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How to deal with a parent I don't get on with during Coronavirus lockdown?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Joe2001, Mar 27, 2020.

  1. Joe2001

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    Lockdown sucks, but if I'm being honest, I would probably manage fine if I was living alone or with people that I really get on with. Not the case sadly. I dreaded the idea of being stuck in the house with my father and things have gone just as badly as predicted.

    He's one of those types who never apologizes if he's in the wrong. He speaks to me like a child and loves to walk into my room without knocking several times per day for no reason (major pet peeve). I live my life scared of getting on his wrong side, which is why I studied certain subjects I hated at school, begrudgingly went to university before I was ready and never argue back - instead usually go off and cry in a corner (happened many times in the past several years).

    Was watching a movie with the family tonight, he wouldn't shut up the entire time but when my sister made a joke that I laughed at, he flipped out, stopped the movie and threw us out the room - according to him, we 'have nothing about us' (which is an outright lie, he barely knows who I truly am as I suppress my true self around him). Should also mention that this movie (1983's Trading Places) contained homophobic slurs and he laughed loudly each time they were said. He uses homophobic terms all the time himself and tends to pass it off as humour/banter.

    I'm at breaking point and whilst I've rarely, if ever, argued back, I feel a full fallout is definitely coming. Trouble is that I can't go anywhere and we're stuck living together. Some could argue that it's a teenage phase but I've seldom had problems with my mother or any other close relative in that time whereas it's been a rocky road with him for around 7 years - things seemed to really change when I went to high school, started getting real difficult when it came to things like grades (failure was always me being 'lazy' rather than making mistakes) and was also very harsh to me when I was trying to dump an abusive friend and painted me to be the bad guy when he'd never even met this person. I was 12 and my own father didn't bother to stick up for me or at least help to resolve the situation. That day, I realised something was amiss between us.

    I recognise that I'm far from perfect and probably play a part in this in one way or another, but my sister does feel the same about him, she's just more willing to bite back whereas I'm more afraid of his reaction and tend to keep quiet.

    I've thought for a while if he'll be in my life this time in 10 years - if I was in a relationship with someone of his personality, I would have called it quits ages ago. I do genuinely love my mother, but it does also feel that being around her means a side order of him whether I like it or not. I've noticed that she's never really put him in his place when he's been out of order (like with the homophobic and racist slurs, she just lets him say whatever he wants even if she never uses them herself and doesn't seem to agree with his views).

    I could go on for hours about my issues here but I'm on several paragraphs now so I'll draw this to a close.

    So, short term, how do I deal with him for however long this lockdown lasts? Long-term, what should I do? I'm financially dependent but I may reconsider that if things get worse during the lockdown.
     
    #1 Joe2001, Mar 27, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2020
  2. Destin

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    Short-term, all you can really do is ignore him. Long-term, try to get a job and move out to live with roommates or something while you go to school since that's clearly not a healthy environment for you.

    Your dad just sounds like an asshole man, nothing is going to change him unfortunately. The walking into your room all the time for no reason is a power thing, he just likes you knowing he can interrupt you at any time and catch you doing something you weren't supposed to be. My mom does that too.
     
  3. Really

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    That is so hard. It sounds like you’ve tried a number of approaches to no avail. I wonder if you might try a different tack. You don’t get along but are stuck together for the foreseeable future not unlike coworkers so how about approaching him as an equal in a way he can’t ignore.

    Ask to speak to him privately. In a calm, controlled manner, tell him you’d like to improve the situation between you two because you aren’t happy. Ask him if he’s happy about things. He may not be able to verbalize an answer but hopefully it will give him something to think about. Don’t worry if he can answer it for now. Ask him what you can do to make things better. Tell him you’ll truly try but if he could please ease up on the hurtful things he says while you’re all stuck together. It could open up a dialogue about boundaries. Yours and his.

    Perhaps this attempt to “short-circuit” the current dynamic might shock him into changing his ways. A bit? :fingers_crossed:
    Good luck.
     
  4. Joe2001

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    He now seems to be doing the silent treatment. Do whatever you want I guess.
     
  5. Joe2001

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    I'd figured it probably was a power related thing. He does seem to love the whole idea of having power over me, after all, I usually wonder if he forgets that I'm 18 not 8 by the way he speaks.

    If it wasn't for the economy tanking as a result of COVID, I was planning to move out for the next year of uni. Not sure whether that's going to happen at the moment.
     
  6. Joe2001

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    He'll never change, easily the most stubborn person ever - never apologies and fully believes that he's always right. I know exactly how this dialogue will go, it will likely lead to him going on a rant about all of my failings within a few minutes.
     
  7. Really

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    Ugh. I’m so sorry. In that case, could you ask him how he suggests you go about fixing any of your failings in the current situation? Because you’re all stuck together and his current criticism isn’t helping anything. If he can’t specify, ask him to give you a break. As soon as you can, you’ll be out of his hair.
     
    Mirko likes this.
  8. Young Blood

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    Damn, I had flash backs while reading this of when I lived with my stepmother. I would have HATED to have been living with her during all this....
    I’m really sorry that you have to be going through this. Truly I am. It is absolutely awful to have to live like that. However, as you are financially dependent and because this is a very delicate time, unfortunately the best thing you can do is to try to ignore him the best you can and to continue trying to keep him at bay.

    As others have mentioned, try your best to have things in place for the long term. If it really gets out of hand, then maybe it will be time for you to branch out on your own. It will be fairly difficult at the beginning, and I’m hoping you will still have support. But try to have as much prepared before hand as possible. Do your research and try to save as much money as you can. Obviously if you have a job, that’s even better. These things will save you so much time and headache later.
    I really hope things will be ok for you. And I’m hoping this will be over soon. Good luck OP :heart:
     
  9. johndeere3020

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    Hey Joe, Talk about a trigger when I read your post. My advice is just to grin and bear him as long as this covid ordeal lasts. I know it sucks but it will not last forever and this is just a pin prick on the line that represents your life. Some people can work on changing their behavior but my father never did and it sounds like yours is the same.

    Hang in there, this will end. You will find freedom soon. Come to EC, write your feelings, everyday if you need to, it will help. Most of all, don't loose the spark that is inside of you, be safe, play along, but keep the fire burning! Every time he tries to trigger you just smile on the inside and think, how damaged are you? Make sure during your journey thru life that you are a better person than he!

    PS, at least you have a door on your room.....

    Dean