1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Being coerced by friends/holding boundaries

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by anonmember, Feb 17, 2020.

  1. anonmember

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2018
    Messages:
    443
    Likes Received:
    33
    Location:
    Somewhere in the United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    As you guys may remember, 2 years ago, during a get together at my house, 2 of my friends from high school pressured me into telling them my big secret. They could tell I was stressed. The reason I was stressed is because I’m bisexual and I was afraid about how it would impact my life and what I would do about it.

    They asked me “what are you stressed about?” I said “I don’t want to talk about it.”

    They said “Got any secrets?”

    I lied “No.”

    They said “You sure?”

    I finally said “Yes, but I can’t tell you.”

    After like half an hour of pressuring I finally said with a nervous voice “I’m bisexual.”

    It was probably the most embarrassing moments of my life. They were super supportive. But I still worried the news got out.

    I was worried I would lose them as friends and they would end the get together and be mad if I didn’t respond quickly.

    Brene Brown talks about boundaries. what would be a better way to hold a boundary next time? I can be bad at hiding stress and anxiety. My friends read me like a book
     
    #1 anonmember, Feb 17, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2020
  2. Devil Dave

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2015
    Messages:
    1,077
    Likes Received:
    305
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    On one hand, it's good you've got friends who know you well and are supportive of you, but on the other hand, people should know when to take no for an answer.

    Have you tried saying "I don't treat you like that, so don't treat me like that" ?

    Or, maybe say "ask me another time, I don't want to talk about it right now." Then you can take time to think about what you want to say when the subject comes up again.

    Just because they can tell something is bothering you doesn't give them the right to demand you tell them. They should respect your decision to not talk about something you're not feeling ready to talk about.
     
  3. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    A simple way to address it is "I know you are trying to help, but this is actually making things worse. If you care about me as a friend, you'll honor my wish to not discuss this at this point."

    The problem is that some people have no boundaries and believe they are entitled to know everything about someone, so this isn't failsafe, but it will usually work.
     
  4. anonmember

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2018
    Messages:
    443
    Likes Received:
    33
    Location:
    Somewhere in the United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    What should I do if this fails?
     
  5. Devil Dave

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2015
    Messages:
    1,077
    Likes Received:
    305
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You said your friends can "read you like a book". If they really can read you, then they should be able to tell if you are becoming even more distressed and uncomfortable by how they are treating you. They might not be intentionally harming you, but we are all capable of upsetting people we care about when trying to do them some good.

    If you feel yourself becoming pressured by your friends, take a deep breath. Ask them to back off and stop smothering you, and if they persist, tell them "stop talking over me and listen."

    Think about how you are feeling when they are treating you this way, and think about how you would prefer them to treat you.
     
  6. OGS

    OGS
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2014
    Messages:
    2,716
    Likes Received:
    728
    Location:
    Chicago, IL
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    What Chip said is pretty much exactly what I would say and, frankly, if after you say that they still persist I think you should reevaluate the friendship. But to be honest I think you'll be surprised how people react to really frank honesty like that.
     
  7. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I agree with OGS here. If they continue to persist, you could say "Look, I'm setting a boundary here. You may not like it, but it's here, it's solid, and it isn't changing. If you can't respect it, then I guess I need to leave and avoid spending time until you get to a place you can respect my boundaries."

    Part of the issue you're facing is age-related. Teens tend to spend a lot of time in groups, and there's a milieu of shared experience, and often the idea that everyone is open about everything, and someone "isn't being honest" if they're holding on to something. But as we get into adulthood, then the shared-experience and group thinking gives way to a more personal sense of individuality that isn't as much a group thing. I wouldn't expect your friends to understand this, but that's basically what's going on. Time will change it, but in the meantime, you may need to take a break. If they come back, and honor your boundaries, they are real friends. If they get butthurt that you won't be honest, they aren't friends that really have your back.