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Social adaptation

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Katelyn93, Jan 16, 2020.

  1. Katelyn93

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    Hi there,

    I assume (probably not the best idea) that most transgirls were raised to be and act like men. They joked about the typical stuff and carried themselves as such. I mean I know I can blend in well enough and it's not effort because I've done it for years, though I am a tad of a social outcast/loner and a softy so even then not your typical guy I think.

    So when you transition or even before if you just wanted to go out as yourself or whatever the situation was, how did you, if at all, learn to fit in or adapt to be more feminine and girly? You are still you so unless you already had that personality as such, did you practice or something? Did it just come naturally?

    What if you aren't inline with what's considered, even by your own standards, as feminine?

    Obviously it's not like you owe the world perfect femininity or that you have to fit into the stereotype. So if you just go on like you used to, I guess that's fine too right?

    Hugs,
    Katelyn
     
  2. alwaysforever

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    Trans individuals come from all walks of life and with different life stories. Some of us had parents who were good role models and others do not. Transition, for those who choose to go through it, is a process that is ongoing through the course of life. Not everyone who is transgender decides to transition, and that's okay.

    Even people who were assigned female at birth and raised with that assumption don't necessarily meet the stereotypical feminine standards, because that ideal is just that, an ideal. It's an impossible standard brought about in a patriarchal society which places all sorts of unrealistic expectation on women in the first place. Sorting out what is internalized from outside expectation(often informed by the patriarchy) and what comes from inside is a process that cisgender women experience as well when growing to adulthood. Sorting out internalized misogyny and inner identity is something both trans women and cisgender women struggle with, although the experiences of both vary.
     
  3. Katelyn93

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    This is true too. I know a few ladies that aren't exactly feminine by most standards. It is a rather flawed concept I suppose.

    The question is more in line with how some people climb out of their previous mindsets or habits they developed of they were on the more masculine side of the scale. How do you just be you rather than auto default back to your persona you have to survive. I don't know if I'm working it right. Or how do you allow yourself to express some things you've been biting back, that you've come to accept as a taboo and avoid almost instinctively.

    Maybe this whole train of thought has been derailed.
     
  4. Mihael

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    I’m a dude but I have some thoughts on the subject. I found that coming out to people taught me how to behave in more typical ways that men do. It’s not difficult to adjust, it comes naturally, however, I find that coming out helps a lot, you get access to a lot of arbitrary social codes and trends that are regarded as gendered nonetheless and help you blend in and pass better.
     
  5. Katelyn93

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    I think you're on the right path. I've come out to a lot of people. Those who took it in strife and simply changed their pronouns and my name made me feel at ease and sort of withiut effort or thinking I acted differently, and if not for those friends pointing it out, I'd not have known. The people who I am out to but that see it as a phase or are sceptical keep me in a mind set of I have to be on alert and I tend to just stick to male mode then. I thought my girlfriend was as on board since she tried for a while and one day she broke down and told me directly that she doesn't want to date a woman. Obviously I was a little confused and said that I'm still me and she immediately told me that Katelyn and my male self are just different, it's subtle but enough to make her lose that heterosexual attraction. It felt validating but at the same time scared me back into the closet around her since I don't want to lose her. Now she's given me permission to be my male self ina dress at home when I'd like but not only doesn't that feel right, it's obvious it's her or me. I chose her and I don't know of I can cope with it like this. I guess I'm hoping somehow I get over it but frankly m all accounts and my past few years of struggling I'd guess its a foolish thing to do. Regardless, I don't feel or act or anything feminine around her since then really, it makes me question if I put too much effort into acting the part or if I've just gotten so used to the act that I can't really turn it off regardless. Being butch it is then I guess.
     
  6. Mihael

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    Even those who are skeptical will get used to you being trans with time, I think. Maybe they will not be fully accepting, however, they will grow accustomed to it as a fact.

    That is rough to be in a committed relationship when transitioning.

    The pretending to be when you were supposed to around certain people does start to feel like acting with time if you have a lot of other experiences.

    So about the initial question, we were raised to act like one gender, but secondary socialisation in the other direction when we decide to transition, can do the reverse.
     
  7. Katelyn93

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    The shift that happens initially seemed a little like the acting out of stereotypes or that'd what I worried they were when I thought if what was pointed out. That said, the girls I spent time with that treated me more normal sort of influenced my behavior as well. So I see the socialised part for sure. Do you think anything else plays a role here? Do you purposely put in the effort to align more to the norms and expectations to pass or fit in or risk having sic society be skeptical if you're more you.

    I don't think everyone will climb on board. My girlfriend gets very down when I bring up gender. I get it though. It's uncomfortable for her. She likes being an ordinary girl and sticks to conventions and such. I'm that odd person out.
     
  8. Lin1

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    I think that the idea that to be a woman you need to act a certain way is problematic in itself.

    I don't really know of any male behavior that is ''unfeminine'' apart from ''machist/ cocky bro'' behavior that is about undermining women.
    Women can't be defined by behaviors or concept they are all unique and different and therefore if you believe you are/ were born a woman, you have the personality of a woman. It's as simple as that to me.

    I see many trans women who, to fight their masculinity, go to the extremes of ''femininity'', by wearing lots of pink, lots of things in their hair, super tight dresses, tons of makeup etc... if that's how they genuinely see themselves and what makes them happy that's fine but personally as a cis woman I absolutely can't relate to it (I equally cringe at cis-women who are the extreme of femininity so it's not a trans thing). I find trans people who act natural to be way more passing than trans women who try (in my opinion) too hard to look and act feminine because it just doesn't come across as natural and genuine and much more of a stereotype of ''women and womanhood''.
     
  9. Mihael

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    Because it is.

    Putting in effort on purpose. Most of the time I don’t think I do. Maybe clothing is the biggest thing for me that I try to be conforming with. If people see you as a woman, whether you pass or not, this relationship with them becomes a part of your experience and perspective.

    Not passing when you don’t act natural? I noticed that as well.