Okay here's the thing: a close friend of mine confessed to me a couple of weeks ago that she was in love with me. We talked it out, and seemed to be both on the same page, and things have been mostly fine since. Except that every once in a while, she says something offhand that seems targeted. For example, today I was talking about someone I'd initially had a crush on in one of my classes but later ended up just being friends with, and she started telling me that the best relationships are ones that begin as friendships. I shut that down, but felt like a huge asshole. I've never been in a real relationship, and I'm very afraid of losing someone important to me, so I'd prefer to date casually. She is very against casual dating, and discourages me from doing it. I'm setting up a dating profile anyway, and every time I get a notification from her I feel like a huge scumbag. I'd really like to have her support in all of this, but also it's super important to me to protect her feelings. I don't know what to do.
What defines a friendship? The closer we look for the answer, the more elusive it becomes. What we can usually agree on is that, once established, both parties know more or less where the boundaries are. However this friendship of yours started, your friend has at some point felt a spark that has let her know love wants to start. That is a wonderful thing - unless the feelings are not returned. At this point, all of her interactions with you only serve remind her of what’s possible “if only” you felt could feel same. In fact it makes no sense to her that you don’t feel the same and that can be very, very frustrating as she tries to find a way to move forward with these feelings. You, on the other hand, are filled with conflicting emotions. You are angry with her for moving the terms of the friendship and by so doing, putting it at risk. You also feel guilty for reacting to this frustration and hurting her in the process. You feel terrible for breaking your commitment to her as a friend to never let any harm come to her and especially for being the one that causes that harm. It’s important to keep this situation in perspective. It truly isn’t anyone’s fault that this happened, it just did. In your role, there is very little you can do but be patient. Hold steadfast to the original terms of the friendship and wait for her to come back around to them. Try not to hurt her again, of course, but also don’t give into her. Her role is to find a way to retreat from from these feelings of love and return to the friendship on its original terms. Some people can do this and some cannot. For some, the only option is to end the friendship and move on. But one thing that is certain is that you cannot force her to go back to the old friendship. That is something she has to do entirely on her own. So how long should you give her to find a way back to the friendship? Look for signs of progress. It’s natural and forgivable for her to make mistakes with you, even huge ones. But at the same time you should be able to witness her getting better over time. It’s wise to not talk to her about her mistakes when you are both emotional, wait until you have both had time to sleep on it and then tell her that her calmly that the behavior isn’t acceptable. If she can retreat from these feelings you should see some improvement almost immediately but if she doesn’t improve or becomes even worse, well, that’s a bad sign and you may end up needing to stop seeing each other for a while. Good luck, I wish you both the best.
