1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Im 14 and not sure if im gay

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Anonymou16, Mar 26, 2020.

  1. Anonymou16

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2020
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I am 14 and have always liked Girls, i have watched porn for about 4 years and it has always been straight porn. I currently have a crush on a girl in my year but i cant get erections over straight porn any more (Maybe ive watched too much) so i tried gay porn because ive been thinking because of the erection problem i might be gay. I got an erection veru quickly whilst watching it and got wxcited just like i used to whilst watching straight porn. I used to get an erection straight away over straight porn but not now. I like girls and dont really find boys attractive but im not sure waht i am. What should i do and what am i?
     
  2. Josh10

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2020
    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    If your not attracted to boys then your probably not gay. Just don't worry about it I think.
     
  3. Nihilumbra

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2018
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Bern
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hello anonymou16,
    Sadly, I can’t tell you what you are or what you should do but I can tell you that it is totally normal to question yourself.
    In my opinion, from what you’re saying I wouldn’t worry too much over it. But if I were you, I would take this opportunity to learn more about myself and my sexuality (whether it be gay, straight or something in between). You are the only one who can ultimately say who you are!
    But to put your mind at ease (while not encouraging you to dismiss an opportunity of self-discovery), there is such a thing as arousal non-concordance. There is an excellent ted talk video on the subject and I really recommend it.
    Here is the link: https://www.ted.com/talks/emily_nagoski_the_truth_about_unwanted_arousal/up-next
    Good luck
     
  4. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It's way too simplistic to state that you're not gay because you aren't aware of attraction to guys. But it's also not reasonable to say you're gay because gay porn is getting you aroused.

    As you surmise, porn is a powerful stimulus, not unlike drugs of abuse, and over time you develop tolerance to porn, just as one does to drugs of abuse... you need more (in this case, different stimuli, more extreme, etc.) And for someone who is just in mid-puberty, this isn't a particularly good thing.

    Also, porn isn't a reliable indicator of sexual attraction, simply because it is engineered to arouse you, and at your age, with your hormones, almost anything can be arousing.

    So... my first suggestion (which you may not like so much) is to give up porn completely for a month or two. Masturbate using fantasies you create in your mind. You'll probalby find that this is difficult, and you may have trouble getting aroused or reaching orgasm for the first few days. But if you stick with it for a week, or two at the outset, what you'll find is your body will reset and you'll be able to be aroused by fantasy. This will actually come in really useful when you start having sex with someone, as you don't want to have to be watching porn in order to get hard when being with a partner... and increasingly, that's what we are seeing in a lot of teens and young adults.

    Now... assuming you're willing to make that sacrifice, once your body readjusts, you can experiment. Think about guys during one session, then think about girls the next. Think about different aspects of guys, about what you might imagine happening between you and another guy. And then do the same thing thinking about a girl. Usually, it's a pretty obvious difference in arousal that comes depending on the fantasy. And this is different than watching porn, because the stimulus is coming from your unconscious, which is where your hardwired orientation lies.

    The reason why the simple idea that "I like girls and don't find guys attractive" isn't necessarily reliable gets to where our conscious and unconscious minds can disagree with each other. Society still sends the message through media, religious ignorance, and bigotry, that being gay isn't ok. So when anyone first considers the idea they might be gay, there's nearly always some sort of negative message that pops up. "I'll get made fun of"... "My parents won't like it"... "I want a wife and kids"... "it's gross to stick my dick in some guy's ass". All of these are messages that are, for most people, the first things that come to mind when they think of being gay. So your conscious mind has a powerful reason to *not* want to be gay, and this is where denial comes in.

    When we first confront a loss (in this case, loss of perception of being straight), we go through stages in processing it: denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance. The stages aren't always sequential, and can take anywhere from 5 minutes to years to work through. So I'm not saying you are gay here, but what I'm saying is, you could quite possibly be gay, and your conscious mind is rejecting that idea (denial).

    You seem to have a pretty open mind about it, but at the same time, I suspect if you could open an envelope that would definitively tell you if you're gay, and it said you were, it would probably be terrifying and upsetting. That's normal. And that's why the denial is there.

    But... it is also possible that what we're dealing with is porn sensitivity. The real question will be answered when you give up the porn, your masturbation habits with fantasy normalize, and you test out different fantasies. The good news is, there's no rush. You can take your time, explore different feelings, even (when you feel you are ready and it's appropriate) experiment sexually with others.

    I would encourage you to spend time with yourself and explore your feelings and try to get a good idea of what's going on before you start becoming sexually active with others. There are advantages to waiting a bit, and again, there's no rush.

    If you decide to do the above, and check back in after you've done it for a bit, we can probably give you more meaningful feedback.
     
    Lek likes this.
  5. Anonymou16

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2020
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thankyou for the advice
     
  6. Anonymou16

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2020
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Also i dont think im gay and like girls more than boys, i think they look nicer and i can see myself having a girlfriend and not a boyfriend
     
  7. Kevins1197

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2019
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    86
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    That’s the same way I was at your age but as I’ve gotten older I’ve become more comfortable with my attraction to other boys or at least more willing to acknowledge it. So just do what feels right to you.