I'm currently 22 and for years, I have been fighting a deep battle with myself that no one knows about: whether or not I'm gay. Now, I truly hope and believe that I'm not gay, but everyday I get random thoughts saying "You're gay" or "What if I'm gay" or "you're not actually attracted to women". Everytime, I get these thoughts I get incredibly anxious and become hopeless. I start to wonder whether or not the thoughts are true and try to prove to myself that I'm not gay. Sometimes, it works. Sometimes, I'll spontaneously get the thought, "Hey, I'm actually straight" and feel happy about myself. But, most of the time the anxiety always comes back. This takes up my whole existence. Whenever, I see a man and a woman together, I ask myself if the man is more attractive. I always ask myself if I'm attracted to men, and I feel good if the answer is no, but sometimes I get a thought saying "The man is more attractive", then I feel awful. I constantly monitor the sound of my voice to see whether or not it sounds gay. I'm always thinking that people think I'm gay when they're talking to me. Whenever I watch straight porn, I constantly ask myself if I'm more aroused by the man or the woman. My mind also tells me I'm gay because I masturbate to straight porn and not lesbian porn. I currently smoke marijuana sometimes as it used to be my way of relaxing. But now, all it does is give me anxiety. When I watch porn and masturbate while sober, it works out. I still get gay thoughts but I'm not very anxious. However, when I'm high, I get very paranoid. I start to think that I'm gay and that I don't truly like women. I can't focus on the porn and become anxious. Last week, I was masturbating while high and got anxious over the fact that I was taking too long to ejaculate (which I thought meant I was gay), but as soon as the frame in the video moved to showing the man's face and his penis entering the woman's vagina, I came. I feel like this might mean I'm gay, even though when I'm not high I can focus more on the woman, than the man. This whole issue stems from a few facts, I think. From my youth to now, I have always been attracted to women, and I know it. I had crushes on girls as a kid. I remember that I actually got an erection from feeling myself touch a girl in the 2nd grade.When I go to clubs, I like how women feel. I have gotten erections from dancing with women and kissing them. I notice attractive women all the time. However, I still fear that I might be secretly gay in spite of this. When I was kid (5 years old), an older male cousin played with me sexually, multiple times. As I was a kid, I thought this was appropriate to copy, so I experimented with other boys my age. I even actually had sex with a boy when I was 13, (I regret it more than anything in this world). As a teenager, I masturbated to gay porn a lot, but I stopped last year because I got disgusted by it and it made me feel bad doing it. However, I still had crushes on girls. I remember that I actually got an erection from feeling myself touch a girl in the 2nd grade. However, the experimentation and my history masturbating to gay porn have followed me until now (age 22). Even though I masturbate to straight porn now and to women, I fear that because of my previous experiences, I must be gay. My gay thoughts bother me so much. I have avoided having sex with women out the fear that I'll get to bed with a girl and not get an erection or ejaculate and that would mean that I'm gay. I can't even begin to describe how much this bothers me. Last week, I started looking at gay porn pictures to test whether or not, I'm actually gay. The pictures did not arouse me then, and sometimes they even made me laugh because I thought it looked ridiculous (not to sound homophobic). Also, this past week I've been feeling really down and depressed. Last week, I was feeling almost certain that I was straight and I was taking my gay thoughts less seriously. But then my doubts came back. I decided to watch gay porn to see if I would get aroused again. At first, I wasn't aroused at all. Then I spent an hour browsing gay porn pictures to make sure I wasn't gay. I wasn't aroused at all and I even found the pictures funny. However, an hour late I watched another gay porn video, and although I didn't get an erection, I developed some precum. A few days, I was very distressed and decided to test my sexuality by masturbating to a gay porn video. Although I was very afraid and I wasn't fully erect, I ejaculated in under 2 minutes. Then, I felt like I had no attraction to women and it felt like my previous attraction to women was an illusion. A few days later, I decided to watch straight porn again, and I was able to cum focusing on the woman getting her ass eaten by the guy. Later that week, I kept on thinking about women's moans and I would get erect from that. However, I tested myself to gay porn again. At first, I wasn't aroused but after watching gay porn for 10 to 15 minutes, I got aroused and was able to cum. Two weeks ago, I had a dream where I was having gay sex with a man and I woke up with an erection that really distressed. But on the other hand, I had a dream where I was with a girl I dreamed was my girlfriend and I held her tightly and I felt love for her, so I'm still confused. I took the HOCD test at the OCD Center of LA's website and I have been assigned a therapist, who has diagnosed with me OCD. But I'm still not sure if I believe the diagnosis exists. Should I just accept that I'm gay or bisexual, even though I know I can be aroused by women?
HOCD doesn't exist as a standalone diagnosis, but OCD certainly does. Your symptoms are, from what you describe, entirely consistent with OCD, and I see zero indication that you have any actual same sex attraction. Also, for God sakes, quit smoking weed. It's absolutely contributing to the anxiety, which is making the OCD worse.
Hey Chip, thanks for responding. Even with my same sex experimentation and gay porn arousal, it's still OCD? My therapist was telling me the same thing but I found it so hard to believe.
I’ll try my best to make this my last post, but I have to say, I’m still very confused. Last night I had a gay dream, where a man was giving me a blowjob in a bathroom in a very secret and rushed manner. When I woke up, I was erect and developed quite a bit of precum. Now I feel a lot of anxiety. Is this still just OCD?
Sexuality is not about your conscious thoughts and aesthetic evaluations; it's about that feeling "down there", and the feeling most often comes before you even can think of it. If you feel immediate tension "down there" or immediate desire to physically touch when you look at a women, then there is no need to torture yourself with testing your conscious thoughts, otherwise it can become a part of your OCD. Anyway, in the worst case you might be a bisexual, but as long as you are attracted (and I mean - immediately, subconsciously) to women and can fully satisfy your sexual desires with women alone, you can choose to ignore your homosexual attractions, if they make you so nervous.
I decided to watch some gay porn today and I was intensely aroused (at the same time I was quite afraid and I was kind of shaking with anxiety) and I masturbated and finished within 3 minutes. Although I seem to have OCD, all this is shows to me is that I must be gay. My therapist has told me before that this is a type of OCD compulsion, but I was under the impression that people with my OCD were unable to be aroused by gay porn and imagery. I'm not sure whether to continue with treatment or slowly work on accepting my sexuality.
Also to add more detail to my previous reply, the reason why I watched gay porn was to test my attraction and see if I was truly gay. For the past few weeks I've been masturbating to straight porn, but I noticed that there was dull ache in my groin that extended from my penis to my knee. No matter how much I masturbated, the pain never went away and sometimes my orgasms felt unsatisfying. I started to really ruminate about this and came to the conclusion that maybe I had this pain because I wasn't really straight and that masturbating to gay porn would remove the pain, and then show me that I wasn't really straight. However, I have now masturbated to gay porn three times to test my arousal and the pain has not really subsided. Now I'm still confused.
What. You. Are. Describing. Is, Textbook. OCD. You. Cannot. Get. A. Reliable. Sense. Of. Your. Sexuality. Until. You. Get. The. OCD. Under. Control. You. Are. Going. In. Circles. And. Wasting. Peoples. Time.
Ok, I will try my best to stop. I feel like I’m going crazy, especially with this quarantine. The anxiety and the obsessing and the uncertainty is just unbearable. Do you think it’s a good idea for me to stop looking at porn (in general) for a while?
I would stop looking at porn, yes. I would also follow up with your therapist, pronto. The problem is not going to get better until you get help for the obsessive thinking. And I would absolutely give up the weed. Not going to be easy to do, but it is unquestionably making things worse. If you need help with the anxious thoughts, look for some mindfulness-based meditation online and/or some slow breath meditations.
I tried to follow the mindfulness tips and they worked for a bit. Then, I tried to give up porn. It worked for one day. I masturbated to straight porn but I felt very anxious and I couldn't get aroused and I started to freak out. I was very desperate and so I decided to watch gay porn. I was afraid, but got intensely aroused and came within three minutes. Gay porn is now honestly arousing me more than straight porn and I feel like I'll never be able to quit it. I want to believe this is OCD and I do really like women, but right now I feel almost nothing for them. Just last week I was watching a TV show with a naked woman and I got an erection when I saw her, but now I feel nothing when I think about women. How can gay porn turn me on so much if I'm truly straight? Before I decided to masturbate to the gay porn, I actually cried out of anguish. I don't want to watch it, but the fact that I get turned on by it disturbs me. At this point, I just want to give up on the OCD and accept that I'm gay, because I'm so tired of struggling. Can a truly straight man be so aroused by gay porn? Shouldn't porn determine sexuality? Maybe I should accept that I'm bisexual and stick to watching gay porn now, even though I don't want to. I know I've gone in circles and circles and asked you a million questions, but I'm in a very bad place right now. I also know it's not your job to deal with people like me, but I have no one else to turn to. I'll be talking with my therapist next week, but I can't take this anymore.
The weird thing is that I try to make myself continue to keep masturbating to gay porn to see if I'm really gay, but the more I watch gay porn, the weirder it feels. It doesn't feel 'right' to me, or I start to imagine a woman’s moans. I tried watching some gay porn today and at first I was aroused but as I was watching it and trying to masturbate, I lost my boner. I’m so confused.
The more and more I watched it, the less turned on I felt. Their bodies were too hard, muscular and manly. Then I started to think about women and I got more turned on. But then I decided to just stop. I’m really sorry about these posts. I really have a problem that needs to be addressed.
The more and more I watched it, the less turned on I felt. Their bodies were too hard, muscular and manly. Then I started to think about women and I got more turned on. But then I decided to just stop. I really have a problem that needs to be addressed. I don’t mean to be a bother to you guys, it’s just that when my fear grips me, I lose all sense of rationality.
Again, you are talking in circles. You do have a problem that needs to be addressed, but it has nothing to do with your sexual orientation. It's the obsessive thoughts. Call your therapist and tell him or her your situation is out of control and you need help.
