1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Depression about my sexuality as I get older....

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Kelseyk92, Jan 13, 2020.

  1. Kelseyk92

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2017
    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    25
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi there, I’m wondering if anyone can relate to me, I used to be so content with my sexuality. I’m 27 and I knew I was a lesbian since I was about 13-14. I’m at a point where everyone around me is having kids and getting married. Obviously I’ve heard of heteronormativity and all of these couples are straight. And I’m wondering is that what life is meant to be? Find a man, fall in love and have his children. But I’m at dilemma where I can’t fathom loving a man or feeling fulfilled by a man but every girl around me has a husband and kids and I’m here, alone. I was kind of seeing a girl who randomly left me and completely started ignoring me but she randomly told me to come to hers and then age told me “I’m unhappy with my boyfriend but we have kids that tie us together, we binded our bodies together and made kids that represent the both of us and will always tie us together. That is true love. I’m not in love with him anymore but we were meant to be together and stay together for the kids, you can’t have that with a partner. How will you find true love?” And since that day it’s messed me up. And she told me that I’m getting on with my life and need to find a man and have kids and she told me that I need to have therapy (pretty sure she meant conversation therapy.) Since that day I’ve not been the same and it’s sparked this depression in me. I used to
    Always think I will find someone and fall
    In love and it will last forever but now I’m
    Questioning it all and thinking every girl will leave me for a man
     
  2. Dreamsexul

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2019
    Messages:
    337
    Likes Received:
    90
    Location:
    Devon, UK
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It sounds like that conversation knocked you for a loop. I'm very sorry to hear that :frowning2:

    But I think what you were told is nonsense.

    It's true, I think, that many people, especially Hetero women, experience a strong desire to procreate and have kids. But not all. And even the desire to have kids doesn't preclude lesbian relationships.

    It's just not true that every woman will choose to be with a man. Plenty of lesbians would outright baulk at that idea. And many bisexuals will be happy to fall in love and have a relationship with another woman.

    As to the idea that you need therapy to change who/what you're attracted to, well I can sympathise with that (I've been told that enough times I need therapy myself). But that's nonsense too. Not only does conversion therapy have a terrible track record (both in terms of failure and harm), but even assuming it did exist - what would be the point if you're happy with what you are and it doesn't cause you any distress?

    Do you fancy women? Do you enjoy liking women? Then why change? Not that's probably possible anyway. But if you are cool with being a lesbian then that person is just insulting you by recommending therapy. What do they think you need curing from? Happiness?

    I hope lesbians here can give you much more insight and encouragement, because I don't really get human sexual /romantic relationships. And I think you need a confidence boost.

    All the best :slight_smile:
     
  3. Kelseyk92

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2017
    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    25
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for your response x
     
    Dreamsexul likes this.
  4. johndeere3020

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    1,104
    Likes Received:
    426
    Location:
    Minnesota
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Whatever you decide, stay away from conversion therapy.
     
    Kyrielles likes this.
  5. LaurenSkye

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2012
    Messages:
    1,167
    Likes Received:
    142
    Location:
    Cincinnati, OH
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    It's possible that that girl you were seeing wasn't really a lesbian, or came to that realization. And her definition of true love sounds insane. Perhaps she is a lesbian who experimented with a guy, got pregnant and now has a kid. You can still fall in love with a woman and adopt a child or use a sperm donor to have a baby. Plus, no matter what society says, it's okay for women (gay or straight) to not have kids or not want to have kids. You need to find whatever makes you happy in life.
     
  6. Lexa

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2017
    Messages:
    474
    Likes Received:
    173
    Location:
    Belgium
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm sorry but that's nonsense. True love = not loving your boyfriend anymore? Your friend has issues herself... She's in a bad relationship and she is convincing herself she's in a good one.

    Love = preferring living together because you lift each other up even though you both have weaknesses... No need to have children at all. And as a lesbian you can still have children.
     
    #6 Lexa, Jan 13, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2020
    Kelseyk92 likes this.
  7. KJmusical

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2019
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    57
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I’m sorry you’ve been having such a difficult time :frowning2: your friends issues are her own and she may be projecting her own situation on to you. Her situation has its own complications and what she’s told you is the story she’s told herself to make peace with her own situation. Whether that story is true or false for her time will tell.
    I can only imagine the pain of watching so many friends start to live through the hetero normative narrative and feeling like you are missing out. But as a married, bi woman I can tell you I’ve had plenty of moments of feeling like I missed out on something to. I think no matter where life takes us there is good and bad, struggles and things that fall into place.
    Maybe it would be helpful to see a therapist...NOT conversion therapy. Just someone to talk through these feelings of loss and sadness and perhaps anger. It doesn’t help solve all the problems, but having a safe place to sort through those things is incredibly helpful. I know it’s helped me, especially in those times where I felt too wrapped up in my own head about something and couldn’t seem to escape that line of thinking.
     
  8. Oliverrrrr

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2019
    Messages:
    97
    Likes Received:
    40
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I have to tell you this: not every girl will leave you for a man.

    You might well feel that because of the connection you had together her words have some validity for you, but allow us to tell you otherwise.

    Those words of hers do not correspond with the experience of any of my lesbian friends from over 35 years of my adult life. And there's a good few data points there.
    You'd be wise to suppose that anything she said at the time was entirely to justify her situation to herself, even if she was referring to you.
    There is nothing to suppose that you can't get back to your happy self after a bit of time to heal.
     
    #8 Oliverrrrr, Jan 26, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2020
    Delphine likes this.
  9. Unsure77

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2019
    Messages:
    589
    Likes Received:
    410
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If making a baby together magically created love between partners, you wouldn't have so much divorce. I know too many people who were forced into marriage BECAUSE they had made a baby in their teens (and inevitably ultimately divorced a few years later, because it was the wrong person) to believe that to be the case. And I know female/female couples who are fantastic mothers and have beautiful families. Therapy's not a bad thing necessarily (if you need it), but to help you learn to ACCEPT yourself and love yourself. Not to attempt to change the unchangeable.
     
    Dreamsexul likes this.
  10. Unsure77

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2019
    Messages:
    589
    Likes Received:
    410
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Also, for the record, one of the female/female couples I know involves a pan woman who left a man she’d had a baby with to ultimately marry a woman. Yes, she’s still tied to that guy in a way because of their shared child. But, her marriage and romantic relationship is with a lesbian. So, essentially the exact opposite of what your friend told you.
     
    Dreamsexul likes this.
  11. Kyrielles

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2017
    Messages:
    613
    Likes Received:
    58
    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sounds like a bunch of religious based rambling to me, I'm guessing religion plays a part or has played a part in her life at some point. And she is obviously very stuck in her beliefs on some level. Personally I would just disregard everything she said or that happened between the two of you. And no. Life for a female isn't suppose to be all hetero houswife with children. Life for women and for men too is meant to be whatever you want it to be in order to be happy, comfortable, and the best person you can be. Your friend sounds negative, definitely toxic, I would avoid her.
    And as for everyone around you being married with children. And being afraid you'll meet a girl and she'll leave you for a guy is just a thought based off your surroundings. Maybe you should just listen to your heart and ultimately do what makes you happy! Eventually you'll find your place and love will find you. Maybe think of your future and consider even eventually living in a more lgbtq friendly area or town. Life is long, anything is possible, and the possibilities are endless!
    Be yourself, don't let others determine that.
     
    Dreamsexul and Oliverrrrr like this.
  12. TheMopPetal2

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2013
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Westminster, CO
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I know this is a late response but I can completely relate and the things you wrote about yourself and your feelings, I share those feelings as well. I’m a 29 year old guy and I’d like to think that I’m bi. I find women physically attractive at times but I find men a lot more attractive and my passion for men is a lot higher than it is for women.

    My dilemma is that I want to have biological kids because there’s just something about passing on your genes and watching that mini-you grow up that appeals to me. My issue is that, because I don’t find women anywhere near as attractive as I find men, I don’t want to get married to a girl and end up being unhappy for the rest of my life. I also wouldn’t want to put my future kids through the drama and stress of divorce. My parents divorced when I was very young and there was a lot of tension between my mom and dad as I got older. It put a lot of stress on me as a kid and teenager and I wouldn’t want to put that kind of stress on my kids. I haven’t come across or dated very many women that I can see myself being happy with for the rest of my life where as the opposite is true with men. In a way, the heterosexual lifestyle appeals to me when I’m out and about and I see a mother and father out enjoying the day with their kids but I just don’t know if that’s for me. When I date guys or develop a crush on a guy, I get this spark or butterflies in my stomach but when I date women or get a crush on a girl I still get a little spark but it’s very dull and almost numb.

    sometimes I feel like I’ll just end up alone with no s/o and no kids and that depresses me. Adoption is something I’ve put a lot of consideration into but to me it’s just not quite the same as raising your own flesh and blood from infant to adult.

    Not quite sure where I’m going with this but it makes me feel better that I’m not the only one with the same feelings and I hope my post finds you comfort too.
     
    #12 TheMopPetal2, Apr 17, 2020
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2020