Over the past few years I have noticed a gradual decline in guys that I “lust” after. At the same time, my overall sex drive seems to be gradually diminishing just the same with a bit of an acceleration in recent months. When I began to embrace my sexuality about eight years ago I went through multiple adolescent phases and was both extremely physically active (I definitely had numerous slut phases) and attracted to a plethora of guys. Fast forward, I am in what seems to be a level, stable and mutually loving relationship. I am approaching 50 this year. I get regular annual physicals and after talking to my doctor during my most recent exam he had me tested and I was found to have normal testosterone levels. I work out regularly (aside from all the gyms now closed) and have a relatively active lifestyle (I should mention that I often do see a temporary spike in my testosterone and sex drive after working out and maintaining an erection when I am excited is not a problem for me). While I am feeling the same stresses as everyone else during the coronavirus crisis, my lowered sex drive began some time in advance of current events. So, although the current stresses are no doubt contributing I do not believe they are the primary cause. I spoke to my boyfriend about this over the past week or so. He himself has naturally had a lower sex drive than me. He seems relieved that he does not need to work as hard as when we first started dating on and off almost two years ago. While he has never complained as my sex drive he has been opened minded to try new things and experiences for my satisfaction, but that has not amounted to much. Today I am not a heavy drinker, nor do I smoke. In the past I did drink heavier and did use in light moderation other social substances; but again for the most part thats all in the past.. Based on prior relationships I have no desire to explore the idea of opening up our relationship. I thought about this while debating internally if the issue I am having is my attraction to my boyfriend, but for anyone that meets him it’s clear thats not the case. We have also discussed the idea openly and honestly for which we both seem to agree to opening the relationship is not something for us. Finally, I don’t find porn enjoyable anymore and often get more satisfaction simply fantasizing; although I am very limited on what turns me on these days. Emotionally I have the typical life ups and downs as others, I don’t feel inherently depressed (just a bit stressed from the recent global virus events), so I am concluding that I more likely than not have simply past my prime sexually active years. I don’t want this to be the case, especially at 50, but it seems to be the logical conclusion I am coming to. In speaking with friends of similar age they some seem to be gong through similar experiences. That said, I a curious as to others experiences or if I am missing something in my thought process.
I have thought about the subject matter in your post quite a bit. I don't have a boyfriend yet, but now of all things, want one. (this is progress by the way because I've never told myself this before.) I've reflected on what it would be like to have a boy friend. We would both travel and get into mischief. Sneak down to a remote jungle beach cove and make out. Try new foods in what ever country we happened to be in. At home base I would do my thing, he his and we would do "our together things" together. I'd like to host dinner parties, inviting a great mix of people. I'm going to suggest the following book to you @OnTheHighway Why? Because the book tells about taking human intimacy to a neat new level. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shibumi_(novel)
I have seen less emphasis on sex or talking about a lower sex drive in a good number of friends as they get older. In their first decade of acting on their sexual impulses, it seemed to drive them. After that, it has been a slow taper. It's probably that most people front load their sexual experiences and then sort of settle in - either to one person or hanging out on their own, but with fewer partners. When you talk to people about sex, it seems the sexual experiences they recount come from their 20s and 30s, and not from middle age or beyond. This appears to be the course of nature. I think back at how I felt and how I acted at times and feel like it won't be like that again. Since other people I know seem to be thinking and feeling the same things, I don't give it that much thought.
I am quite content snuggling at night in bed with my boyfriend and sleeping close to each other. I am not driven to anything more than that. If something happens then it happens, but I don’t pre plan it nor dwell on it. As a later in lifer, my sexual gay exploration occurred both at a young age, and in middle age; it was put on pause for 20 years in between. But what your saying rings true. It just doesn’t to seem to be a priority any more. I have a friend that studies animal behavior, he tells me what I am experiencing is the natural order of Mother Nature. I would have expected this maybe ten years from now, not as I am approaching 50. Another friend of mine that is just a few years older than me Also suggested his experience is similar. He and his partner however are open so that his partner can still be satisfied when needed. I also think part of what I am experiencing has in part to do with all the sexual exploration I did do after embracing my sexuality. I had a need to put my finger in the fire and try “everything” so to speak. And thats what I set out to do. Now that I have done so, I do not feel as if I have any new challenges or experiences needing satisfied. I guess this is the new norm.
So long as your ok with sand getting into awkward places! Public sex used to be a huge one for me. Whether on the side of a hiking trail, in a conference center bathroom, in a pool during a nighttime swim, the list goes on and on. The adrenaline rush was massive. I loved that adrenaline rush when I used to get it. But now I don’t get them anymore. Everything your also thinking about is part of the post coming out process. Enjoy it! Make the most of it! And get going!!!!!!! I thought the adrenaline rush would go on forever, I guess I was wrong. Lol
I'm 55 and just came out last year. I have never had a boyfriend, but I do want one! I have been in love with another guy for a little over a year's time, although it's been from a distance and we've been acquainted but nothing else. I can definitely relate to the drop in lust. Well, I still look at porn and get off that way. But -- and particularly in the case of this one guy I have my eye on -- I would be absolutely in heaven to just cuddle with him. Actual sex with him is barely on the radar. I think just the "soft" physical contact and the emotional intimacy are what light my fire now.
I miss the feeling of very hot, passionate, uninhibited sex. When I had it, it was such a rush. A friend of mine text me very recently. When I was single he and I used to have that type of FWB sex. Of course he was reaching out to me because he didn’t know I was partnered and wanted to get together. But I simply had no interest whatsoever; as I should not have any interest with another guy given I now do have a boyfriend in a monogamous relationship. But when I was in a prior open relationship the lust would have been there fo this guy or a similarly situated guy. I am beginning to wonder if my lack of the need for validation at this point has created a void in my sex drive. Where previously I searched out sex to make myself feel good I no longer have such a need. This morning my boyfriend and I played around when we woke up. He was able to finish, I wasn’t. We talked about it again. I wondered yet again if the issue was the sexual chemistry between us, but then yet again as I have been thinking about how my sex drive has evolved over the past year and the people I was with when I was single, it leads me to believe this just where I am at. Every night we snuggle close to each other, that is what feels great to me.
The need for Validation was very strong at the time following acceptance of my sexuality when I had low self esteem, self respect, self worth and didn’t love myself. At the time I did not even realize I was without confidence. Unknowingly, I used sex as a form of Validation. I had sex frequently and with many people for quite some time following acceptance of my sexuality. I realized there we a direct connection when I had sex and feeling validated. I felt wanted. I needed to feel wanted. I love whom I am today, I have people around me that love me (both my boyfriend and surrogate family). My confidence has since been enhanced. There are days where I take some steps back (with recent virus events the stress alone can be tiresome). But today with the love I feel for myself first and foremost I simply no longer feel the need to seek out validation. All of this evolution doesn’t mean I do not enjoy sex, I just think I have now put it in the right place.
very interesting read. I can relate to the validation aspect. I feel we crave validation in different ways, some through sex. For some years after I accepted myself I had the desire to feel wanted, for guys to notice me and flirt with me. there would be at least a dozen or so guys in the gym who would flirt with me. I didn't care what their sexuality was. I never let it get past that point but it used to be a craving. But more recently I noticed that I am not seeking out such behaviour to the same extent as before. Occasionally of course it feels good. there is a confidence within me and I guess as you said it comes with self love and self belief.
Hey OTH, I'm wondering what this means? It's been my experience that BF sex is hot, much more so than sex with strangers. You seem to have some doubt?
Good question. Thinking through your question as I type...... Sex with my boyfriend is hot. He is open minded like me, willing to try new things, passionate and sex positive. In fact, even now we experiment in ways that neither of us have experimented before. Such experimentation would have also historically lead to the type of hot, passionate, uninhibited sex I was referring to above (I don’t want to be too descriptive here, but its definitely NSFW type activities). But the meaning behind the sex is different and the feelings during the sex are different as well. So whats the missing ingredient/s and/or differences? First, there is no unnecessary risks involved where I no longer am intentionally putting myself into adrenaline enhancing risky situations. Second, I am not being selfish to fulfill a personal need for validation. Third, my boyfriend and I have sex to maintain and enhance the strong bond between us rather than just satisfy sexual or lustful cravings. The sex is about each one of us, not only about me. Finally, I am not interested in having sex with anyone else. Previously, I was a very selfish lover. Even in my boyfriend and my prior relationship together (we were together over a year ago for a brief period then broke it off for a period time as I needed a relationship with myself for a bit to figure things out which I have previously written about). Now, I am not only having sex for my own satisfaction but for his satisfaction as well. And since I am not being selfish about sex, I am happy to have sex when and how he wants to have sex; and he is willing to do the same for me. Today, I have sex probably a minimum of once a week with him whereas before I would often have sex daily (with prior partners or complete strangers). I have a different mindset when it comes to sex today than I did previously. Now, none of what I am writing is set in stone. Stresses from the recent global crisis seem to be increasing the physical activity between us at the moment, but again this for both of our satisfaction not just one person in particular.
Based on what you wrote, it seems that you do have a hot, passionate, and most importantly healthy sex life with your BF. The missing ingredients/differences are what some would consider unhealthy (unnecessary risks, adrenaline enhancing risky situations, need for validation, being selfish in bed, etc.) and while these were part of your journey, they are no longer needed and can be jettisoned.
I agree I am in a much better place today than I was after embracing my sexuality. I was not suggesting where I have evolved is not healthy; more so, with this thread I have be reaffirming for myself how my journey has progressed positively in regards to building self respect with the consequence of a reduced sex drive. But as you articulate, what is a reduced sex drive to me might very well be normal in comparison. And just to be clear, When I referred to “adrenaline enhancing”, it relates to the type of physical activities I participated in (playing out fetishes, pushing my sexual boundaries, etc). Such activities did not include hard core artificial adrenaline enhancing substances or anything like that.
Whether you're later in life or earlier in life, are you thinking less about sex with the health pandemic out there? I am not thinking much about sex these days at all.
There are stay at home orders where I am. I think about EVERYTHING with all the time I have at the moment. Also, my BF is staying with me during this crisis. Mostly we keep each other occupied debating what the next meal will be, and we have maintained some semblance of our intimacy routine for the most part. I, like everyone else, probably have other more pressing concerns we are all thinking about at the moment and the anxiety from those concerns have been taking priority.
It’s funny you mention discussion of the next meal, because that’s become the focus for my fiancé and me during distancing. While we have also maintained our typical intimacy schedule (2-3 nights a week, 1-2 mornings), we jump a lot more quickly from climax to “let’s eat,” which has thrown us off efforts to lose the bellies we’ve put on since moving in together.
