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I told my wife I notice cute guys

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by DecentOne, Feb 18, 2020.

  1. DecentOne

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    Ok, not the best topic to raise at Valentines (don’t try this timing yourselves!!!) but since I’m being open and honest with my wife I didn’t want to avoid this conversation.

    I let her know that I’d been noticing cute guys now and then. She already knows I fantasize about guys in my mind when I masturbate (in general, no specific real person). I let her know it was affirming that I got this bisexual label right after all, since I’m noticing guys, and still very much loving her. She needed to hear that part - that I celebrated this as “yes, I got this right, I’m bisexual” and “yes, I very much love you.”

    She said I’d never let her know I’d noticed cute women during our marriage, so why about the cute guys? She was worried (understandably). I said I’d gone through adolescence (and college years) talking about cute girls with my friends, I’d already worked that stage out of my system by the time she met me. The straight side of me had grown up, matured. But I’m only two years into this gay side of bisexuality, and so I’m a little bit like a teen at this. I’m not doing anything to the cute guys, and I’m not leaving her or cheating on her - I’m just glad to be able to share that I am noticing.

    I know some of you can share with your spouse and both of you point out cute people you see on TV or on the street and be cool with it. My wife is not cool with that! She wants me to be open with her, but she also responds “I can’t believe you would just tell me that?!?” This was not an easy conversation, but it was very real and open and honest and we both ended up appreciating the way we held each other in the spirit of love and commitment to each other as we talked.

    And mostly our Valentines weekend was about romance and all that. But the fact that we could handle this conversation too is something we could not have imagined a couple years ago.
     
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  2. Nickw

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    Hi

    This is so great that you were able to have this conversation and that your wife did not feel too threatened about it. Seems like a significant step forward.

    I can see that not discussing women you find attractive, in the past, may have caused a red flag for your wife when you mention men you find attractive. I've never made it a secret when I found a woman attractive and it has never bothered my wife. It's more like "that woman is hot and he chose me" sort of thinking on her part. I'm the same way. If my wife sees a guy who is really attractive she will sometimes go on a bit about him. I see it as a compliment. I guess we are all wired a bit differently.
     
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  3. DecentOne

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    Yes, for us it is.
    I was getting nervous about being open about my journey, after all the pain it caused my wife. One side effect of coming out and being open with her was her complaining about my sharing, and then her asking me to take care of her feelings. So to do that I had to be less open (but not dishonest). I couldn’t stand it, but I did it for her sake for a little while. Then when I told her I wasn’t sharing everything that I was figuring out about myself, out of respect to her feelings, just as she had asked, but I’d be honest with her about anything she asked, she got upset and said we should have a marriage where we do share with each other without reservation. OK, that’s progress!
     
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  4. SevnButton

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    When when I first noticed people using the word here in this forum I actually had to go look it up to understand what it means in this context. The definition that made the most sense to me was, 'the presentation on the outside truly matches what's on the inside'. I think I'm only beginning to truly understand why that matters. Authenticity seems to make possible something like magic, as if the stars are aligned. Decent one, it looks like you are tapping into that. Good on ya! What could be more important than being truly authentic with the one you hold most dear!
     
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  5. Tightrope

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    Sometimes the looking that is a nanosecond too long tells the significant other what a person, male or female, is processing. It could be admiration or attraction. It could be both. Some very perceptive spouses and partners will pick up on this while others will not. Some will choose not to pick up on it because they'd rather remain in denial.

    This is a great discussion. I have always wondered if and when the other party in the relationship notices the sly glances that a person would prefer went unnoticed. Over time, you just can't put a lid on it.
     
  6. baristajedi

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    That sounds like a really honest and positive conversation, that’s such great news!