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My cousin was outed to me (accidentally)

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Chierro, Feb 18, 2020.

  1. Chierro

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    So, I recently started working at my old high school as a sub for an English teacher who retired mid-school year. My cousin is a freshman at the high school and I've seen them exactly once (which I think is weird but not the point). We're not super close or anything due to an 8 year difference in age and that side of the family just being more distant (my aunt and uncle are super weird).

    But anyways, so I was at lunch today with the other English teachers and the band director comes in making small talk. Then he asked if he could poke our brains about a slight issue that's come up. He pointed out that the band is going on a trip to Disney in May and he has a trans student who doesn't feel comfortable rooming with boys and wanted some advice. And then he said the student's name and that student is my cousin. To which, I didn't really say anything.

    After some clarifying language that they're starting to identify as non-binary and using they/them pronouns. We gave advice on different routes the band director could look into doing. The band director talked about his concerns with us and eventually brought up the student's parents (my aunt and uncle) suing the district already for discrimination things that happened in middle school. At that point I interjected and was like, "Hey, just so you know, I'm [insert name]'s cousin." At which he looked briefly uncomfortable at realizing what he just said.

    So, now I'm in this weird boat. The outing was entirely accidental. It's fairly normal to discuss student issues in private like we were, and he had no reason to know I was related to my cousin since we have different last names. The other English teachers knew, but I think assumed I already knew. From what I can tell, my cousin's out to their family and, I guess, at school.

    I want to be helpful and supportive but 1. I'm not supposed to know yet and 2. we're not super close. Does anyone have any advice?
     
  2. Loves books

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    It doesn’t seem like they are trying to hide it and if they are out at school, and they know you work there, could they assume that you already know?
     
  3. Chierro

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    See, that's the part I don't know. From what I understand, their teachers all just got an email from the one guidance counselor just saying "X would prefer to use they/them pronouns." Everything I have access to with student data (which isn't a lot albeit since I don't have them as a student) still shows gender as male (although it's possible the system only has binary options? I don't know).

    I think it's a case of out to some but not to others. I mean, they don't know I'm gay but like my parents and sister and brother-in-law know. And technically if the band director hadn't come up and asked for suggestions, I would've had no reason to know. While we do discuss students at lunch it's usually "X did this stupid thing in class today so I'm gonna vent for a minute." We don't really discuss students identities or orientations.
     
  4. Mirko

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    Given the nature of the discussion, I would treat it as any other confidential discussion on student issues or like in this case a question on which another teacher needed guidance.

    Even though the subject concerned your cousin, you are still in a position of authority, information was shared, and as such need to maintain the professional boundaries.

    I would suggest to wait until your cousin opens up the conversation and show your support thereafter and let them know that you are there for them. Let your cousin take the lead.

    I would also suggest (if you haven't done so yet) to reassure the other teacher that what was shared will remain private and confidential. You want to make sure that the teacher and others know that they can trust you on issues that might come close to home. :slight_smile:
     
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  5. D Artagnan

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    @Chierro

    I was in a similar situation.

    You have to separate your personal life from your professional life. The confidentiality as a teacher has to come first if you want to continue in that field. Yes, it sucks being in that position but it is what it is.

    I would however approach the band director and expand on your comment that the student in question is your cousin so that the situation isn't awkward between you and your co-workers. I would tell him exactly what you told us here about not being close to your cousin and your aunt and uncle. I would also add that you didn't know about your cousin's situation.

    I'm sure this type of situation happens all the time in schools. You just have to take the approach of 'what happens at school, stays at school'. As far as your cousin goes, I'd wait for them to come to you as I think if you approached them in could make both (school and family) situations awkward.
     
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  6. Chierro

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    I did right away, that's why I said like, "Hey, just so you know, they're my cousin" but we also have an agreement that whatever's said at lunch stays at lunch, I wouldn't have any real reason to go share that with anyone as I know personally I wouldn't really want people going around talking about me being gay. Weirdly enough, right before this happened, we were actually having a discussion about teaching kids or relatives. Personally, if I had a say I wouldn't teach any of my cousins (I have several in the district on both sides) just because it could become a conflict of interest.

    It was admittedly weird not being able to tell my mom about that part of my day since I usually share every mundane and weird detail on my way home and sometimes gossip I just hear about things. But, not my place to share that.
    He actually did ask at the point if I was close to my cousin and we kind of talked about it then. I think he was asking if we were close because then it could be helpful to get someone close to them to talk about their thoughts on the trip since I have no clue if they've managed to form any close connections with any of their teachers yet. And I did say that while I had been assuming for a while that my cousin fell somewhere within the community (my guess was gay but they'd also recently shared something on social media about non-binary peeps soo) but that I wasn't aware, since the band director did look a little concerned that he may have said something he shouldn't have in front of me.
     
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  7. Mirko

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    Ah... it is good that you have already addressed it then and spoken with the teacher further, as it for some reason seemed (from your first post) that it wasn't already addressed, and you know where the boundaries are. :slight_smile:
     
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  8. Chierro

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    I had wanted to make it clear right away but then he just went right into "so they're non-binary" and I had to try and find a good place to slide that into the conversation which was on a very valid topic he was asking us that I didn't want to suddenly derail. I thought I had made that clear in the first post but, looking back, it seems I did not.

    I definitely know that if the district hires me full-time I definitely want to be a better advocate for LGBT students (the current advisor of the new GSA is known to have made homophobic slurs) but also wouldn't want to teach my cousin just because that'd be super weird.
     
  9. Mirko

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    Not to change the topic of the thread but reading this sentence, I am curious, have you tried doing something already, say volunteer your time to participate in an event or offer to help with something?
     
  10. Chierro

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    Honestly, I would but apparently the GSA's only event for the rest of the school year was a bake sale they did for Valentine's Day. They're brand new so I would've expected more but I guess that's it. And they meet during a period where I either teach or run the library, so sadly not much I'm able to do there.

    And I really would love to help them. Apparently some students have already stopped participating and told the one teacher that it's been becoming more like a therapy session (without any sort of therapist) and that the teacher doesn't really know what she's doing with them. I may not fully know what I'd be doing, but I definitely have a better idea of the community and their needs in a small town than straight, cis, known-to-have-said-homophobic-slurs female teacher.

    There's another group I've reached out to and am willing to assist them since I was involved with them in high school and the advisor is still the same, not LGBT-related, but definitely firming up connections in the school.
     
  11. LostInDaydreams

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    When you say the teacher has been known to make homophobic comments, is that something you’ve personally heard them do or is it local/school gossip?

    I’m just wondering whether it’s been reported/addressed.

    And was the set up of the GSA student driven or was it put in place by staff? Teenagers are usually capable of running their own groups, with adult supervision.
     
  12. Chierro

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    Things I've heard around that she said when she was getting divorced. I didn't hear it personally which is why I don't engage in that discourse about her when I hear it. However, there are plenty of other reasons why she's a bad teacher. She's got reasons to be considered problematic.

    From what I understand, it was student-driven...just questionable with how it's running from what I've heard from the other teachers.
     
  13. Mirko

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    Ah okay. Hopefully helping out with the GSA, will materialise at some point; great though that you have reached out another group.