So I’m a 22 year old male, currently in a relationship with a girl. I have experimented with guys in a few occasions of which I only enjoyed once, I watch both kinds of porn gay/straight but can only get off to blowjobs from gay porn. Not interested in anal stuff or kissing with guys, yet I can’t stop questioning the potential of myself being bisexual. When it comes to real life I have been mostly straight my whole life and got crushes on girls, had relationships and had intense feelings for girls, as for guys I haven’t really had many crushes at all except one that I think I have now.. I met a guy whilst working last year who is gay, we never really spoke much but I felt a strange attraction to him, like extreme nerves around him. Come to think about him all of my feelings towards him have been negative, like chest pains and stuff and I don’t really find myself sexually attracted to him. Yet I think about him every day and have done since he bought me a gift at work - to which I didn’t accept. I don’t know if I am in denial about potential same sex attractions which is causing pain or am scared that being gay he might discover me to be not completely straight. I’m so confused about this at the moment and really stressed out and fed up with questioning myself all the time. I really like my girlfriend, I think she’s really attractive and I get on with her really well but I just have this doubt in my mind all the time that I’m not being true to myself. I don’t feel gay enough by just having one crush on a guy and only fantasising about going down on them qualifies me to be bisexual so I wouldn’t want to take that label. But I definitely know I’m not straight because I watch gay blowjob porn. I just want answers and this grey area really fucks with me.. i have this voice telling me to look at girls and guys and compare my attraction to them, always googling stuff like am I gay and gay tests and that.. I just want to feel happy with who I am and at the moment I don’t know how.. sorry for the long paragraph
I read an article a long time ago about how people's sexuality exists on a spectrum - on one end is 100% straight, on the other end it's 100% gay, and in between there are all kinds of variations. You don't have to be 50%/50%, you might also be 80%/20% or something like that. Something to keep in mind. In any case, you don't have to fit into a label. Maybe you are mostly straight, but when it comes to certain actions, you do prefer guys? It happens. Also, feeling any kind of attraction to men doesn't mean you'd be attracted to any gay guy you meet - just like with girls, some you would be attracted to, some you wouldn't. That's just the way it is. The real test, as people here write time and time again, is who you fantasize about - no porn or any other interventions, just you. In any case this process of figuring yourself out takes time. Take a deep breath and keep going. It probably won't end soon and that too is okay. Take care.
The truth of the matter is that very few people are 100% straight or 100% gay. It's a bit of an inconvenient truth for some people who spend many hours obsessing and checking themselves over these minor curiosities and variations from their predominant sexual feelings, even though it's all perfectly normal and reasonable. We are human and don't exist in neat little pigeon holes. Sometimes our curiosity is very slight, where we just allow our minds to wander a bit, but other times it can be a bit more obvious and that seems to be how it is for you. You like to watch guys blowing each other in gay porn and sometimes fantasise about doing it yourself and you readily admit to experimenting with guys in the past, even enjoying it on one occasion. So, does this mean you are bisexual or gay? No, not necessarily, but I would suggest you are more than a little curious and shouldn't totally dismiss the idea that you are bisexual, even if it doesn't feel like a comfortable label, right now. You may not be into the idea of kissing or doing anal with another guy, but that's also true for some bi and gay men. I suspect you are confused about this guy at work because he has been so friendly towards you and you have this underlying awareness of your feelings. You still remember what it was like to be quite intimate with another guy and can't deny liking it - at least once, so now you have an openly gay man showing a friendly interest in you and it's become a bit of a mind fuck. It really doesn't have to be though. Nobody can choose a label for you. If you think the strength of your attractions is more significantly geared towards the opposite sex it's entirely your right to say you are straight, but just make sure you don't box yourself in with that label. And remember, it's okay to be bi.
Pretty much all of what @PatrickUK said. You don't have to take on any label right now or ever, and if you choose to, no one else can tell you who or what you are. As stated, bisexuality is seldom a 50/50 thing. Some people have fixed attractions, but most of the bi/pan people I know (myself included) go through periods of of being, say, 70/30 attracted to women and men respectively, to 20/80 at another point. And also like @Rin311 said--just because you might be bi, doesn't mean you're going to be attracted to everyone. We all have types, preferences; it might just be that other than the one experience you enjoyed with a guy, you haven't found many you were emotionally/physically attracted to. Be patient with yourself. There's no rush, no deadline to determine your orientation. Take as much time as you need to work through how you feel about yourself and your possible orientation, and if/when you reach acceptance, then work out your feelings regarding others. And if you're serious in your relationship with your girlfriend, try to be as open and honest with her as possible. If she loves you, she will make the effort to be as understanding and supportive as possible.
One, stop looking at pornography, of all type. It will affect your current relationship and it will confuse you. I think on demand internet porn is very bad for your wellbeing as bad a cigarettes to your health. I stopped 3 months ago and there is now more clarity and more confidence in knowing my sexuality. I wish I had given it up years ago.
My porn use satisfied me more than any human interaction, it would make me numb to real life touch. I would try and sleep with women but couldn't get it up. So, I thought I must be gay. I thought as I really enjoy gay porn I must be gay ( i found gay porn the most exciting) but deep in denial. I spent many years thinking like that. I couldn't work out why I wasn't attracted to men but love gay porn yet I struggled to get it up with women but was horny for them and wanted them. I found it so confusing. Porn use gave my so much anxiety. I thought how could I ever be in a relationship being in a circle of constant doubt. I spent many years like a decade. Thinking I was straight and then gay. I was basing it on porn. Porn is fantasy and porn isn't real. You can't use that as an indicator of who you are. Which I thought it was. But internet porn is a like a drug it causes dopamine ( happy drug inside your brain) levels to spike to unnatural levels. As on demand internet porn is so easy to get. So you are getting a constant hit on dompamine and it becomes addictive. Then that addiction can take over your life. Which happened to me. So once I stop porn my fantasies that unconsciously occured to me are heterosexual ones. I think the gay porn was masking it and i no longer have problems getting it up with them or anxiety.
