help

@razorsharp

it’s not just the sex. Maybe I overstated that. It is the connection that is expressed at an intimate level. It is desire. It is a burning feeling.

It doesn’t even take sex to get there. But it does take attraction. And, someone who is straight can’t have this for someone of the same sex and someone who is gay can’t have this for someone who is the opposite sex.

Being bisexual I feel this draw of attraction to both.

My wife’s best friend is a gay widowed older minister. He spent his life married to a woman out of a sense of morality, obligation and love. But not romantic love. He made it work. But he will discuss the loss he feels not living his life.

 

Anything I have to say on this topic is through my own filters, from my own perspective, and I'm likely projecting my own values. If you are like me you may be able to keep your same-sex attractions a secret. I did it for the better part of 25 years, even after spilling the beans on my honeymoon. I feel extremely lucky to have four children and to have had the privilege of a family life. But I feel there's something I gave up along the way, and it leaves me feeling unfulfilled. I'm a lot further down the road and you are, @razorsharp . Where I'm at now is only one possibility. This could be where you wind up, or maybe somewhere completely different. But now is the time for you to decide, then get the resources you need to support your choice. From my perspective, through my filters, and with my values, I hope you don't try to do it alone.

 

@razorsharp

I was curious about your history so I read a post from nearly 4 years ago. At the time, I think I was just about to come out to my wife and had been on this forum only a short time. You questioned your ability to become sexually attracted to women. You weren't married at that time...at least that's what I recall. You were having difficulties in finding women attractive and were seeking some advise on how to stimulate attraction.

I will answer this the way I did then. You cannot make yourself attracted to the opposite sex if you are gay. Some of us fool ourselves into it because many of us can become sexually aroused for lots of different reasons. So, a gay man can perform with a woman. If you are interested in improving your sex life you can work on ways to turn yourself on (some gay men I know fantasize about men when they are having straight sex). You could do some role playing.

BUT. This is no way to live a life. Faking your way through something and trying to become attracted because you believe it is what you should do. I know this is harsh. But, I've met a number of guys with your history. It doesn't fix itself. You are gay and there is nothing wrong with it. I find myself feeling sad for your wife. I know the feeling of not being sexually attractive to someone. My wife was incapable of feeling this after menopause and she was afraid to tell me. So, I went through a period of my life where I struggled with this sense of loss and inadequacy. This is when I almost cheated on her. When she finally told me, we were able to work on it together. To build intimacy in other ways. But, I spent many nights wondering what was wrong with me.

This isn't going to work out because you refuse to be gay. I suggest you seriously consider getting some therapy to help you work through this before you go further in your relationship and have children. I'm sorry to be so blunt. Your wife needs to be a part of this. She may chose to remain married and you may be able to work out an arrangement. It sometimes works. But, it is her right to know. It really is.

 

I've been thinking about this a lot today. I still believe strongly that the choice is yours, @razorsharp , whether you tell anyone about your same-sex attractions. As for myself, I want to bring all the parts of myself into harmony, and that includes honoring and respecting the non-straight part of myself. If I want to be at peace with myself, I need to accept all of myself. And if my wife wants to love me, she needs to love all of me.