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Acknowledging I'm gay at 40 yrs old

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Jevrett, Feb 23, 2020.

  1. Jevrett

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    My life has been sorry of turned upside down lately. I have been separated from my wife for about a month. She asked me to leave because I have an addiction to pornography. I spent a few nights sleeping in the basement at the place where I work. Thankfully I found a place to rent a room. After about a week of self examination and honest reflection I have come to realize that I'm either gay, or bisexual. I have known this on some level for quite a while. However, I repressed this knowledge. Spent another week coming to terms with this new information. Coming out to myself, you might say. Throughout this time my wife tells me she wants a divorce (Not my first time letting her down in regard to the Porn). I love this woman very much but considering the fact that I am finally acknowledging that I am gay/bi(?), her wanting to end our 18 yr. marriage does not hurt me nearly as much as i think it should. I am very confused about allot of things, and it has been a hard time. She was feeling very same and disappointed that I have not made an effort to try to win her back. The tears in her eyes and the pain she was in was unbearable. I Came out to my wife of 18 years. I could not stand to let her think i just didn't love her anymore, or that i didn't care to win her back. Things are just so confusing. Considering we also have 2 teen age kids, boy 16 girl 14, things are really messy. I am thankful that she is being as understanding as she can possibly be. Life feels like a tangled mess to me right now.
     
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  2. 1cgd

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    I have been there too, my man, as many of us here have. You have found the right place. I too accepted I was gay in my early 40s. It took me almost a decade to come out and even though it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, it opened the door for me to live as my true self and it’s made me a better person to my ex, my kids, and my career. I also have found the love of my life. Not everyone’s story is the same, but we are living it as the men we truly are. You’ll find support and love here.

    was your porn addiction a gay porn addiction? I ask because I found myself using it less after I escaped the closet and even less after I started having actual gay sex.
     
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  3. Jevrett

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    1cgd, thank you for your response. It is so helpful to know there are others who have traveled this road before me. Even more helpful to know that they have found love and happiness. About my porn use. Yes it was gay porn. Although, I always led into gay porn through beginning with straight porn them after a little while i would start drifting into bisexual, trans, then gay porn.

    It's funny you should mention that you experienced less porn use after coming out. After coming out to my wife, and making sets effort to accept my self as I am, I immediately felt a decrease in my desire to use porn. I still feel it , and still use it. But it feels like more of a natural expression of my sexual energy than a compilation that I give in to.
    Thanks again for the support. It means so much.
     
  4. LaurenSkye

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    It's never too late to acknowledge who you are. I was in my mid-30s when I fully acknowledged who and what I was and now, a few years later, I am still discovering myself and slowly integrating changes into my life.
     
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  5. Jevrett

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    I appreciate that Mikey D. I have allot of confusion about how the changes in my life affect others in my life, such as my wife and kids. But I already feel so much better within myself that I have recognized myself for who I really am.
     
  6. Needhelp3

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    Well I’m 55 and now realize that I’m gay..

    I hate it..
     
  7. Jevrett

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    I can understand where your coming from. Try not to judge your self too harshly. Think about what it would feel like if you were to accept your self as is and allow your self to be. If you can't accept your self and the feelings your having right now. Try imagining what it would feel like if you could.
    Just know your not alone. I have been dealing with self judgement also. A thought came to me yesterday. Instead of worrying and agonizing about where this is taking me, I could examine where it is coming from. I don't know, but I feel that examining where my desires come from, and feelings about them, will bring me closer to understanding and self acceptance.
    I wish you the best.
     
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  8. bingostring

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    I knew I was gay when I was ... about 5 or 6

    it doesn’t make it easier what age you find out but it’s what you do with the knowledge that counts
     
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  9. Needhelp3

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    How do I tell my kids?
     
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  10. Jevrett

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    That is a hard thing to know. I just told mine straight out. I sat them down, fought through my tears and told them. I don't know your situation. How old your kids are, hope open minded they might be. Every family is different. I told mine because i knew they were open minded and i knew that they would be able to handle it. You should post this question also in the coming out advice section. It might be a good Idea for you to see counseling. I am about to start seeing a therapist. I'm not sure if telling them when I did was the best choice, but fortunately they are loving supportive kids. I'm sorry if My answers aren't helpful. I wish I had more definitive answers.
     
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  11. Choirboy

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    My story is similar. I knew I was attracted solely to men by my 20's but wanted a family and didn't feel comfortable with the lifestyle choices being made by most of the gay men I knew. I eventually married and had a couple kids, but she and I had more and more problems as time went by. I finally came out to her after over 20 years together, much more as the final nail in the coffin of the marriage than anything else. It really was the hardest thing I ever had to do, as @1cgd noted, but I feel like my kids are seeing a more confident and honest version of me, and my ex-wife has a GBF that she can call and share every thought with! And I met a man that I absolutely love and respect and appreciate, who my family has accepted and who fills a void in my life that I didn't realize existed. My daughters both talk fondly of having the two of us walk them up the aisle when they get married.

    You can absolutely do this! Best of luck to you. It will be a challenging adjustment but it has certainly been worth it.
     
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  12. Needhelp3

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    Thank you!! It’s really hard to accept but I know in the long run I will be happy..
     
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  13. Highlander2

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    @Jevrett I was 40 when I finally acknowledged I was gay. It was a difficult decision to make in many ways - two small children, and still actually loving my (now) ex-wife. 7 years later, I get married later this year to a man I truly love and adore, and who loves me equally back.

    It's a really difficult journey of discovering yourself, and the guilt of hurting the family you will love, but the alternative I had was to stay and realise that the feelings I'd had my life to varying degrees, were actually real and not a fantasy. Watching gay porn was a thing I did, but rationalised it away by thinking I was just watching it, not actually wanting to have sex with a man.

    But years after we've separated and now divorced, we are still good friends. The early years were difficult and emotionally raw for us both. But we are now more like brother and sister than husband and wife, and if I'm honest it's probably always been like that. We're still very good friends, she's a person I would trust and who knows me inside out and I do her. But I just stopped having those kinds of feelings for her that a husband would and that she deserved to have a husband feel for her - the minute I realised and accepted I was gay.

    My children love my partner and haven't changed a bit how they feel about me. All in all, there have been very very few adverse reactions in the early days, and it's now something that everyone knows about me and I don't keep it a secret. I'm marrying a man for God's sake so how I'd try and hide the wedding ring away is anyones guess.

    Life will throw the curveball and it's down to you to decide what you do with it.
     
  14. Jevrett

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    @Highlander2,
    It is reassuring to see these stories of who have walked a similar path as the one I find myself on. Seeing that you have found your way to a positive loving relationship makes me feel hopeful. I am thankful for my kids they have been so open and accepting. That feels good. Thanks for sharing your story.
     
  15. VanBo

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    I came out to my wife of 15 years as bi in November. She struggles with it but we are working on it. She told a friend of hers who is also bisexual. He friend and I had a great chat about it. I told her about my guilt and the shame I have felt because of it for years. She told me I am exactly as I was meant to be and not to feel bad about that. Good luck on your journey through this part of your life.
     
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  16. Jevrett

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    @VanBo,
    I wish you luck with your situation also. Thanks for sharing about your personal Journey. I have been making new friends and learning to be accepting of who I am. It is getting easier. I'm grateful for that.