Hey everyone. I can't exactly tell you what I am, because I don't know what I am. Other than I'm 30, afab, and a miserable mess. I'm disabled, and both financially and physically dependent on my very conservative, religious parents. I have very little social life, and all of my activity is monitored to some extent. I am so immensely full of this feeling of wrong, unhappy, unfulfilled. And I have no place in " real life" to go, no one to talk to about it. I feel like I barely exist. Like the very concept of me is incompatible with the life that I'm stuck in. Probably forever. There is no way to twist myself to fit neatly into what I'm supposed to be. What I'm expected to be. I hate the idea of being sexually involved with anybody. But it's more the idea of my body being involved than the other bodies being involved. Like if I was somebody else I wouldn't hate it as much as I do now. I've been in relationships with both (cis) men and women, and hated being intimate, beyond the fact that I enjoy making other people feel good. (And had to hide all aforementioned relationships from my parents). It makes me feel gross. But I want to be with people. I like the idea of it. I just don't like the idea of me being the person who does it. And knowing that the likelihood of finding someone who would put up with both my disabilities and whatever this is that I've got going on are slim to none is even more isolating and depressing. I have nobody that's safe to talk to. I have no idea where to go to figure out what in the world is going on with me. But it's gotten worse the older I've gotten. I'm turning thirty in less than a month and I'm disgusted with myself. Hoping to find people to talk to. Or to tell me what is going on in my head. Or tell me I just need to toughen up because it's not going to get any better. I don't know. I could keep rambling, but you probably don't want to hear more of that. Sooo: I'm nerd. Love animals, art, video games, music, lots of stuff. I'm self taught at a lot of random little skills and hobbies. I'm hard to shut up once I start in on something I like. I'm happy to talk about brighter shinier things too, I'm not a complete bummer. I just had a super hard time filling out the sign up sheet because iiiiidk what to say. So here I am.
Hey there. Welcome to EC! I hope you find some helpful words and camaraderie here. i just listened to a podcast which had on a queer disability/sex ...advocate? Can’t remember exactly but I’ll fish out the link and post it when I’ve found it. Stick around!
Ok. Here it is. Sorry I don’t know when the relevant but starts. The rest might entertain you, too. :} https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/just-between-us/id1454312489?i=1000456053264
I've actually seen some of Eva's stuff! It's definitely awesome, but since I'm in a situation where I'm basically expected by my caregivers to be celibate unless I'm in a cishet marriage and any deviation from that could be literally life threatening... It's kind of just a thought exercise. I don't really have friends, or the money to go out and have hobbies or meet people. In the relationships I've been in, it's never been me not liking them so much as me not liking me. If that makes sense lol.
I actually work part time for my father's company. I wouldn't be able to work if I wasn't for him. He lets me make my own hours, and work from home where I can be in my recliner or bed, or wherever is most comfortable at any given time. So most days the only people I see or talk to are my parents. But I really only make enough money to afford my animals, and a lot of times my animals are the only things keeping me from seriously considering suicide. I'm not actively suicidal. The thought is always there, but I feel too much obligation to my animals to do anything about it, and losing them would absolutely break me.
Welcome to the Forum, Corax. Don't worry about bringing your woes and problems, since those play an important role on this forum. You wouldn't believe the things I told here, it was very hard for me, but I don't regret it, people here were always helpful, sensitive and open minded. You won't be judged here, ever. It's hard to give advice, just try to reach out on the internet, and take it easy. There has to be a way to get out of that mess, all you need is a plan. I've been stuck too in the past, without going too much into detail, everything seemed to be lost, my parents couldn't have cared less if I lived or died (which I'm ok with, I'm my own person and they never owed me anything!), in short I was out there in the cold, surviving myself and my circumstances. I'm not just telling you this simplistic 'tough up', but I want to give you right here and now something to think about: When your animals see you sad and depressed, they can feel it. I've had cats, and I love animals, I have seen them perceiving and reacting to human emotion. Your animals can't help you to get out, they can only give you their unconditional love, but you do owe them to try your best to be happy for them. Many people will judge you because you lean so much on them. I lean on myself, and I've been sneered at. I don't care. Without a reason to keep alive and fighting, we are lost. I know many people have gardens, or cars. Your animals deserve the best of you then. Don't do anything rash that could endanger your well being, but if I may suggest something, even if I'm wrong, think about a plan. Take a step back and wonder 'how would someone in my situation change something here?'. Reaching out is always the first step, it gives you the courage and self confidence you need. I'm sure you can make this, after all you are taking care of your animals, I can't even keep plants! So you are into videogames? There is an app, no, sorry, a subforum for that! You might me see around. We all need entertainment, to enjoy a rush of adrenaline, to have a laugh, that keeps you strong! I can't say much about you finding sex gross, but never do anything you don't want to do, make it clear from the very start how your situation is. I hate it when some pretend there must be a problem there. I'm a very sexual being, but I can take care of my needs, thanks very much. When you love someone, you don't want them to suffer, and if a partner can't respect you not having sex with them, after explaining to them how you feel about it, then he or she is not the right partner for you. The pressure is big since you are a man, another thing I really hate. This is too long, but I could relate to your situation, and I want you to know, things do get better. I'm sure, little by little, you'll make it, and your animals will feel even more happy when they see you enjoying life on a much better, safer and happier place. Enjoy.
@Michael thank you for taking the time to respond. It means a lot. With regards to your "buck up" suggestion, I'm not a mess, openly. I very, very rarely upset my animals. I almost finished a degree in animal neuroscience, I trained horses and gave riding lessons to beginner riders, I worked for a number of years training dogs and doing behavior modification therapy with unadoptable dogs and wolfdogs. I also taught canine body language to employees at a doggy daycare before I was forced to retire from working with animals. All of that is to say, animal body language is absolutely 100% one of the things that I am most attuned to in the world, and I know how to not stress them out. I bottle up my issues. I don't talk about them. I don't share them. I don't burden others with them. But that's why I'm here. There's no one there for me. No one I can truly lean on. And it's destroying me. I don't understand what you mean by a plan, I'm sorry. If you could elaborate I'd appreciate it. I do enjoy video games! I haven't been able to play much recently due to shoulder surgery, but I got my sling off last week and I'm hoping I'll start getting my reflexes back soon lol. I'm not sex repulsed really. I'm just... Me repulsed. I can fantasize about a situation, or watch porn, or whatever. And I don't find that gross. I just find me gross. I haven't actually been in a relationship for almost ten years. All the relationships I had were in highschool and college, and once my health started taking a nosedive, no one wanted to be with me anyway. So it's a moot point right now lol. I didn't find your reply too long, and I truly do appreciate you taking the time and effort to reply to me. I'm happy to talk, or answer questions or whatever. I'm not a great conversationalist, but I'm happy to try.
Quick thought... Could you offer online coaching for people having issues with their animals? Not so much full training courses - unless you wanted to, but one off solutions to people who get stuck with different problems. Eg. Dogs pulling on their leash or barking or whatever. You’d have to set up online payments but I’m sure it’s doable. ;}
A lot of dog behavior issues require physical observation by someone who actually knows how to interpret canine body language. You ask a client what happened and a lot of times you'll either get "I don't know", "It came out of nowhere", or "he's aggressive/out of control!". None of which are actually helpful in diagnosing the problem. So you can give general advice such as "more exercise", and "get your dog some damn basic obedience for the love of god", but that's about it lol
From what I read, I assumed you wanted to change your situation. In order to do that you need to take steps. That's what I meant with a plan, a series of steps you'll take to reach your objective. Have you thought about this? Very few people look like on porn clips. We all come in different packages, sizes and forms. Finding 'you' gross, that's a self image issue. Where could it come from, you think? Are there others pointing out you are physically unattractive, calling you names? If you were ever bullied on the past, it might still linger until you work on it. And it might filter into everyday life. If you don't find yourself worth of physical affection, you might find yourself also not worthy enough as a person, with all its consequences when you need to interact with others. That can change anytime. Once you've taken back control of your life, it'll improve your mood, which will end up attracting people to you. But first you need to be on that position. It's very important to invest some time on a plan to get out of your situation. Ah, I think you've managed to describe your own situation and reach out to us. That's something! By the way, you are not the only one who doesn't like to talk 'feelings'. Many of us can relate to that.
It's honestly something I don't have a good answer for. Like I said, I'm financially and physically reliant on my parents. I work part-time for my father because I would be unable to work anywhere else. I need help doing a number of basic housekeeping tasks. I do not have complete control over my money. I would say that is the largest hurdle to any sort of independence. My money is contingent on my obeying my parents, and any sort of change in environment (I've discussed a number of at-home business ideas with them) are contingent on their assistance in both setting up, and in financing. They are not consistently amenable to assisting me in gaining personal freedoms. I'm aware normal people don't look like porn, sorry, I didn't word myself clearly. I'm not saying I'm envious of porn bodies (and honestly I prefer close up stuff anyway. I don't want to be looking at faces.) Just that I'm not sex repulsed. I just dislike the idea of people trying to get me off personally. I don't like people touching me, especially trying to turn me on. Honestly the only people I've ever been bullied by, or that resembles anything like bullying, were my parents. I moved around a lot as a kid, and I also was sick or injured frequently so I was maybe in school half the time I was actually "in school". I was also 1-2 grades ahead of my age group depending on the subject. I was aloof and untouchable. I was intimidating. If people tried to mess with me, they would only try once because I'd rip them a proverbial new one. I never had a problem standing up for myself to my peers. Regarding my parents, I've always been a disappointment. I've never been feminine enough. I've never been outgoing enough. I've never had the "right" interests. And then my health took a nose dive, so they were stuck caring for their adult child. Now I'm not independent enough. Now I'm not giving them a son in law, or the grand children they so desperately want (which I always hated the idea of anyway, I don't want to be anyone's wife, but I was always dismissed when I said it when I was younger, I just hadn't found "the one" yet). Now I'm stuck at home, and they need a bigger house for me. I've never been what they wanted. So. That's about the most bullying thing I can think of. I admire your optimism, but I honestly don't think it's as easy as getting a plan together and enacting it. There are too many variables that are outside of my control. That relies too heavily on people who aren't really particularly interested in helping me get out of this situation. I'm not entirely certain that I don't like to talk about my feelings so much as my ability to communicate is off-putting. I won't lie if someone asks me a straight question. But people (in person, particularly) find the way I communicate too clinical and robotic. (All three "real" relationships that I've had ended with me being dumped because I was 'unemotional', 'distant', and 'Vulcan' respectively) And thus don't want to talk with me about them. I am an exceedingly effective listener, however, and can generally understand exactly what's wrong when talking about someone else's issues. I'm a fixer Which has gotten me into some nasty codependent crap in the past. But that's not exactly on topic.
