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I really need help... Should I break this relationship off?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Aesthcore, Apr 24, 2020.

  1. Aesthcore

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    I really need help; I don't know what choice to make - To stay with my boyfriend and continue trying, or finally give it a rest.

    I really do love my boyfriend. We're only online for now, but we've talked plenty about our lives together and how we plan to go with things.
    We've had a lot of good times. We've both comforted each other, both had deeply heartfelt talks, both have tried to work this relationship out despite the greatly rocky parts of it.
    We're both spiritual, both vegan (he converted some time after we met), both have a deep love for animals and nature, both are artists and love to express ourselves creatively, both enjoy some similar interests.
    We both feel very deeply, and we've both gotten into ruts.

    We have a lot in common, but we're also very different - Opposites, in fact.
    And while I'm dealing with depression like him, he gives the impression of being legitimately unstable as a person. Like borderline personality disorder.

    He has a kind heart. But I feel like I see so many different sides of him, to the point that who he is... Feels so inconsistent. And he's proven that different sides of him can pop out at any given moment. And absolutely any thing can set him off into a depressive episode - He has no tolerance for handling negative things, and I'm only seeing it get worse as time goes on. Not better, no matter how much support me and our friends offer.
    He's 18 (I'm older by a couple years), and I know he's trying to find himself, but this is more intense than that. The fact that he has ADHD (diagnosed), depression, bipolar symptoms, etc probably just amplifies it all.

    - There's his side of intelligence, calmness, maturity, looking out for others, even showing some responsibility and confident paternal nature. This is the side I first met him in, and that I very rarely get to experience, especially the longer we spend in our relationship. It rarely comes around that he's calm and at peace enough for this, and it doesn't last long even then (as none of his moods do).
    - Then there's his side of humor, fun, experimenting. He gets somewhat self-absorbed. High boost of ego. He's wild, and not nearly as attentive to others.
    - Then his side of complete immaturity. He literally will talk like a kid, such as simplified sentences and spelling things in a kid-like way. Utter and total lack of responsibility, and he really just loses himself in it. He doesn't focus, he's child-like clingy and shows positive and negative emotions like a small child. Constantly injures himself because he pays no attention to his surroundings.
    The extremity of this varies. It's like moments of actual age-regression.

    He says he's an ambivert, but he's very extroverted in my opinion.
    He needs constant comforting and attention (he's confidently admitted that he's an 'attention whore').
    Again, shows bipolar sorts of moods, and he's clingy. To the point that he gets majorly depressed and sad if he's left alone for more than an hour, and he's the type of person to complain about every little inconvenience or pain or bad mood.
    Says he'll do things that he never follows through with, even when him and I both know and agree they'll help him. He has troubles communicating well. He forgets stuff constantly, like even the most basic of things no matter how many times I go over them with him, like stretching or drinking water or meditating, etc.
    I feel like I'm having to legitimately parent him when I'm around. And the moment I'm not around, he gets sad and lonely and clingy and has attention-seeking behavior in general.


    I'm an introvert, and honestly kind of a loner at heart. Although I can get very caught up in others emotions as an empath and like anyone else, get into ruts and need comfort every once in a while... I prefer self-reliance at my core, and I do not enjoy feeling truly reliant on others one bit. I want people I can go to who I know have my back, sure, but you can only rely on others so much.
    And personal space and time, and control over how much of it, is a requirement for me. Maybe that makes me not ready for a relationship, I don't know. I like having some love, but not to be smothered, and especially not to be hounded for every ounce of attention and love every minute of the day. I need to be able to have a life of my own, if I'm going to be with somebody.

    I'm constantly trying to work things out with him, but when any little thing sets him off... He's cut before. I think maybe attempted something more, before. And the last time I broke up before we got back together, he was incredibly depressive, shut me and our friends out a lot, etc. I'm scared to even just talk about and work out negative things in our relationship at this point, because it can never just be a smooth adult conversation with him. He does apply some past things from our conversations, but he still reverts sometimes, and with all the other things, I just...

    With me being absent and introverted and wanting to escape often, and him needing babying and comfort and attention 24/7 - I'm not so sure that no matter how hard we try to make this work, that this is actually gonna be a healthy thing for us. But I'm also scared to break up with him again, primarily because I don't want him to endanger himself, or to get so depressed that he won't even function and take care of himself and shuts everyone out. He says he's incredibly attached to me, and he acts like he can't live without me being in a relationship with him.

    It's like a ticking time bomb. But I can't handle this, and this is destroying me and in turn him.
    I love him, and there's so many good things in our relationship and in him that I don't know if I'll find again. But I can't ever seem to find emotionally stable people (in friends or in partners). And I can't help but feel that the cons outweigh the pros, here.
    What do you guys think I should do? Am I being selfish about this?
     
    #1 Aesthcore, Apr 24, 2020
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2020
  2. Chip

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    I think if you reread what you've written... you already have your answer.
     
  3. Zombi3

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    Recently I read that many mental disorders are grown from mental traumas.

    Is there anything that you know of that happened to him as a child??
     
    #3 Zombi3, Apr 24, 2020
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  4. Chip

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    I would say that, in this particular case, that is a certainty. It is not something I would want to take on. As a gifted therapist said to a friend of mine who was in an unhealthy relationship, "Do you want a boyfriend, or a project?"
     
    #4 Chip, Apr 24, 2020
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  5. Aesthcore

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    He just switched various times today already, between forming perfectly good and coherent sentences to child-like talk.
    And he can be in a good or bad mood for it.
    He only lives with his dad now, but his mother was extremely abusive and manipulative when he was a child. He also has a few brothers, who are all with his mom. His dad isn't abusive, but he is very neglectful. And he used to be made fun of by his own family. Because of those things, he was already more sensitive to comments by family or not.
    He didn't have a very good childhood.

    My great mom went through unspeakable stuff in her childhood, and my brothers and I have always been raised to be resilient and strong.
    I understand that not everyone comes out of something like that stronger for it, and it can definitely cause disorders. Our friends and I always have his back, and whatever decision I make here, I will continue to give him support and encouragement if he allows me and/or continues to take my words to heart.

    I've been trying to help him. I've suggested he move in with his aunt (who we both agree seems like a very genuinely nice person, and she accepts him for everything of who he is), who extended him the offer, but no matter how many times I have tried so hard to convince him, he said he'd give it a shot every time and he never follows through with his word.
    Yet he continues to complain and mention how he's miserable and he freaks out in a depressive episode not long after, and it frustrates me that he won't help himself from the bad home he's in when the opportunity couldn't get any better. And I especially don't like the feeling of dishonesty, lack of communication, and trust due to his failure to keep to his word/promises (this is not the first time he's not kept or has broken his words/promises). Even when he says he does want to get back on his feet, he doesn't do anything about it no matter how much I convince him.

    I know you're right.
    Exactly right... And I love him, I really do. And I would love to spend my life with someone who shares all these wonderful things with me, for the good things we've talked about. I do adore his good parts. But I cannot bring myself to stand the cons, when he is mostly immature or child-like, and irresponsible. It's bringing me to a place of resentment towards him. And I'm hating it. And that's not gonna be healthy for me nor him.

    I'm good at offering support and advice. And I don't mind helping, but this is too much for me when I feel like I'm having to act as a parent, not a partner.
    I want an equal as a partner. And I want a relationship, not a project.
    Someone with a similar maturity and intelligence, and not to care after my own partner like my child.


    The more I think about it, the more I don't want to let go of the good parts. Also, because something in me keeps saying that I should stick around and 'save him'. Keep trying in hopes that one day, the relationship will become equal, and then I can finally enjoy the good parts of him and I together. I don't think holding out for a relationship to turn equal is very good though, is it?

    But I'm having troubles bringing myself to break it off. I just want to be friends with him and leave it at that. But I don't know for sure if he'll even want or allow us to be friends after. And I'm a bit nervous our friends will write me off if I break it off for a second time, for good this time.

    Honestly, the thing I'm most terrified about is hurting him. I don't want to hurt him, or worse.
    What's the best way I can do this?
     
    #5 Aesthcore, Apr 24, 2020
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2020
  6. Chip

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    I think breaking it off is a wise choice (ultimately, for both of you, but I'll get to that in a second.) Honestly, you have a difficult situation. People such as your boyfriend that have a combination of complex traumas and an ongoing environment that is actively making things worse generally have difficulty with boundaries. So your trying to change the boundaries from relationship to friendship will probably not work. He is likely leaning on you for support. But that isn't good for either of you, because you are (indirectly) keeping him from taking the steps to help himself. As long as he has someone to vent to, he will have little incentive to address the core issue.

    Now... onto you: The desire to "save him" is indicative of your own codependency, which is rooted in self-esteem issues. And the challenge with that is... it's not the easiest to work through, and near impossible if you are in a codependent relationship with someone. So it may simply not be possible for you to work on that issue within yourself and also be friends with someone who is going to essentially make that more difficult. I recommend Pia Mellody's excellent book "Facing Codependency" as a good starting place.

    Both of you will hurt from ending this relationship. But it's one of those cases where you have to have the hurt in order for both of you to ultimately get the healing you need. You can't 'save him'. He has to be willing to take the actions himself. At the moment, he isn't willing to, and your attachment to his outcome isn't healthy for him or for you. So that's one of the reasons that ending the relationship (and likely, giving yourselves space from each other for at least a few months) is probably the best choice. Easy? No. Probably one of the hardest things you've done. But probably the best thing you can do.
     
  7. Zombi3

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    I think he may be afraid of a new condition of living, as he's used to the way he is now. That's why he keeps dismissing the opportunity, taking the first step is always difficult. He needs to heal his traumas, this will take patience. I highly doubt he will but I recommend Meditation to him, maybe you give it ago so you understand it, then can you help him move onto it. He needs to observe his own thoughts to be able to understand himself and how he has become who he is.

    I had a complicated childhood myself, Meditation has helped me through it all.
     
  8. mlansing

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    Only you can decide if this relationship is worth preserving or ending, but if you felt consistently happy, secure, and fulfilled in your relationship, the thought of breaking up would probably not seriously cross your mind. Granted, there is no perfect relationship and every relationship will face hardships along the way, but if the cons consistently over a prolonged period of time outweigh the pros, that is something to take into serious consideration as you move forward.

    Ask yourself if you think things could improve or if there are ways you could make things better. If you have doubts about leaving, try everything you possibly can to make it better or more manageable. If you did everything you could but you still don't see improvement, that is valuable information that could help you make a decision.

    When you're in the midst of a relationship it can be extremely difficult to think rationally. My heart goes out to you. Try not to let fear drive your decision. If you do decide to break up, know that break-ups happen all the time and it wouldn't make you a bad or selfish person. I'm wishing you peace and clarity as you sort this out.