When I was in puberty I had few crushes on girls. It would usually start by me entering into new social situation when some new girl was introduced in my social circle and I would start thinking about this girl all the time. Since I was always shy, I didn't act much on those feelings and I tried to keep them a secret. I changed my social circle once again when I was a teenager and I've met a guy who I was impressed and obsessed by. He was very popular and had very sociable character and we became good friends. I told other people how I was impressed with this new friend of mine and how I wanted to become like him, but I don't think I just wanted to be like him, although that is what I used to say to myself. I am pretty sure that this guy had other gay guys orbiting him just like me, but I am not yet comfortable talking about it. Thing is some people noticed that we spent a lot of time together and asked me if we were gays. This question was very disturbing for me and I started questioning myself and I think I went into denial that I had feelings for this guy and I think that I installed homophobia inside myself just so that I wouldn't be "that people". Thing is were I live and my social circumstances this things aren't tolerable and everyone is in the closet or in denial. Since then I was actively trying to suppress any emotion I would even start to get for any guy, and I had few more crushes on girls since then and tried to act on them but with no results. I had no sexual interactions or relationships until now. I had very religious upbringing. When I started masturbating I had bad shame about it. At first I didn't think of anything during masturbation, afterwards I would mostly think of girls and porn and mostly in straight way since I would think anything else was wrong. To this day my sexual experiences are porn and masturbation. I think that I am very much in denial of my same sex attractions, what do you guys think?
Hi Barathum! Sounds like you're pretty conflicted about this. Reading your post, you mentioned lots of sexual/romantic interest in girls, but less so for this guy - sounds like you definitely admire him, but whether there's anything else going on is unclear. Some questions that might help put things into perspective a little better: When you're fantasising about girls - does this come naturally? Or is it forced in some way, since you mentioned that you think fantasising about other things is wrong? You said you fantasise "mostly" in a straight way. Have you ever fantasised about guys? If so, how did it make you feel? When you're out walking, are you looking more at girls, guys or a bit of both? Let's say that being gay was accepted in your area, so you don't need to worry at all about how people see you. This guy says he has feelings for you and asks you out on a date. What would you do in that situation? Hope this makes things a bit clearer!
Thing is I didn't start fantasizing much only after I met this guy and I didn't want to fantasize anything but girls, anything else would me be gay which I didn't wanted to be. Now I am pretty uncomfortable with myself about fantasizing about anything. I haven't fantasied about guys it mostly doesn't do anything for me and if I try it generally makes me uncomfortable. If I don't think about anything related to sexuality I would say I look at both. If it is warm whether I think I will look at anything that is more skin revealing. However I always notice muscular torsos and I am somehow impressed by them. Like when buying underwear my eyes will always notice pictures of torsos quickly. I don't get horny with this however. I would probably date him. I am pretty sure my infatuation was actually romantic feelings.
I generally don't know how to figure this out. I am very afraid I am going in wrong direction in my life. I have been self-development junkie for last few years and I always thought that only problem with me is that I am not trying hard enough. Now that I see it is that I am trying to fit myself into a box that I don't fit. I think I always had homosexual attractions, but I only willfully fantasized about straight ones.
It looks to me like there might be some same-sex attraction going on. I mean, you've taken an important step even by acknowledging that there could be denial of some sort happening. If the stress is coming from not knowing what you are, all I'd say is these things can take a lot of time but in any case you don't need all the answers now. (I've found that paradoxically, the more you think about it the further the answer gets because you aren't in the right frame of mind to notice or embrace feelings when they come). Just because you're not sure what box you fit in won't stop you from improving yourself in other areas of life. In any case I would say going in the right direction in life is less about who you date and more about what choices you make and what you do. If it's coming more from the social environment, you don't have to disclose this stuff anywhere beyond here if you don't want to. Might be worth having a look at some stuff in coming out advice / family & friends sections for advice on that side of things.
Hey @Barathum , Please don't panic. Many people can become confused about their sexuality because most societies dictate that someone must be "either-or." That leaves no middle ground nor does it allow straight people the space to simply question their own sexuality. And, frankly, simply questioning your own sexuality does not make you LGBTQ. The ultimate answer to this is that ONLY you can understand your own sexuality. While many people here on EC can provide you with advice based on our own experiences as LGBTQ people, the answer that you are looking for lies within yourself and none of us can tell you that answer. What we can (and will) do is talk to you openly and honestly about your concerns and you feelings. Based on what you have posted so far, I would say that you seem to be overreacting to concerns about the possibility of having homosexual feelings. It doesn't sound to me like you really do, but if you were to acknowledge such feelings, what is the harm (to yourself) in privately accepting such feelings? Never be afraid of gaining a greater understanding of yourself. Even if it isn't ulitmately the most positive view you may want of yourself, at least you know WHO you truly are. (In this case, in terms of sexual orientation.) At this point, I would like to provide this as a completely informal 'test': When you (without the use of pornography) fantasize and become sexually aroused, is it to women, men, or both? When you masturbate (again without the use of pornography), do you 'cum' to thoughts of males or females or both? When you (again, without the use of pornography) fantasize and become sexually aroused, is it to women, men, or both? My 2cents. QR
Thanks for the support. I am at times terrified that I am discussing anything here, but I am in point of my life I need to because I think I will lead very miserable life otherwise. I am also terrified of my society because of how homophobic it is. I have a lot of straight male friends that if they know I am even questioning this they wouldn't talk to me anymore, maybe some would even plot to beat me up. Thing is, I am sure I was in love with this friend of mine but I am generally very reluctant to give any information that would in anyway disclose who I might be in real life. Regarding the sexual fantasies and masturbation. When I masturbate I am comfortable with masturbating thinking about girls. I masturbated few times thinking about guys, it was okay at the moment but I had guilt afterwards. I have problem with thinking about guys since I know that most of them are homophobic and would lose their minds if they found out. I guess the girls would lose they minds too but anyway I have much more guilt about guys. I also think that I don't like penises, they freak me out. I am very self conscious and I am generally very afraid of other peoples and society in general. Other thing that bothers me is that I am not attracted to some girls that are otherwise attractive to guys. When it comes to girls I am much more pickier than most straight guys. I personally don't think that sexuality is just about who you masturbate and fantasize about. For example I think when I am romantically attracted to girl I tend to idealize her as a person and I think I have strong impulse to do things for them. With this guy friend I had crush on I was thinking of him why doesn't he threat me right and similar things when he fooled around with me in a typical guy fashion, I think I expected of him that he does things for me. I am having problem with pornography addiction through my life, I think I often watch it because I am bored or sometimes when I have same sex attraction to prove to myself that I still have opposite sex attractions. I sometimes have sexual dreams when I am thinking that I masturbate to porn and I am afraid of being caught. In last few years I was considering to go on full no-fap mode to see what my orientation is but this is almost impossible to me. I once was on no-fap for 3 months. I mostly think I am straight when I am horny and when I don't masturbate for a few days.
