Hey, I haven't been on this forum in like years maybe. But I thought I'd come back because a problem and it's driving me insane. I'm a virgin. That's the problem. I don't know when it started but I wasn't always like this. There was a time not too long ago where I didn't really care. If it happened, it happened. I wasn't putting any pressure on myself. But something changed maybe a year ago. I transferred to a different college and I don't know why I started really, really wanting a relationship and sex. Like desperately. I guess it was seeing everyone all coupled up around school. I had a chance to have sex when I was like 16 or 17 but I didn't because it just felt wrong. I don' think I was ready. I think I did the right thing but I also regret because I haven't had a chance since. People have like hit on me or have been attracted to me since then but it's never gone that far. I'm 22 now and it still hasn't happened. Granted, I haven't really tired to approach anyone because I have pretty low self esteem. I figure no one will be interested in me anyway so I don't try. I tired here and there but they're few and far between. I'm writing this here because I need help. It's starting to get to the point where it's becoming an obsession. So much so that I'm considering maybe paying a sex worker just so I can get it over with. I have a therapist but I haven't been in a while. I think virginity is a construct so I don't have a problem with hiring a sex worker, like I think it would still "count." But I don't feel good about it either. I don't know if it's because subconsciously I think it doesn't count or if it's because I don't wanna have sex with someone I don't know. That's the reason I even approached the girl I did when I was 16, I knew her and I was comfortable with the idea of having sex with her. She wanted more so nothing happened, but I digress, I just want this obsession to stop. I want to chill and enjoy without having to worry about sex 24/7. Can anyone help? Thank you.
I would advise against sex workers. Outside of my own personal thoughts regarding paying for someone’s body, I don’t think having sex once with a sex worker will solve your issue. Losing my virginity (both with men and women) didn’t change me or how people perceive me. if you want to hook up, plenty of dating apps will provide you with lots of people looking for the same thing. If you want a deeper connection, why not take steps to start dating and see where it takes you?
I've done some dating in the past year or so. I met someone around this time last year that I liked a lot. I approached her hoping to date her but we ended up just being friends. It's a long short story but it was year full of denial, heartache, and falling in love (on my side). We're still friends but yeah don't ever wanna go through that again. I've met a few people irl and online during that time but nothing really worked out. I've really only started taking dating serious since maybe last January or so. I've talked to some people on ###### (made a really good friends there funny enough) but nothing's ever clicked. Well that's not totally true. I just stopped talking to this girl I matched with there. She was pretty cool, cute, and was interested in me. But said some dumb things because I couldn't figure out if I just wanted to hook up or wanted something more serious. She stopped talking to me and I apologized. We talked for a few more weeks but she had some personal stuff going on and it didn't work. This all happened maybe a week or so ago. Things like that keep happening and it makes me feel like maybe I'm just not supposed to date. Like maybe it's just not my time right now, or maybe it'll never be. I try to not think like that cause of course there's more fish in the sea or whatever you wanna say, but it still fucks with my self worth. I also felt like I was using her to validate myself. Not good. I rarely talk to people irl because again, my self esteem isn't great. I figure they won't want me in that way so I just don't try. I've caught girls looking at me outta the corner of my eye, but I'm so use to being picked on that I figure they're talking about me. Oh and I try to use ###### hook-ups. I recently deleted the app from my phone because I felt like I was getting too obsessed. I also felt like I was using to validate myself rather than having fun trying to date people. My friends have suggested that I focus on myself but that's very hard to do lol Oh, what exactly would those steps be btw
Okay, I'm definitely not a therapist or a master at analyzing things like this, but my stab in the dark is that I don't think having sex is the issue, I think it's more of a general intimacy thing. You've talked a lot about dating struggles, and when you're having issues like that, latching onto virginity makes sense to me. So while I support sex workers and respect that industry, I don't think it's going to give you what you really want, and you probably won't feel great afterward. I think it would do more harm than good. That being said, I don't have a ton of advice on how to move past that hurdle. As always, I preach the "love yourself before you love someone else!" and the whole self-confidence thing, but that's easier said than done. I'd say try and look at your dating history more positively to start. Just because things didn't always work out doesn't mean it was on you. It really helps to think "Whoa, this person started talking to me just because they saw me and thought I was cool! That must mean I'm pretty cool!". An example for me was when I was 16 and went on some dates with a guy I met on a cruise ship (long story). It ended up being a disaster, but I got a major confidence boost from the fact that someone was super duper into me, even after meeting just once before. With regards to the sex thing, I guess you just have to remember that losing your virginity won't be the be-all-end-all. Sex can bring out a lot of unexpected stuff. Spoiler: Bit of a TMI that I'll put in a spoiler just in case I'm one of those people who did it once years ago, and part of my reasoning was that it was "about time I did it" (I was 20). While it was a fun feeling of victory for about a month, my partner at the time ended up warping some stuff about it, and made me feel incredibly guilty for the rest of our relationship. Like, brought religion into it and everything. And I had felt confident about it!! My experience got ruined months after it happened! I'm still dealing with some confidence issues since. So you really have to know yourself and what your comfort level is going to be before you go into it. It takes a lot of self-analyzing, but you'll leave yourself in a much better spot when you start. It's hard to go it alone, but you have to remember that what is current is not forever. It might seem like you're running out of time, but you're not; everyone dates at a different pace. At 22, I know plenty of people who have never even dated one person. It'll come, it'll happen, you won't know when, so the best you can do is take care of yourself in meantime. I've ranted long enough, it's late where I'm at. You're definitely not alone in your experience.
Thank you for replying. Your message was very comforting. I am also starting to think this is less of a sex or virginity, and more of a intimacy thing, like you said. I think I want that feeling. That feeling of being close to someone and caring for them and them caring for you. I actually kinda have a story like your cruise ship one. It's about the girl that I met on ###### that I'm friends with now. When I met her, I was still dealing with falling in love and then having a falling out with my previous friend. My feelings and emotions were a mess. ###### girl, C, we'll call her that. When I started talking to C, I felt that she might've been into me like romantically but because of everything that had happened I didn't say anything to her. I didn't want to use her to try and get over this other girl. C would text me like constantly and ask what I was doing, She was so interested in everything I did. She's still like that. I'll admit that I definitely had feelings for C when we first talking. I still might, I'm not sure. But anyway, a few months ago I asked C if she had any feelings for me when first started talking to me and she said yes but not anymore. She said we had a lot in common and was curious, in a what-if sorta way. But she said she never brought it up cause she's not looking for a boyfriend. I'll be honest, that hurt. It was like I finally had someone that I could've seen myself dating seriously but now I don't. I realize that based on what I've written it sounds like I'm in love with C or crushing at the very least, but I don't feel that i am. I mean we talk like everyday so it's possible that feelings could deeper but I hope not. I don' think I could deal with pain like that again. This is a lot so I'll stop now lol
Aw, that sucks about C. I can totally understand why you'd feel that way, but that's totally not on you. If anything, that's 100% on her. There was nothing you said or did that changed her feelings, that was just her. And it sounds like she still thinks you're a good person, considering you guys still talk. Whether or not you have a crush on her, I can understand being hurt by the statement though. I don't know how else to help besides just reiterate that it wasn't anything wrong with you. I'm a classic case of touch-starved gay who also hasn't felt emotionally ready for a relationship for a while. Got broken up with in JUNE for God's sake and have only recently felt okay enough to be willing to put myself back out there. That combination sucks. I usually try not to say "I know how you feel" to things because I'm not a mind reader, but damn that's a feeling I understand. It takes a lot of ranting to friends, distractions, and self-care/discovery to get yourself to a better spot. It's not the end of the world, I think deep down I know that I have the potential to date someone and make her really really happy, and find that happy ending I want. But I can also admit that the meantime sucks! You can be optimistic while still acknowledging that the current situation sucks! Also fun little tidbit but the cruise ship story was a big part of my sexual identity realization. I couldn't figure out why the connection to the guy was so... off... until he tried to kiss me full open-mouth. He went in like a mudskipper, and I internally went "Oh. So I am a lesbian." First and last kiss with a guy lol.
Yeah I'm just kinda tired of being just seen as just a friend. I appreciate my friends, I do, but it'd nice if someone was interested in me. I know I have good qualities but I don't know how to show those off to someone. And since this whole dating thing isn't even really up to, how do I know anything is even gonna happen? Like I could everything right and they might still not be interested. That's a very scary thought.
