I think in posted this in the wrong area, so I'm repeating it here. Hi, I'm 46 years old and working on the scariest part of coming out: family/parents and then my ex husband. He and I have a good relationship and still get along, and have a mutual circle of people we mingle with. I dont want to have him sucker punched with the news. Anyway, I hope this is the place to post the following: I am 46 years old, recently divorced from my husband and in an amazing relationship with an amazing woman. For as long as I can remember I have sort of "struggled" with accepting that I am gay. I had a gay relationship in my 20s that went bad, neither if us was good for each other. As that ended I told my parents the actual level of the relationship. They helped me leave her, building a kitchenette apartment in their house for me to move into, getting me out of there and erasing the 'gay' part of my past. After that, I hid my true self, dated men, eventually marrying a man. When I finally left that 13 year relationship I found myself having thoughts about women. I'd been in therapy for a few years during the marriage and when my therapist tried to expound on the idea I quickly snuffed it. But, once free to find myself I realized my true identity and I have embraced it. Since doing so I have told several friends and my sisters, all who have been supportive, even if a bit reluctant. My next hurdle is to tell my folks. They are in their mid 80s and in good health. I am not really worried they will disown me and I am independent financially and everything like that. I have a great group of friends who I can depend on, and my lady who is completely out is very patient and loving about the situation. There is no pressure from her about this at all. We are going on vacation together soon, along with one of my sisters, and I dont want to have to worry about what gets posted online or have to censor what I say about things we did while we were gone. I am ready to be out, I feel it will be a relief for me to stop hiding, and to not have to worry so much about who sees me with her holding her hand in public. My concern is how do I say this to my parents, old school Christian's who are set in their ways... and my mom has a tendency to worry about what other people will think. That is probably my biggest concern, their health. They are both healthy with some typical aging things like forgetfulness and hard of hearing and stiff like that. But I dont want to have her/them get worked up about this and get sick. I dont try to hide things with my lady when we go out, and I dont want my folks to hear it from someone else besides me. I guess I'm just looking for some input on how to say or not to say to them that I am gay, and that I'm finally happy with my life. They dont know the extent of my issues with anxiety and depression but I've battled it since my teens so they aren't totally in the dark on that. (I know I'm bouncing around here, I'm sorry about that.) I know I am ready to do this, but I dont want to be harsh or crass or disrespectful. So... any advice or ideas? Thank you in advance.
Well, I understand your reluctance. You may think they would react one way.....perhaps not. They may be supportive right away.....and they may take time. I suspect that if you started by saying that you were happy for once in your life, and a big part is acknowledging you’re gay, they would enjoy hearing that you were happy. I have kids, and seeing them happy is my greatest joy as a parent. Good luck, sounds like you are through some of the hardest parts of accepting yourself!
Hey, supportive or not I think often parents are the hardest people to tell. I mean you generally only have 1 set. I think you know them best and so you should be as honest as possible. I'm not saying you have to lay on thick how bad the anxiety etc has been but perhaps you could take them back to the start and say ' hey you remember all those years ago when I was dating ***** and it all ended badly and you helped me so much to move on. I am so grateful for all of the support you gave me. I think that the toxicity of that relationship made me believe that I shouldn't have been with a woman. As you know I have since been with a man and that relationship has ended. I think the ending of this relationship has made me reconsider my choices and decisions and I realised that the fact that my initial relationship wasn't right was nothing to do with the fact she was a woman, its just that together we weren't right. Since leaving my last partner Ive actually met someone and I have struggled a little with finding the right words and moment to tell you this but I am now in a relationship with a woman etc etc. Not in those exact words but perhaps along those kind of lines.
Beyond their old christian core there is something no religion can erase, that is the love for your children. In my case I was terrified when I decided to come out to my family as trans and bisexual a few years ago. I needed to warn them about my future partners, and I also needed to tell them the truth about me. My 80 something grandmother was surprised, quite fixed at the fact I do like women/girls (but she's a bit of a closeted bisexual herself), and not giving much credit to the fact I am a man. It's too much to believe, because of the way I look like and this image they had built of me in their heads, which is my main point... You can't change that image, you can just be honest about yourself, explain the reasons as others have mentioned, that you love them and do not wish to hurt them, but you can't keep living a lie, you need to be open and honest to feel happy. You can't control how they feel, or what they think, and they have a right to their opinions, even if we might not understand or agree with them. Don't let their minds to get at you, and do not feel guilty because of the way they react. You haven't done anything wrong, you are not a serial rapist or a child molester, you just happen to enjoy your sexuality, which is something nobody should ever apologize for. It's quite hard to give any good advice, since I don't know your parents, and not all people on their 80s are copycats. Sometimes you'd be surprised how much those folks can take. Last century was filled by wars, hunger and desperate situations, and they saw it all. I'd beginning by telling them respectfully how much everything they made for you is still remembered, appreciated. Tell them you will love them still no matter their reaction, and try to keep your promise. Then honestly, calmly tell them how hard it is for you to tell them this. Be honest with them about your reasons. Be the brave person and open up to them. Cry if you must, there is nothing wrong with that. Then tell them, just tell them. They might not react as you expect, but there are still days ahead, life is short, and if they are wise enough, they'll see this point and come back to you with questions. Be ready for those questions. You are having the responsibility of explaining a whole new world they are not only unfamiliar, but scared of. I think there is a lesbian love story on the bible, if I'm not mistaken one of the women was called Ruth. There is also (as far as I can tell) no explicit condemnation of lesbian sex on the bible. You might want to be ready for pointing this out. I'm sorry, but this is the best I can come up with. Whatever you do, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Lean on your partner too, tell her all about how you are feeling. She should be there for you too on such moments.
