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I’ve been in denial for years about being Sexually attracted to women.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Nicenic, Feb 15, 2020.

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  1. Nicenic

    Nicenic
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    When I was younger I was always a “Tom boy” . I never gave it a second thought. People around me began questioning my sexual orientation before I even knew who I was.
    If I was asked I always said I was straight. Most recently I believe I’m bi or a lesbian. I have always dated guys. I never wanted to admit to myself that I could be truly sexually attracted to a women. Sex with men has been good in the past but I feel like it would be better with a woman.
    I am afraid to tell anyone because my friends always joke that I should marry my best friend who is a female. I don’t see my best friend romantically at this point in my life. I do feel that I was in love with her about 15 years ago but not now. Additionally I have had romantic feelings about certain female friends in the past (all straight except 1). I never really acted or shared my feelings with anyone. I even denied it to myself. Coming out, I feel like this will create an awkwardness with many of my relationships if I were to say I think I might be bi sexual or questioning. I’m in my late 30s so I feel like many people including friends and family members will judge me harshly for always denying having feelings towards females. I want to live authenticity but I don’t even fully know I who I am.
    Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.
     
    #1 Nicenic, Feb 15, 2020
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  2. BiGemini87

    BiGemini87
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    Hello again, Nicenic.

    I too was a Tomboy, but I don't know if that has any correlation with sexuality (it would be interesting to look into, though). Whether you are bi or lesbian, it's probably going to take some time to really sort through all of your feelings. I think for some, it's a bit like the grieving period--you're saying goodbye to the version of you you've built up around yourself, the version others have seen and the version you probably believed to be your true self, when it was more like an incomplete image.

    There's no pressure to come out to your family and friends until you're ready--if you ever are. It's a big change, at least on a psychological level, so it's understandable if you need to take time to rediscover who you are, first. Be patient with yourself; you'll sort things out. :slight_smile:
     
    #2 BiGemini87, Feb 15, 2020
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  3. Nicenic

    Nicenic
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    BiWriter87 Hello back at you ☺️. I definitely plan on coming out to my family at some point. We are super close. It’s difficult to have patience, only because I feel like I wasted so much of life hiding from myself. You know what I mean? Again thank you for you’re kind response. Greatly appreciated
     
    #3 Nicenic, Feb 15, 2020
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  4. Nicenic

    Nicenic
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    BiWriter87,

    The whole Tom boy comment. I never intended to offend anyone by that. I don’t want buy into the stereotypes that all girls who are considered Tom boys are any more inclined to be bi or a lesbian.
     
    #4 Nicenic, Feb 15, 2020
  5. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    Hi @Nicenic

    I was in my late twenties when I first started questioning. As part of that, I looked back for signs or “evidence” of my sexuality. Ultimately, how you feel now is really the only thing that matters, but I think looking for missed signs is completely normal.

    I was in a long term heterosexual relationship when I started questioning. At the beginning of the relationship, sex was pleasant enough that it didn’t cause me question my sexuality. It never really clicked or became exciting, but I figured that was done to comparability with my ex-partner. After I worked out my sexuality, I found sex with my ex difficult to tolerate. On the whole, however, I would describe it more as utterly boring, than repulsive.

    It’s a huge thing to process. For me, it was more about being oblivious than denying feelings, but either way, it’s really hard to process all this new information. In some ways, you have to rewrite the narrative of your life. Take your time and be kind to yourself. There’s no rush to figure it all out.

    I don’t know your family and friends or how they are likely to react, but EC has taught me that questioning later in life isn’t as uncommon as you might think. Before I joined EC, I felt like I must be the first person in world to have not figured their sexuality out in their teens. Finding others and being able talk about it on EC has enabled me to come to terms with it, but that did take time. I’ve only told four friends so far and they haven’t even batted an eyelid.

    Take your time. There’s no rush to figure everything out and find a label that fits. If you don’t want a label, that’s fine too - I identified as “prefers women” for months. Keep posting here, it helps.
     
    #5 LostInDaydreams, Feb 15, 2020
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  6. BiGemini87

    BiGemini87
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    I definitely feel you on that. It's a bit like trying to play catch up when it happens; kind of like experiencing all of the repressed/subconscious thoughts and feelings all at once.

    No offense taken at all. ^^ It just got me thinking, is all.
     
    #6 BiGemini87, Feb 16, 2020
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  7. Nicenic

    Nicenic
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    LostInDaydreams,

    Thanks so much for your replies. It’s just a little easier knowing I have support on here
     
    #7 Nicenic, Feb 16, 2020
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  8. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    You’re welcome. Any questions, just ask. :slight_smile:
     
    #8 LostInDaydreams, Feb 16, 2020
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  9. ellief

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    i completely understand what your going through. i am questioning as well and i feel as if i've been denying it all along but i still don't know for sure so don't worry you are not alone :slight_smile:
     
    #9 ellief, Feb 17, 2020
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  10. Rin311

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    First of all, it’s very common to still be figuring yourself out when you’re in your 20’s, 30’s, and even older. We have plenty of examples of people in just that position here on EC and there’s nothing wrong with that in any way. It makes a lot of sense, in my opinion - we need more time to acknowledge ourselves, make peace with and accept ourselves, figure out our own identity. It all takes time.
    The whole issue of figuring out what you feel towards women/men and what you want to do and who you want to be with is difficult. More frustrating than the difficulty is the fact that it can’t be done quickly. It takes time. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself all the time you need to figure things out, explore and reach your own conclusions. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. You’ll get there eventually. Take care.
     
    #10 Rin311, Feb 18, 2020
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