Let's try this again. Hi all, I recently realized I'm a lesbian. I'm married, we have a child that's almost 2. We've been together for 5 years. I have to tell him, I know, but I don't think he will believe me. I also love him and don't want to hurt him, or hurt our relationship with our child. I'm also a stay at home mom, (for financial reasons, childcare is expensive!) and im working on my degree again so I can get a job when toddler gets old enough for school. It seems like I've backed myself into a corner. Once all this coronavirus stuff blows over I'm going to suggest couples counseling... should I wait until then to come out in counseling to him? Should I even come out now, if ever? I'm struggling with intense shame and stress now. I'm pissed that I didn't realize it until I was 27 married with a child. I would give anything to be straight and happy banging my husband for the rest of my life. We have a great friendship, and he's a loving doting husband, but our sex life is shit because I'm gay, turns out. Any stay at home moms out there that have dealt with this? Anybody remain in a parenting marriage after coming out? Any advice on my situation, or coming out gently? He will be devastated.
Well done for posting. I can relate to a lot of what you’ve posted. I wasn’t married to my ex, but we have a daughter. I was 25 when I had her and figured out my sexuality in my late twenties, so that works out as being roughly the same age as you are now. I was a stay at home mum too, and it was really tough not having any financial independence. I felt really trapped, but like you, was studying. My relationship was emotionally abusive, so I didn’t actually tell my ex about my sexuality, and from what you’ve said, the way I left the relationship won’t be relevant to your situation. Having said that, I think you’re probably right to wait until the world returns to normal. Couples counselling might be a good idea and give you both a place to talk. I think in most cases that honesty is the best policy, but it is very hard and it can take time to get there, which is fine. I had a therapist and found it incredibly helpful, so you might want to consider it for yourself too. With regards to being a stay at home mum, I think you need balance the practicalities (finance, etc.) against the mental/emotional strain of staying where you are. Only you know your situation, but there is support out there so it might be worth doing some research. The stress, shame and other things you’re feeling are fairly normal at this stage and with time you’ll be able to work through - posting here helps, therapy helps, bring kind to yourself and giving yourself time to process your feelings helps.
Thank you for your kind reply. I have a therapist, I came out to her the other day via video session. I feel worse now than before... She was really accepting, but it still felt not good. I was more sad after. Reading stories here has helped. I'll post more as I figure out my situation.
Hey @Quidditch Welcome to EC! I’m guessing part of the post coming out blues stem from not being able to have a hug - damn virus! So try to be kind to yourself and maybe see if your quilt can give to that hug in the meantime. :} You’ll get there.
I'm thinking it made it inevitable that I had to do something. Back when it was a thought in the corner of my mind I could live in denial that it was actually what my true nature is. Telling her was the end of my denial. I felt relief, but sadness because I have to break my husband's heart by coming out or break my own by staying in. Does that make any sense? I'm also dealing with some internalized homophobia. I don't know where it came from, I was raised in an accepting hippy household... I've identified as bisexual for a decade too. I guess it could have rubbed off from my husband, who was raised in a very conservative religious way. He's more liberal by moving out of his home state and marrying me, but we do not speak of my love of women. He doesn't even know that my celebrity crush is Kate McKinnon. Haha.
I'm not explaining my relationship with my husband really well, he's infinitely more kind than his uncomfortability with gay people. Ha. He's 15 years older and from another generation and was raised in arguably the most homophobic place in the country. That doesn't excuse it, just for a little more context.
