1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Handling an ex who is not happy about my new girlfriend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by eismeister, Feb 12, 2020.

  1. eismeister

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2018
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    54
    Location:
    Republic of Ireland
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Been absent here for a wee bit, but do have a question if any of you have experienced this and how you handled it.

    Between late August and mid-December of this year, I dated a very nice girl. She was lovely and very supportive. But, among other issues, she wanted me to convert to Judaism for her and didn’t quite understand why I was not on board with this (not sure why, we live in Ireland where the majority of people, including myself, are deeply and culturally Catholic). She also was overweight and sedentary, and with me being an active athlete — we struggled to figure out a way our lifestyles/expectations fit. We had an adult conversation after a fight and I calmly broke up with her. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in a relationship at all, and I also told her this. We agreed to be friends.

    Since then, we have talked a lot. She even called me for advice on something. I kind of got the feeling she was trying to get me back, but I put this on the back of my mind and have made no overtures that this would happen. I’m friendly, she’s wonderful, but in no universe will we ever get back together. We basically have exchanged texts/instagram messaging every other day and she has liked all my posts, watched my stories, etc.

    Well, I travel out of the country for my job. To one country in particular. Over the years, I’ve made a good circle of friends. A friend of a friend messaged me on social media last April and we have talked often over text. I really had no idea this girl was even into other girls. We met up when I was there for work the end of January. The first time we met there was instant attraction on both ends. We know each other fairly well from being friends first and it felt so comfortable. After a weekend of being there, we both agreed to see where this could go. I flew back to Ireland and she stayed where she’s at, but we are seeing how it goes.

    Anyway, I posted a photo of me and my new girlfriend together not long after. After this, my ex stopped communicating with me and eventually when I texted her to ask how a sick family member was, she told me congratulations on the new girlfriend. And then has ceased all communication again.

    I still want to be friends. I like her as a person, just not romantically. It’s her prerogative if she doesn’t want to talk to me again, I respect that. I just think it’s odd that she was all up in my business until I clearly moved on. For a 5 month relationship, I don’t think 2 months after breaking up is fast to move on. Wasn’t my intention to hurt her.

    Any advice on how to handle this?
     
  2. Lin1

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2015
    Messages:
    1,336
    Likes Received:
    531
    Location:
    somewhere over the rainbow
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I would give her time.

    Obviously this girl was holding onto the hope that you would come back around and she is probably hurt/upset that it's becoming clear it won't happen, also based on the description you gave of your ex and what you are looking for, I am assuming the new girl is drastically different to her (physically/personality wise) and it might doubly sting. Give her time, hopefully she comes around but if not, it might mean you can't be friends.

    Two months isn't that quick but depending on feelings she had, it's not that long either so she probably still isn't over the breakup and it's never easy to realize that the other person has moved on when you so clearly haven't. I am sure she will text in a couple of weeks if only out of curiosity.
     
    BiGemini87 likes this.
  3. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I agree with Linning. Basically, this is 100% on her, you've done absolutely nothing wrong. So she gets to decide if she can get over the fact that you're in a relationship. If so, perhaps you can continue to be friends. If not... well, there isn't much you can (or should) do about that. That may be a little harsh, but really, if she's genuinely a friend and not someone hoping for more than that... she'll come around.
     
    BiGemini87 likes this.
  4. Loves books

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2017
    Messages:
    1,475
    Likes Received:
    102
    Location:
    Ireland
    It didn’t sound like she’s completely over you and she’s hurt that you moved on. It’s completely on her but maybe it hurts her less to not be in regular contact with you. Actually from the beginning it sounded a little odd that she wanted you to convert to Judaism for her for such a short relationship.I’m Irish too and being Catholic is an entire culture including most schools being Catholic. At the very least she should have respected your beliefs. It sounds like she wants everything including just friendship on her terms. If she was hoping you’d come back to her I don’t think she’ll be open to continuing a friendship.
     
    DirectionNorth likes this.
  5. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    As everyone has said it sounds like she was probably hoping there was a chance you would get back together. Just give her time, she needs to figure out if she can cope with seeing you with your new girlfriend, hopefully she can and your friendship can continue but if not just remember you did nothing wrong.
     
  6. eismeister

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2018
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    54
    Location:
    Republic of Ireland
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Thanks everyone for the advice, and sorry for the delay in response! You all are correct, and I just wanted to bounce it off someone to make sure that I wasn't seeing things I wasn't.

    You're totally right, and I'm just giving her space. I haven't reached out to her since. She is acquaintances with my flatmate and recently ran into her. She tried to engage in a conversation with her about how she thinks my new girlfriend is weird, and how could I be happy with her etc. so it's pretty obvious where her head was thinking we'd get back together. My flatmate shut it down and basically was like, she's really happy and I think you guys could be good friends but just don't fit together as people. Who knows what she's thinking. I'm working on letting her go as a friend with the mentality it would be nice if she came 'round but she probably won't.

    Dia duit, my countryman :slight_smile: It truly is an entrenched culture, almost genetic in nature. Her family isn't Irish, so maybe they don't understand this, but I would think it was obvious since most people go to Catholic schools their entire lives here or have some interaction with the religion...I never thought about her controlling the friendship as well, that makes a lot of sense. Ok with it as long as I was single even if she didn't think we would get back together.