I am 29 years old and have always thought of myself as a heterosexual woman. I have only ever had one relationship (with a man) about 8 years ago. I liked him at the time and I suppose I enjoyed being intimate although I was very anxious and anything much more than kissing made me uncomfortable. Just assumed it was because I was an anxious person in a first relationship. Anyway, I haven’t had a relationship since and haven’t really been interested in one - I’ve only ever considered heterosexual relationships because that’s how I thought of myself. I’ve been on a few dates with men but nothing ever comes of it because I don’t really want it to. A few things in the past have made me question my sexuality and I have thought about whether I could be a lesbian at various points but I have always concluded that I am not, for different reasons. It troubles me that I don’t just ‘know’ - I feel like I should know my sexuality. HOWEVER! I met a lesbian woman, as a friend, I didn’t even know she was a lesbian to start with. We haven’t known each other very long but we get along well and I really like her. The thought of seeing her excites me, every time my phone goes off I hope it’s her and my mind has wandered to imagining us together in a more intimate sense - and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like the idea of that. I feel like I have fallen for her massively. I have never felt this way about anyone, male or female, before. She has no idea about this and I feel awful for it - she thinks I am straight. I would never say anything to her or make any kind of move until I was absolutely certain about myself. I feel I need to distance myself from her a little for now - I don’t want to lie to her and I don’t want to hurt her in anyway. I am so confused. This has all come as a bit of a surprise to me! Help??
Hello Emilia, and welcome to EC. I can't say for sure, of course, but you could be a lesbian, or you might even be bisexual. Your statement about the one relationship you've been in could honestly go either way--being nervous/uncomfortable because it was a new relationship, or uncomfortable because there wasn't any real chemistry between you and this man. As for your friend, try not to stress too much. Give yourself time to work through these newly-discovered feelings, and if you don't know what label fits you or don't want to concern yourself with labels, that's fine! There's no pressure, because this experience is uniquely yours. Perhaps, as your friendship becomes more comfortable (and if your feelings remain or become more persistent) you can tell your friend how you feel--if not in whole, than maybe in part? You could tell her that you've recently begun to question yourself, and if she seems open to the discussion, go on from there. But again, there's really no pressure. Take as much time as you need to process things.
Hello, welcome. Your post could have been me at 29; I totally related to it, to the word, pretty much. (I am a woman, who identifies as bi, but with a strong slant toward women. Let's say 70%/30% split, or stronger.) The only thing different is that I had many indications, that I chose to ignore, much earlier on than you, that I liked women. The mind is an amazing thing, being so capable of masking from us what is sometimes completely obvious. In your case, it sounds like you don't frequently experience strong attractions to people in general, so this makes sussing out your attractions even more difficult. However, what you described toward your lesbian friend sounds like classic romantic attractions & feelings to me, if that helps? If you've never experienced that before with either a man or a woman, well, now you have! Regarding your fears about somehow damaging your friend or something...you don't have the plague, and having a new-to-you attraction isn't a crime. I think it might clear a lot of air, though, mostly for you at this point, if you express to your friend that you've found that you might be experiencing attraction toward the same sex for the first time, & that it's a bit disorienting for you, but you wanted to share it with someone and she seemed like someone who would be understanding. At the same time, if this woman is someone that you might *really* like to have a chance with in the future & you don't want her viewing you as someone who's wanting someone to take them under their wing in a maternal way, perhaps choose another LGB person or ally to confide in, & focus on just enjoying the process of getting to know your friend, & letting what comes, come (potentially with flirting!) instead. As long as you are honest with your friend about your intentions or lack thereof, she's a big girl & can take care of herself. Obviously since you're worried about her getting hurt or about you potentially being mistaken about your feelings or your readiness to truly pursue a female-female relationship, you're not the kind of person who would wittingly string someone along. You be honest & forthcoming, and let your friend be responsible for her own heart. Good luck!
Hi and welcome. You can possibly talk to your friend about people she has met and how she felt meeting those people. If you fell you have the same feelings towards her, you might be lesbian. You did mention that anything above kissing a guy did ot make you feel comfortable. If you feel comfortable with your friend, you can always ask her out, maybe not big if you want to test the waters, but maybe go for a coffee on morning. Peace and Love
Thank you to all of you for replying. I've tried to reply to individual messages but it won't seem to let me. Maybe I am doing something wrong! In any case, I really appreciate the support and things you have given me to think about.
Hey welcome to EC. Don't worry the forum takes a little while to get the hang of, or at least it did me but you will soon get there.
