Hey everyone, Just something I want to get off my mind. I think I am mostly straight (the mostly is gay fantasy thoughts and masturbating) but I can be quite fluid at times. Weeks/months at a time, gay fantasies are a turn off. However, I have had some bad luck dating and emotional abusive girlfriend over the years. I feel that after a period of hurt after the relationship ends or not being asked for a second date/third date for a girl I liked i turn to gay fantasy and masturbating as escape from the pain (it is an escape because I can't get attached to men) As a result of the gay masturbation. Then I think I might be gay and in denial and could give it a go. Like go to a gay club or flirt with some men then. Then when It comes to it I just loose interest and ended up fancying a girl again. Anyone come across this before?
Masturbation fantasies are generally a pretty accurate gauge of where your authentic sexual orientation lies. What you get aroused by is coming mostly from the unconscious, unaffected by your conscious fears, judgments, beliefs, etc. Thus, it is highly possible that when the 'turn off' period is happening, it's really your conscious mind going "Hey, I'm not gay. I don't want to be gay." It's not at all uncommon, for example, to have a highly arousing masturbation fantasy about a same-sex experience or person, and then, moments after ejaculation, to be completely disgusted and repulsed by it. That's a byproduct of the shift from being driven by the unconscious desires (during masturbation) to the conscious judgment (immediately after ejaculation.) So it's quite possible that you are gay. The 'I can't get attached to men' is not uncommon in the early stages of coming to terms with not being straight, and again, often a 'protection' of sorts, the conscious mind going 'Nuh-uh, can't do that, not OK, that's a whole lotta nope" as a defense against accepting our authentic selves. There's also another factor that can enter in, which is fear or discomfort with *any* true emotional intimacy. That has its roots in our family-of-origin experiences. It can make it hard to let anyone, male or female, in to our authentic emotionally available selves. It sounds like you'd be ready to explore what it might be like to be with a guy. A lot depends on what you're after. If you go to a club (or use a hookup app), what you'll likely get is a one-night stand that comes with physical gratification, but not much else. Most people, especially if it's a first time, find this pretty empty or even feel really shitty afterwards. But there can also be a sense of excitement and 'this feels right' that comes with it... no way to predict which (or even both) you'll experience, except by trying it. Please be safe; use condoms if you're doing any anal. I'd suggest avoiding alcohol or other drugs and especially avoiding taking anything provided by the person you're hooking up with. Sad to say but date rape and spiking drinks is not uncommon, and being in possession of your mental capacity will help you make good choices about what feels right in the moment.
H Hey, thanks for taking time to reply. These fantasies are nothing new to me. Just, I am older, I think it is important to explore this before get into a serious relationship. As I just find it hard to see how they fit in my life. I have lots fantasies/ masturbating over women and men. I have had lots of sex with women. Some amazing so rubbish I think you're right, I need to at least try, like kiss a man at first.
I agree with Chip. Masturbation fantasies are a good indicator. I would say that you are falling into learned behaviors also. After you notice the gay fantasies, you revert back to what you know. I would at least give it a try. The worst thing that happens is you find out you don't like it. The beer at a gay club tastes just as good as anywhere else. Peace and Love.
