my insecurity is at its worst. This is taking a damper on my life. I am unsure how to stop these compulsions. Maybe once I fix enough flaws I will be okay with myself and this won't be a problem? I don't know but I don't feel that I am truly homosexual and I only experience these things at low points. I can't imagine myself getting with another man, but those thoughts come up when I act on these compulsions. I think internally it would be easier to be submissive than it would be to be dominant because that's all I've done my entire life before I even began to think sexually. I want to be dominant but my environment didn't raise me to act in that manner and it's making it hard for me. I have nothing against homosexuals and I wish them the best in life, but I really don't feel I am one. I'm wondering if anyone else on these forums have had homosexual thoughts because of things like this? Or perhaps some of you on here have a similar background and committed to being a homosexual because of it? I'm not sure, but I feel alone with these feelings, I want to feel like I am deserving of a woman and can live happily instead of, in my case, taking the easy way out and getting my kicks by being a homosexual. Please help me.
Hi! Welcome to EC! Hopefully this is helpful Okay, so I can tell there are a lot of different emotions you're feeling. Perfectly normal, life is hard am I right? I think there are a lot of things that go into sexuality. There's self-awareness, romantic attraction, sexual attraction, and preferences. Emotion is also a big part of it. It sounds like you're going very hard on yourself because you've had bad experiences with women in the past, but you're generally attracted to women. I think you might be more relying on past experiences to determine your sexuality than your actual feelings. Being gay isn't just about having sex, and relationships can be just as hard - I think what you could try doing is maybe meeting more women and taking just a few more risks so that you can really learn more about yourself. But don't just assume that this is your insecurities about women from the past - you could be sexually attracted to men. Those feelings seem to really be taking over, and what I think you're doing is pushing them aside, which is making them stronger. You may not think you have anyone to support you, but you could try talking to someone about this. I think you should experience with both emotions you're feeling: both the maybe-gay impulses and the desire to be loved by a woman. Also, don't feel disgusted by yourself! You're experimenting and that's completely normal. Experimentation will help you translate those feelings that you don't understand. My experience with discovering my sexuality seems to be a lot different than yours, but the confusing feelings I can definitely relate to. I'm only 13, and teens that are questioning their sexuality are often told that their feelings are "just a phase" that they'll get over. That can really throw someone off. If what you're feeling does turn out to be a phase, that's perfectly fine. Phases of questioning are completely valid and although they can be really annoying (especially to bi people like myself) when asked about, just don't lose confidence in yourself. You got this!
