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What’s my label?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Mifora, Apr 8, 2020.

  1. Mifora

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    I have been confused about my sexual orientation since forever and I feel like it’s so hard to figure it out. I feel like no label fits completely. Sometimes I feel like I am bi, sometimes I feel straight and sometimes I think I am a lesbian who is repressing a lot of stuff. I honestly don’t know.

    Most of my sexual fantasies are about me being dominated be a man. It has been that way as long as I can remember. I used to be embarrassed about it but I am not anymore. I try to fantasize about women too from time to time and it’s ok, but it doesn’t come naturally like the other fantasies do.

    I think I am attracted to more parts of women’s bodies than men’s. With men, looking at a penis turns me on, and sometimes I like looking at arms and legs too if they are muscular. With women I like looking at everything, basically.

    Sometimes I see women in real life and get a kind of rush through my body, but it only last for a few seconds, and then it’s totally gone. I always thought it was attraction, but actually it doesn’t make me feel good. It makes me feel uncomfortable, and I have started thinking it might just be anxiety. I really don’t know.

    A few times in my life I have met people who made made my heart beat faster just by looking at them, and in those situations I definitely KNEW it was sexual attraction and I started imagining what it would be like to kiss them and touch them and stuff, but it doesn’t happen often, not even once a year. I have had those feelings for both men and women.

    I often get really turned when people are hitting on me or flirting with me, and I start fantasizing about touching them and kissing them. Doesn’t happen with everyone who shows interest in me, it only happens if there is some aspect of their looks/personality that I like. I have had those feelings for men and women too. But is that genuine attraction or just me reacting to their attraction towards me?

    I have kissed both men and women. It’s fine, I like both, there is not really a difference. I have had sex with men, which can be really good, especially with the domination aspect that I really like. I have never done anything more than making out with a woman, I don’t know it I need to try that before being sure about my orientation.

    So... what am I? And why doesn’t any label feel completely right?
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Would you be happy to go without a label and just follow your attractions?
     
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  3. Mifora

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    I guess so. My issue is that I want to come out to people, but I don’t know what I should come out as. So.. unless people want me to describe my attraction and sexual fantasies in detail (I’m pretty sure that they don’t), I feel like I need a word that feels right. But I get so confused about picking the right word.
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    Could you opt for something less specific than lesbian/straight? Like queer? Or just say that you’re not limiting yourself to one gender?
     
    #4 LostInDaydreams, Apr 13, 2020
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2020
  5. Mifora

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    That’s what I have said to people I have talked to. And I have used the words “fluid sexuality” too. Sometimes I am questioning my attraction to men and sometimes I am questioning my attraction to women and feel like it’s not real. And I know that you can be attracted to more than one gender, by sometimes I feel like am not allowed to feel that way for some reason.

    I have read a lot about compulsory heterosexuality and asked myself if I can relate. And that leads to a lot of rumination about my attraction to men and I never reach a conclusion. It doesn’t feel healthy. I start considering the possibility that all my past feelings for men and relationships have been fake somehow, and that makes me incredibly sad, because they felt valid. So I guess they were. And whenever I have a spontaneous fantasy about a man I know I start asking myself if I forced myself to have it.

    And then I question what I feel about women and ask myself if it’s really just anxiety and not true attraction. Because for some reason I still feel like all of those feelings can’t be real, that I have to chose. But I can’t
     
  6. ellief

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    girl you just explained my exact situation like i am so confused. i understand this struggle. labels suck and i hate them so much, and if you feel you don't need a label, fuck the labels. just be known for you. i get the coming out part though. i mean i just kinda said im not only into men/ i have my options open or something like that
     
  7. xenu

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    I definitely relate to this. I tend to cycle back and forth, with each iteration lasting a few years. For awhile I will be really interested in guys, then flip back to women, and so forth. When one is strong, I wonder how I ever felt other way, and at the end of each time, I tend to feel really guilty about the previous one. At this point in my life, I think of myself as being sexually fluid as well, or some variation of bisexual.
     
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  8. LostInDaydreams

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    Have you considered exploring this with a therapist?
     
  9. LJKyber

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    From the sounds of it, what you're experiencing with women is both attraction and anxiety. Obviously I can't tell you why it would cause you anxiety to be attracted to women, but that's what it sounds like. As for the thing about reacting to other people's attraction to you, if it turns you on, then chances are it's you being attracted to them as opposed to just reacting to their attraction. Also, you don't need to try stuff with women to know that you're interested in them, despite what people may tell you. That's often used as an argument against people questioning their sexuality ("How you do know you like girls? You've never been with one!" kind of thing).

    The conclusion I would make from what you've said is that you're either bisexual or pansexual, but that you may need to work through the anxiety before you can accept that. However, I'm not an expert or a therapist - nor am I you. The only person who can tell you who you are is you. In the meantime, I feel like 'queer' would work for you if you really need a label.
     
  10. Sparky2002

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    Well, I would say for me labels sort of help me feel more normal and like more poeple were in the same situation, but I know it's different for everyone. You might be bisexual or pansexual if you like both genders, but you are the only one who can tell your sexuality
     
  11. BerryFun

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    I know exactly how you feel. I’ve had this problem for about 10 years until one day I learned of the term “butch lesbian”. I really didn’t understand what the term ment so I googled it up and saw a picture of Ruby Rose and I was like oh my god. After some more digging that’s when I realized I had a masculine preference for women. I already knew I had a feminine preference for men a long time ago. It’s sort of like this. For example you like people with brown hair but not people with blonde hair. Everyone is different so don’t rush it if you’re still deciding how you feel. Maybe this will help you decide.
    As far as attraction and people coming up to you in social settings, imagine the person that came up to you. Do you think if you saw that person sitting across at a bar you’ll be like oh my gosh I want to talk to them, I like them! Or are you like, I probably wouldn’t seek them out. That’ll probably give you your answer.
    I hope I was able to help you a little bit. If you want to talk you can always message me. :slight_smile: