Hey y'all! I'm new here. And I believe in getting right to the point. So, here goes... I'm a 40ish bisexual woman feeling a bit trapped in my marriage. We've been together for over 10 years, but we both have many issues. For starters, he is much older than me, and fairly conservative. He also has health issues. He was diagnosed about a year and a half ago with Parkinson's Disease and is developing back issues. He knew that I was bisexual before we ever got together, but I'm not sure he realized what that meant. Throughout our marriage, until recently, I was not very vocal about my attraction to women. I also lost my mother to Parkinson's Disease a few years ago (what are the freaking chances? I know), so we both know a bit about what to expect. He helped me quite a bit, taking care of my mother. I quit my job because helping her became a full time job. Then, I developed some health issues of my own. I don't want to get into the gory details, but suffice it to say between both of our health issues, it has been impossible for me to go back to work. I probably could now, but honestly, am just waiting for the other shoe to drop with his condition. In the meantime, I'm sort of coming out/wanting to experiment with women, and feeling like a truly awful human being for even thinking about this stuff while we have so much on our plates. I dated a few women when I was younger, but nothing too serious. And I was very open about my sexuality when he and I met and started dating. But being a caregiver (twice!) has left me extremely isolated. I really don't have any close friends anymore. I am seeing a therapist regularly. I just think when my mom died, I got a tiny taste of my own mortality, and decided to COME OUT. Ya know? I really do love and adore my husband. He is my rock! Unfortunately, he's not very open minded. And with each passing day, I feel like my chained up lesbian side is pounding on the door! Advice? Questions?
I love this description. I’m gay and completely relate to this. I was stuck in a heterosexual relationship and it often felt like this. Have you tried to explain the extent of your feelings to your husband? Do you feel like female friends would help you feel less isolated? I’m thinking a LGBT group or lesbian/bisexual group. Do you feel the need to act on your feelings? Do you think your husband would consider opening up the marriage?
Yeah. I I know. For me it was my father. I saw so much of myself in him. . I REALLY relate to this. The more I tried to tell the gay part of my bi self to hush up, the louder he needed to scream to be heard. After I came out as bi here on Empty Closets, then later to my wife and a few other people, I was surprised to find the gay part of myself calming down. My advice to you would be to find some expression for your lesbian self. Recognize her and honor her. That doesn't necessarily mean you need to be sexually intimate with another woman, but it does mean that you need to find people to whom you can calmly and simply say Your Truth. I think your isolation is a another big factor coming in to play here. It has been for me but for different reasons. I think you should put some focus on developing some friendships. Just having someone that you can contact and invite for a cup of coffee is huge. Best wishes!
Hey welcome to EC. The above posters have some great points and advice. I'm sorry you are in a tough position.
Yes, this is very relatable. I notice it gets easier when I acknowledge that other side of me, too. Honestly, even just finding some (really sometimes terrible) rom coms with a female couple as the center of the plot line and staying up late to watch it after my family is on bed does it for me. Or coming on here. Or talking to my bisexual guy friend from college who is fucking adorable and does the poly thing and I love him so much and hearing about his sexcapades and laughing over silly college memories. It keeps me grounded in knowing that who I was before marriage is still a relevant part of me...which really, really helps.
Lost, I have tried so many times to explain my feelings. He's definitely not willing to have an open marriage. He's waaay too conservative for that. Omg, I feel the need to act on my feelings, but dare not. I am definitely feeling that a female friend, or any flavor LGBT friend would help me to feel less isolated. He has said he wouldn't mind if I took part in an online or local support group, so this is where I'm starting. Thanks so much for your kind reply.
Sevn, so sorry to hear about your father. I definitely see a lot of my mother in me. I was talking with my therapist today about this very thing. That is, finding my tribe, and not focusing so much on the intimacy. I agree that the isolation is definitely working against me. I am definitely in need of some friendship from some like minded LGBT peeps. That is why I chose to start here. Thanks so much for your kind reply.
Ha ha! I know what you mean about the rom coms. Or female cops - Yum! It does seem to help me feel less closeted and less isolated to chat on here. Thanks for your kind reply.
@Velma A support group sounds like a good place to start. Hopefully you’ll find somebody who can relate and talking to them will help. You’ve found EC too. I’ve always found this forum to be good place to vent and process my thoughts/feelings. Do you think you’d go as far as ending your marriage? You mention that you’re not working, so I don’t know whether it’s something that you’re weighing up or not.
Hi Velma - Yes! Yes!! Yes!!! That's it, that's the great big thing missing in my life -- it's MY TRIBE that I'm looking for. It's a sense of belonging to, benefiting from, and contributing to a group. Do you have any ideas on how to find that?
Yeah, I know I'm brand new, but so far, everyone on EC has been really nice and welcoming. You guys are a much needed breath of fresh air. I don't think I'm even capable of ending my marriage. I love my hubby sooo much!! He's been my rock for a long time. I really want to stick by his side; he deserves it. Our relationship has changed so much recently. Caregiver and wife is an extremely challenging set of roles to pull off on a good day. I think I have really, really needed to have someone to talk to. It's really nice to have some folks who understand.
Oh, sweetie, I wish!! I have a lot of pretty words, but I don't know wth I'm doing, lol. That's why I'm here. I know that's what I'm after, because I was privileged enough to have it once upon a time, but how to find it??? If I ever find out, I'll bottle it and sell it.
Well, if you figure out how to bottle it and sell it, I'll be your first customer! This feels like an important step for me. It's like I can put a tag on what it is that has been missing in my life. It's kind of strange, because I connect with lots and lots of people at work. There are plenty of people that I greet, and we even maybe open up to each other just a little bit. But they don't feel like my tribe. Here's what I've figured out so far: relationships are built on connections that take time to create. The more connections I have with someone, the stronger the relationship with that person. Most of the people I work with, I have only one connection with them; that is we work together. If I can build another connection with someone from work (like running for exercise together) then our relationship is stronger. Then if we can add another connection, like sharing a philosophical believe, it keeps building the relationship. So, why doesn't that happen? Maybe the answer will be in that bottle I buy from you!
I think you're on the right track with the multiple connections = relationship building. Idk how to "make that happen". I find it's easier to sort of let things happen organically. I think there's a balancing act with how hard one tries. On the one hand, you do have to make an effort, allow yourself to be a bit vulnerable, and reach out to people. But, there is such a thing as trying too hard. I personally hate small talk; I'm fairly direct. But many folks can get turned off if things get too personal too quickly. I'm not sure what your approach is, or for how long you've been at it. Sometimes, you have to just keep plugging along. I find it very easy to chat with you. Just please don't ask me to go for a run, lol. You will see a grown woman cry.
I m really sorry you're going through this, it must be so suffocating to feel so isolated and in need of other connections. Your Husband is thoughtful to support you joining groups that will help your situation, I do hope you find a group you ll able to find the place to breathe and find peace in
Velma, that's brilliant! A couple of a couple of weeks ago I was with a friend walking his dog. He threw a ball for the dog and the ball went out of our view. We went to where we thought the ball was, and we looked for a while and couldn't find it. We gave up and started to walk away and immediately found the ball as soon as we stopped trying! We had a good laugh at that as we both saw the wisdom in not trying too hard. I think what I should do is acknowledge that I want to find my tribe, and simply allow it, then let it go. Someone once described to me the usefulness of small talk. It is useful as a starting point, sort of testing the waters to see if it's time to jump in. But a conversation that is nothing but small talk is not satisfying. I crave going deep, but at the same time I hold back.
Well, there are no new developments. My therapist and I had an interesting chat this week. The TL;DR version is she thinks my husband is responding to my ambiguity. He's rather passive and tends to follow my lead. But right now, I'm not really leading... So, she told me I should make up my mind. Well, as far as what I tell him, so we both can have a bit more stability. So, basically, I took it upon myself to reassure him that I'm not going anywhere. And that I still love him as much as I always have. So, I'm sort of in this awkward state of dull acceptance. I mean, my therapist normally encourages folks to come out, come out, wherever they are, lol, but make sure you're safe first. Ya know?? And my hubby has made it very clear that he is pretty supportive of who I am. I mean we talk about everything. But he doesn't want to share me. So, for now, it's enough to gaze at the gays from afar, to ogle beautiful women, and elbow my husband when we're out together, and say, "Oohh! Look at her! Yummy!!" And, it really helps to come on here and be able to speak my truth. How are things with you, Sevn?
Things with me things with me right now are great!, even though things between me and my wife are difficult. I'm tapping into paying attention to what brings me joy, then using that to make my decisions. Yesterday evening I was about to do my exercises, which are important, but I decided to pull out my guitar instead. It makes all the difference!
